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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you consider your spouse's family to be your family?

265 replies

bridepanic · 20/10/2021 14:12

Just curious really - I see a lot of people on here who discuss their husband's family as very separate to themselves and their family.

I'm about to get married, and am very close to my fiancé's family and he's very close to mine. We are very much of the mind that our families just become our family, jointly. Problems we face in the future with care/illness or joys that happen (nieces and nephews) are things we will share and experience together.

Growing up, my Mum's family had that attitude towards the in-law's, although my Dad's very much didn't, so I have seen how this isn't always the case in practice as well as just on here.

I realise that at the end of the day, if something happens, our families will always retain a certain 'loyalty' or bias towards their own child/sibling, so don't need to be told my POV is very naive. I'm just curious as to how others feel and why they feel like that - does it come from you or your in-laws creating that distance?

OP posts:
WingingItSince1973 · 20/10/2021 15:38

Yes absolutely. We are all very close and meet up regularly and when possible all go away once a year. There's about 20 of us now including the children xx

Fluffycloudland77 · 20/10/2021 15:39

Well not the ones who make digs about our infertility and buy me food they know I’m allergic to no.

Some people don’t do themselves any favours.

Bellyups · 20/10/2021 15:39

No

peachgreen · 20/10/2021 15:40

Yes. DH passed away last year and I treasure my in-laws and hope to always consider them family. I realise it could be difficult in future but maintaining a relationship with them is a real priority for me. His sister in particular is like a sister to me, I love her dearly.

DamnitFanny · 20/10/2021 15:40

No. They treat me differently from their blood relations like when we went to a milestone family event and I wasn’t included in any ‘family photos’ (been together 35 years!!!). MIL knows I buy all the Christmas and birthday presents but I get a voucher or, like last year, a gift that I’d previously given her 😂. Doesn’t really bother me - I don’t expect anything anymore and have scaled back my own efforts accordingly

MedusasBadHairDay · 20/10/2021 15:41

@GiveMyHeadPeaceffs

No, I don't. DP's mum is a nice enough woman but I'd never treat her like a second mother.
I think my MIL is disappointed that I don't treat her as a second mother, especially after my mum died. She made a few comments at the time that she felt I resented her for still being alive. Which absolutely wasn't the case, I just didn't have that bond with her, she's a very different person to me and my family.
Smeds · 20/10/2021 15:42

At first yes. Then we had DC and some of the inlaws behaviour towards me became completely deranged Confused

Eddielzzard · 20/10/2021 15:42

No. Initially I assumed the closeness that I feel with my own BILs and SILs (my sister and brother's spouses), but my SIL (DH's sister) made it very clear I'm not part of 'the family' and so I took a step back. It was hurtful at the time, but I respect her view. In some ways it has made life easy to not be so involved, so I feel it's their loss really.

cosycrook · 20/10/2021 15:42

DH only has a relationship with his brother, but I do class him as family.

MrsAvocet · 20/10/2021 15:43

No.
If my DH died I doubt I would ever see any of them again. I have no interest in being part of their family.

SirChenjins · 20/10/2021 15:43

No - my SIL and her husband are utterly twisted, selfish and full of their own importance and once MIL goes I will be glad to have nothing more to do with them.
MIL is 90 and quite the character but she’s never shown any real interest in our family - she expects us to do the running. In the 28 years I’ve known her I can count the number of times she’s visited us or phoned in single digits. I’m welcoming and friendly but don’t feel a family connection to them.

gogohm · 20/10/2021 15:43

Sil yes, I've known her most of her life as she's a lot younger, still close despite the fact I'm divorced

TheScottishPlay · 20/10/2021 15:43

Not at all. I tried at the beginning of our relationship (24 years ago) but DH's sister is spoiled and unpleasant and his parents are obsessed with the monster they created so all conversation was about her mundane and narrow existence. DH had been brought up in this environment so was part of it too. Much less so over the years but still excuses her behaviour even when she's mean to our DS! MIL did her best to spoil our wedding, the birth of DS and with FIL continued to obsess about SIL and her children during every conversation to the point I visited very rarely. She died earlier this year and I felt, well....nothing. It will be the same with FIL so I have really nothing to do with them now. My limit is reminding DH when his nephew and neice have their birthdays!! DS is 17 now and their choices mean they missed knowing a really lovely boy growing up. It's equally sad because DH was absolutely welcomed into my family. He doesn't know DB very well but they are always civil and warm and there was a genuine bond between him and my DPs.

julieca · 20/10/2021 15:47

Not really no. I get on with them, but if DP and I divorced, they would not see me as their family.

