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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you consider your spouse's family to be your family?

265 replies

bridepanic · 20/10/2021 14:12

Just curious really - I see a lot of people on here who discuss their husband's family as very separate to themselves and their family.

I'm about to get married, and am very close to my fiancé's family and he's very close to mine. We are very much of the mind that our families just become our family, jointly. Problems we face in the future with care/illness or joys that happen (nieces and nephews) are things we will share and experience together.

Growing up, my Mum's family had that attitude towards the in-law's, although my Dad's very much didn't, so I have seen how this isn't always the case in practice as well as just on here.

I realise that at the end of the day, if something happens, our families will always retain a certain 'loyalty' or bias towards their own child/sibling, so don't need to be told my POV is very naive. I'm just curious as to how others feel and why they feel like that - does it come from you or your in-laws creating that distance?

OP posts:
TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 20/10/2021 14:14

Mil yes, DH’s bonkers aunt and toxic grandfather no.
Being part of a family is how you behave as much as what your technical relationship is and she has always been very kind and lovely.

Iwantcollarbones · 20/10/2021 14:17

I tried to treat dh’s family like they were my own but I was laughed and sneered at for it, so fuck them. I know once MIL needs care she’ll want my involvement but she’s not my problem. Luckily, at the moment at least, dh agrees

TangoWhiskyAlphaTango · 20/10/2021 14:18

No not at all. Its tricky though as we are 44 and 54 and got married last year been together 4 years. DH has 3 adult children and does not live near any of them so it has not been possible to build any sense of relationship with them, although they are pleasant enough when I see them. His parents are in their early 80s and would never think to visit him so often he sees them without me as I work a lot of weekends plus covid restrictions etc.

skyblueone · 20/10/2021 14:19

MIL and FIL yes, extended family no.

TheBlackArt · 20/10/2021 14:19

Not really. No issues with them, but no - I don't.

Ottercave · 20/10/2021 14:20

Been with DH for 27 years since I was 18 and he was 24. Have children and grandchildren together.
I like his parents and get on with them but they are not my family.
He feels the same about mine.

Jasmine11 · 20/10/2021 14:20

I hadn't really consciously thought about it before, but yes I do - it helps that they are all lovely people though :)

CounsellorTroi · 20/10/2021 14:22

Yes I did. PIL no longer with us but I loved them even though they could be difficult at times.

Lavender24 · 20/10/2021 14:22

No. I get on well with them all (with the exception of MIL) but I don't think of them as my family. If any of them died I'd be sad for DH but wouldn't be devastated on a personal level,.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/10/2021 14:22

No.

TheSandgroper · 20/10/2021 14:22

Apart from the fact that we are in separate hemispheres, yes, as far as it goes. I sob when saying goodbye to mil. No fil.

HD gets on very well with my df (and previously my dm) and vice versa.

Brollywasntneededafterall · 20/10/2021 14:23

. I refused to take dh's surname and be Mrs Surname like mil.
We are nc.

He has no other relatives at all except fil who lacks a backbone of any sort at all..

OneTC · 20/10/2021 14:23

Yes. We're not married but have been together for 25 years and I've known the outlaws for 22 years. They are very much my family. Same with OH and my actual family

FooFighter99 · 20/10/2021 14:23

Yes, but probably because I've known them all my life...

F-I-L was best friends with my Dad (my Dad passed away 25 years ago, and F-I-L was the one who rang my Gran and Aunty to tell them Sad )

DH is nearly 10 years older than me though, so we didn't hang around together as friends when we were younger but I knew of him.

I've also grown up with all his aunties, uncles and cousins, as we all attended the same church. My mum went to school with one of his aunties and they've all known each other for donkeys years!! (grew up in the same town)

I love it, we're all just one massive family

CMOTDibbler · 20/10/2021 14:24

No, not at all. We've been together 27 years so I think that ship has sailed.

MedusasBadHairDay · 20/10/2021 14:24

Honestly, no. There's nothing wrong with them, we get along just fine, but they don't feel like family to me. I don't know if it's that they are very different to my own family, so I never feel like I can fully relax around them - I'm still in polite but slightly reserved territory.

PRsecrets · 20/10/2021 14:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

marykitty · 20/10/2021 14:25

Yes, 100%, it came naturally because MIL which is the queen of the family is a warm welcoming person you have to love.

Thatsplentyjack · 20/10/2021 14:26

No, and I'm pretty sure dp doesn't see my family as his even having had my mum live with us for 6 months.

Sportsnight · 20/10/2021 14:27

No, they’re nice and I’m very fond of my sister in law, but they’re more like good friends, than family.

Aimee1987 · 20/10/2021 14:29

@Ottercave

Been with DH for 27 years since I was 18 and he was 24. Have children and grandchildren together. I like his parents and get on with them but they are not my family. He feels the same about mine.
This is my point of view as well
TheBlackArt · 20/10/2021 14:29

@Sportsnight

No, they’re nice and I’m very fond of my sister in law, but they’re more like good friends, than family.
Completely relate to this.

I think MIL would like for me to act more like family (for example, I don't visit without DH) but we're very different, and I just don't really feel that connection.

3scape · 20/10/2021 14:29

No. They are very nice, but also politely disinterested in me, children etc. I think they expected my husband to be "the end of the line" and can't quite get their head around his marriage, step daughters and child. They all live quite far away.

Horriblewoman · 20/10/2021 14:30

No but I really wish I did. My husband is a lot closer to my parents than he is to his own.

He's very close to his sibling who I get along with but again wouldn't meet up with independently if it wasn't for him. I feel no real emotional connection to the niece on his side which feels awful and makes me a terrible person.

peachescariad · 20/10/2021 14:30

No...relatively close and get on OK with MIL & FIL, but don't have any strong feelings towards BIL and his family and SIL and hers...but they're not my family so I don't have to like them.
I make it very clear that DH has to do contact with them to ask how they are/arrange to come over/ Christmas & birthday pressies etc.
I do my own family.