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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you consider your spouse's family to be your family?

265 replies

bridepanic · 20/10/2021 14:12

Just curious really - I see a lot of people on here who discuss their husband's family as very separate to themselves and their family.

I'm about to get married, and am very close to my fiancé's family and he's very close to mine. We are very much of the mind that our families just become our family, jointly. Problems we face in the future with care/illness or joys that happen (nieces and nephews) are things we will share and experience together.

Growing up, my Mum's family had that attitude towards the in-law's, although my Dad's very much didn't, so I have seen how this isn't always the case in practice as well as just on here.

I realise that at the end of the day, if something happens, our families will always retain a certain 'loyalty' or bias towards their own child/sibling, so don't need to be told my POV is very naive. I'm just curious as to how others feel and why they feel like that - does it come from you or your in-laws creating that distance?

OP posts:
Freddiefox · 20/10/2021 16:52

Yes, even my ex mil is still part of my family. I include her in things and invite her to stuff.

My mum keep my dads family at arms lengths and because of her lack of warmth towards them, I thought they were unkind and aloof. But actually it was my mum.

They were really nice people, and it’s was only when I was older and they were ill that I developed any sort of relationship with them.

I resent my mum and dad for this, and determined that mine dc’s won’t feel the same.

When my uncle died, I was embarrassed by his friends by how little I knew about them.

Astella22 · 20/10/2021 16:53

His Granny and Grandad yes, the rest No. They are all lovely but don’t feel like family. My own grandparents are no longer around so maybe this is why his sweet grandparents feel like my own.

Dutch1e · 20/10/2021 16:59

My MIL is the mother I wished I'd had. My own mum is a dangerous person I cut off years ago so it was astonishing to me to be taken into the fold of a loving family who genuinely like and support each other. I love her, and my FIL too, I'm very lucky

(Especially as my SO lives 5 mins cycle from their house which gave me the cold sweats when I first met him but turned out to be a perfect spot).

MadeItOut21 · 20/10/2021 17:01

You sound confused and a bit naive, OP. I love my in laws, they're brilliant. But they're not my family. My definition of family is that they'll stick by you throughout your life. In laws won't. If you and DH divorce, he will remain their son and you won't be part of that family anymore. He can cheat, be awful, be a terrible dad. He will still be their son and they will stick by him. You will just be an ex and a walking womb that carried their grandchildren. Yes, you all get along great while things are great but that's not the point is it?

Also, be careful that his family being your family doesn't turn into you being burdened with all responsibilities regarding his family - birthdays, socials, caring responsibilities. Men are very quick to dump that on their spouse since they're all one big family now. You'll resent that in the long run.

HappyDays40 · 20/10/2021 17:02

His mum yes as well as his cousin her husband her children and grandchildren. The others no.

GoodnightGrandma · 20/10/2021 17:04

No.
And I don’t consider my DH’s siblings children to be my niece/nephew.

Clandestin · 20/10/2021 17:05

@MadeItOut21

You sound confused and a bit naive, OP. I love my in laws, they're brilliant. But they're not my family. My definition of family is that they'll stick by you throughout your life. In laws won't. If you and DH divorce, he will remain their son and you won't be part of that family anymore. He can cheat, be awful, be a terrible dad. He will still be their son and they will stick by him. You will just be an ex and a walking womb that carried their grandchildren. Yes, you all get along great while things are great but that's not the point is it?

Also, be careful that his family being your family doesn't turn into you being burdened with all responsibilities regarding his family - birthdays, socials, caring responsibilities. Men are very quick to dump that on their spouse since they're all one big family now. You'll resent that in the long run.

Yes, I think this is fair. I think ILs are like work colleagues -- they come into your life by chance, because of where you work/who you marry, and no matter how close you become, once you've stopped working there/being married to the person, even good intentions about staying in touch often end up fading away, for obvious reasons, especially if your ex starts a new relationship and there's an awkwardness about you still being invited to family occasions.
Elephantsparade · 20/10/2021 17:19

Yes. My childrens closest living relatives like their aunts, grandparents, cousins are my family

FrankButchersDickieBow · 20/10/2021 17:25

No. There just isn't the same kind of love for ILs as there is for my own family. I knew my family for 25 years before I met my husband. You can't force that bond.

I also do not have the love and affection for dh's nieces and nephews as I do for my siblings kids. Nowhere near, although I very much enjoy spending time with them.

I like my ILs and we get on, as I would with really good work colleagues who I had worked with for years.

I have a laugh with them share holidays etc. But they don't know the real me like my family does.

I'm sure dh feels the same with my family.

Squirrelblanket · 20/10/2021 17:32

No, I don't see them as my family. They are NOT my family. 🤷🏻‍♀️

There's nothing wrong with them, but we don't have the same bond I have with my own family. And I've never been interested in trying to create it, it is what it is.