Cookingbynumbers · 20/10/2021 15:49

Not really. The in laws are perfectly nice and have always made me feel welcome, but they aren’t family. If anything happened to DH or we split, I wouldn’t have any contact with them and wouldn’t be that bothered about it.
Although actually I feel that way about most of my own family too. I’m not big on people. I find most visits to be a chore to get through rather than something enjoyable. I really don’t need to add more people to my to-do list.

Femnisaurus · 20/10/2021 15:49

"But if you split I think you’d realise you are not family, particularly if he met someone else. So you are family as long and only if you’re together."

not always the case - I was married 25yrs, divorced for 12 now, and still see my ex MIL weekly. Do odd bits of shopping etc for her as exH and his new wife moved abroad. PILs came to me to christmas for quite a few years post divorce so they could spend it with the DC, I have also been to a few "family" weddings of nieces and nephews and significant birthdays of other family members. Just post divorce I was only invited if ExH and his dw were not going, these days we all go and get on fine. I actually quite like the new wife.

ExH and I had both seen horrific divorces where kids and families were asked to choose sides, we were determined not to do that, so we both bit our tongues at times and made it work. He made it clear to his family that their relationship with me should not be under threat and I didn't bad mouth him to them. It helped that he'd been the unfaithful one of course, it all came out eventually 😇

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 20/10/2021 15:49

I really wish I did and has assumed i would but i don't.
I am not sure what the blocker is, i think their behaviour made it tricky as they have a "nuclear family" hierarchy and are "one-way transactional" people.

When my MIL makes a big song and dance and says to people "ohhhh i finally have a daughter!!!!!" i inwardly roll my eyes as it's so inauthentic and cringe.

My family treat DH as one of their own, he socialises with my brothers without me and he is pretty much my mothers favourite child.

I do however love the bones of my aunt and uncle in law they were very welcoming. They just love my DH and so by extension me. I feel and reciprocate that love.
Her children (my cousins in law) feel like my regular cousins...

julieca · 20/10/2021 15:50

And few in-laws keep in touch if the couple divorce and there are no kids. So I think few really do see them as the same as family really.

AWhistlingWoman · 20/10/2021 15:51

Absolutely, love my FIL and MIL to bits and would be lost without them. Took me time to appreciate how lucky I was though and we has the occasional clash when the children were small.

Thekormachameleon · 20/10/2021 15:52

Fuck no I can't stand them

TravelLost · 20/10/2021 15:53

@steppemum

Slightly difficult as we don't share a common language sorry, that isn't right. I have learnt their language to communicate with FIL and aunties etc My SIL and BIL all speak English, although we usually speak in their language
Seeing that even my dh hasnt actually learnt my langauge, I'd say that expecting you to speak your FIL etc... language so you can speak to them is going too far (and unrealistic for what I can gather from other MN threads).
Minfilia · 20/10/2021 15:53

No, we don’t get on because his dad is a nob

I loved my ex in laws though, we were very close and they were more like family to me than even my own family!

WombatChocolate · 20/10/2021 15:55

My in laws are extremely nice. They have always been very welcoming to me. They give me gifts equal to my DH. The wider family value marriage a lot and so make real efforts to include myself and the children in everything. Of course, all the women in older generations have also married into the family….so in that sense, everyone is in the same boat.

Where things I suspect would become different is if there is a relationship breakdown or divorce. Understandably, loyalty would lie with their own son, although they are the kid. If people who would make efforts to maintain contact, especially for the sake of grandchildren. If a separation was messy or horrible, it would be harder to maintain this good and strong relationship.

I feel very fortunate. I think of them a bit differently to my own parents and siblings, but they have been as good to me as my own and have always been extremely welcoming. My DHs choice to marry me has been fully respected and I am very much part of the family. I feel very lucky.

Certain things I leave to my DH. I try not to get involved in discussions about money or inheritances etc but leave them to sort it out. We haven’t got to the stage of discussing care needs for elderly parents yet. When it comes to that it will be for my DH and his siblings to discuss, although no doubt my DH and I will discuss it between ourselves, but it will be less my role to input directly into any conversations.

tootootaataa · 20/10/2021 15:55

Nope. But they are DH's family, so therefore important to me.

Cocolapew · 20/10/2021 15:56

No because the are horrors, DH doesn't even speak to them now.
My Dad died 2 weeks ago and DH was in talking to him a few days before and told him he loved him and he thought of him as his Dad, he was devastated when he died.