Mommabear20 · 20/10/2021 17:35

I see them as y family but DH certainly didn't see mine that way

Notreallyhappy · 20/10/2021 17:41

No they're his family. I tolerate them.for his sake. Just pretend I like them.
Sound horrible but they are a bit odd.

professionalnomad · 20/10/2021 17:45

Yes. I adore them. The loveliest kindest people I've ever met. They feel the same about my mum and brother. We all get on extremely well. I'm very lucky

ouchmyfeet · 20/10/2021 17:48

God no. I think I would find that easier if I liked them, but I don't. They are extremely different to my family.

Bluntness100 · 20/10/2021 17:49

Curious I don’t see anyone divorcing posting. Plenty of threads on here from women gutted who saw the inlaws as family and realised when they split with their husbands and he found someone else there were really not family. How when the dust had settled they simoly moved on and at best the relationship stayed cordial for the kids

In fact there’s been threads from women who expect still to be treated like family and people have responded with don’t be ridiculous they need to prioritise his new wife

The reality is you’re family when married, but you’re not when it ends.

ouchmyfeet · 20/10/2021 17:49

Problems we face in the future with care/illness or joys that happen (nieces and nephews) are things we will share and experience together.

I'd be interested to see how much of this your DH takes on eventually for either side of the family. This burden tends to fall heavily on women. I will be keeping well out of it with my DHs family.

nokidshere · 20/10/2021 17:54

My parents and in laws became good friends, they spent time together without us, even went on holiday together. PIL have passed away now and DH has no other relatives but he definitely feels part of my rather large family.

I left home at 17 and have been married for almost 40 so PIL have been family, sometimes more than my own.

Bananarice · 20/10/2021 17:55

My il are family. However, one of my sil is more like an aunt to me. Her and my mom were close neighbours/ friends before I meet her brother and married him.

Mil and fil both died before I got to meet/ know them.

The most important fact currently is that my il are my dc family. So they are family.

Just like some blood relatives have questionable character, so can il (not to mention live far away).

saraclara · 20/10/2021 18:08

Yes. I won the in-law lottery as far as I was concerned. My PILs were the most warm and hospitable people, and they took me into their family from day 1.
I am closer to my MIL than I ever was to my mum (MIL now has advanced dementia but she remains really important to me and I love her dearly). My SIL and I get on really well, and my late husband's cousins (and there are a ton of them) simply refer to me as their cousin.

My DH died ten years ago, so the relationship we've all had over the decades is all the more precious. And if anything it's become closer.

QueeniesCroft · 20/10/2021 18:08

I pick and choose! His late mother was amazing and I still miss her nearly 30 years after she died. His nephew and niece, his sister and his great-nieces and great-nephews are amazing and I love them all. His brothers, however, can get to fuck! They are, to a man, either violent alcoholics or scheming, thieving twats (one is both!).

They are all still better than my family though! It's worth keeping Mr Croft because divorcing him would probably mean losing his family. If I lost my in-laws, I would have nobody.

TulipsTwoLips · 20/10/2021 18:10

No, but I think it is because we are very different people. There are other relatives eg my uncles girlfriend that I do think of family, so I think it is the differing personalities rather than because they’re not blood relatives

Shoxfordian · 20/10/2021 18:11

No; my in laws are very different people to me- definitely my husband’s family

EastWestWhosBest · 20/10/2021 18:12

Yes. But then I don’t have a family of my own really. So his nieces and nephews are the only ones we will have. I speak to his family more than he does!

Indoctro · 20/10/2021 18:13

I call my in laws the Toxics as they are vile people along with my sister in law also

Never met such horrors in my life

So definitely not close and do not consider them as anything,

saraclara · 20/10/2021 18:14

@MadeItOut21

You sound confused and a bit naive, OP. I love my in laws, they're brilliant. But they're not my family. My definition of family is that they'll stick by you throughout your life. In laws won't. If you and DH divorce, he will remain their son and you won't be part of that family anymore. He can cheat, be awful, be a terrible dad. He will still be their son and they will stick by him. You will just be an ex and a walking womb that carried their grandchildren. Yes, you all get along great while things are great but that's not the point is it?

Also, be careful that his family being your family doesn't turn into you being burdened with all responsibilities regarding his family - birthdays, socials, caring responsibilities. Men are very quick to dump that on their spouse since they're all one big family now. You'll resent that in the long run.

My experience is the absolute opposite. Mine have absolutely stuck by me. When my DH died they could have just carried on without me, but they haven't. My MIL and I actually had a talk about 'what if DH and I ever split up' conversation, and were agreed that we would remain in contact and wouldn't carry over disagreements. I was certainly never a walking womb to them.

And no, my DH always bought for and remembered his family birthdays etc, though we would often shop together because I loved them too, and we enjoyed choosing presents together whoever they were for.

You've clearly not had a good experience, but rather than others being naive, you're being negative.