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AIBU?

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Original poster

Do you consider your spouse's family to be your family?

265 replies

bridepanic · 20/10/2021 14:12

Just curious really - I see a lot of people on here who discuss their husband's family as very separate to themselves and their family.

I'm about to get married, and am very close to my fiancé's family and he's very close to mine. We are very much of the mind that our families just become our family, jointly. Problems we face in the future with care/illness or joys that happen (nieces and nephews) are things we will share and experience together.

Growing up, my Mum's family had that attitude towards the in-law's, although my Dad's very much didn't, so I have seen how this isn't always the case in practice as well as just on here.

I realise that at the end of the day, if something happens, our families will always retain a certain 'loyalty' or bias towards their own child/sibling, so don't need to be told my POV is very naive. I'm just curious as to how others feel and why they feel like that - does it come from you or your in-laws creating that distance?

OP posts:
EishetChayil · 20/10/2021 15:57

I am closer to my mother-in-law than to my own mother.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/10/2021 15:57

Exh was always very much of the view that we were related to each other’s family, but that quite interestingly came from the view point that adopted members of the family are family, and therefore why wouldn’t family by marriage be.

Ticksallboxes · 20/10/2021 15:57

My DH feels very close to my parents as they are very near us and he also had a very complicated relationship with his mum, dad and stepfather growing up.

I'm on a chat group with my in-laws and we all meet up for Christmas and a few times throughout the year, but I wouldn't say we're super close.

I'm very close to my own family and sibling though, so it would be hard to also feel that way about my in-laws.

speakout · 20/10/2021 15:57

No, they are lovely, but I don't even consider my own family to be "family" in terms of loyalty or supposed closeness.
I have aunts, cousins and uncles - I don;t even know where they live.
I have had no communication with my own sister for 10 years.
I judge people on merit, not genetic accident.

Simonjt · 20/10/2021 15:57

No, but then I’ve only met them a handful of times, they have also been fairly unpleasant to my husband, so I can’t really see us building a close relationship.

ElephantOfRisk · 20/10/2021 16:00

Yes I do. Closer to some than others in the same way that that is the case with my own siblings and their spouses and DC. Probably closest to the wife of one of DHs brothers. I'd consider her as close as my own sisters.

Most of our nieces and nephews are much older than our own DC (who are 21 and 20) and already have DC of their own. The two that I am closest to are, one from DHs side and one who is my DBs stepdaughters child.

WhatHaveIFound · 20/10/2021 16:00

Immediate family - yes, extended family - no.

I see my MIL most weeks, SIL every couple of months but DH's wider family we only see at weddings and funerals.

evilharpy · 20/10/2021 16:01

I don't know really. I guess I kind of consider them family but I don't feel a parental relationship with them exactly. MIL is lovely but I find FIL difficult to be around for very long. My husband just isn't that close to them and they live a good few hours drive away so we don't see them very often. We're not close at all to his siblings and although they are perfectly nice I don't consider them family and don't really know them all that well. When my husband's grandma was still alive (MIL's mother) I adored her, I'd never had a grandparent of my own as they all died before I was born. She treated all the spouses like her own grandchildren and I was devastated when she died although she hadn't been well for some time.

janj2301 · 20/10/2021 16:01

I consider my daughters parents in law family. Love the whole of son in law's family

Chikapu · 20/10/2021 16:01

I don't honestly know them that well, his mum is only a few years older than me but we have nothing in common really. Get-togethers are awkward.

ProudMaiasaura · 20/10/2021 16:03

I used to. I honestly thought they say me as family so I treated them as an extension of my family for over 20 years.

The last year has firmly removed those particular rose tinted glasses. My father has been diagnosed with MND and honestly I'm in a million pieces being held together only by the knowledge that I have two young children who need a mother.

If I'm not working, I'm caring for the children or my dad. Not once have the in-laws offered to support, not at all. They can see I'm falling apart, they can see the effect it's having on the children, they can see the effect it's having on my husband (their son/brother) - they just don't care.

As far as I'm now concerned they are my husband's family. He can deal with them, he can arrange to see them, he can support them all things I previously did happily as "one of the family" and I shall just behave as a polite guest whenever I'm at theirs. They never visit here so that's not a problem.

benthazel · 20/10/2021 16:03

Fuck no, the only good thing about my DH dying would be never having to see any of them again.

They are lazy and entitled, after they killed my FIL by their demands for an easy life they try it on with my husband.

MIL and SIL are nasty and two faced and wouldn't know how to exist as independent adults.

My husband says it's just their way even though their aggression and demands make him sad. I love him less.

BigFatLiar · 20/10/2021 16:04

His parents treated me like I was a daughter. His mum in particular was great. I still had my parents and they in no way tried to replace them but were always there for me. (They even sided with me if DH and I had an argument - even if they didn't know what it was about) His siblings just treat me like one of them. I suspect I'm closer to his brothers and sisters than he is.

I suspect it all depends on the family.

Stompythedinosaur · 20/10/2021 16:04

They are my family, but not as close family as dm and dbro.

tiggerwhocamefortea · 20/10/2021 16:05

Honestly no. However i think it's different between DH and my family - we've holidayed together several times, see them a lot more etc .
DH family including parents are just in the background - never hear from them, they don't get involved in our lives, I'd never be able to rely on them in a crisis

unlikelytobe · 20/10/2021 16:05

I married a family not a person

I kind of feel the opposite of this!

I think one test is do you ever see them without your DH/DP present? Would you expect to maintain a relationship with them if you divorced or your DH/DP died? For me - no and no. They're not awful, just very different from my family and I'm not very involved with them.

ancientgran · 20/10/2021 16:05

My husband was an only child, his father died when he was a baby so he never knew that side of his family (they lived overseas) so other than my late MIL he had no family for me to feel part of.

My children's partners are a mixed bunch, one very standoffish, two pleasant get on with them, one is like my own and he says if they ever get divorced he's having me in the share out of their assets.

Sometimes people gel sometimes they don't.

neverornow · 20/10/2021 16:07

No I don't. I see them as DH's family. We're not close. They don't consider me family either and I'm ok with that

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 20/10/2021 16:07

They're certainly a lot nicer than the few people left that I have a bit of DNA in common with. But we are too far away to do anything more.

muddyford · 20/10/2021 16:08

No, definitely not. Too much nastiness in the early days. I have gone NC with one lot, but the other lot have thawed a bit recently so things are improving there. If it was my family I would make the effort but not with these charmless nerks. I find it difficult to believe DH is related to them.

ClaraLane · 20/10/2021 16:11

Nope because they treat my husband like shit and I love him and it breaks my heart seeing how they act towards him. They also don’t treat my children fairly. I don’t consider them my family and I won’t be sorry when they die.

On the other hand I love my husband’s grandparents like they’re my own and I’m so grateful to have them in our lives.

EgSk · 20/10/2021 16:12

Yes I consider them family and I call them family

MrsBerthaRochester · 20/10/2021 16:13

Absolutely not. I was bullied and manipulated by inlaws for years and was forced to spend time with them. Exdh barely acknowledged my family. As soon as i stood up to them they never spoke to me again. I wasnt invited to mil funeral and ex fil and bil are "witnesses" in our divorce lol. Horrible family and Im well rid.

Artie30 · 20/10/2021 16:15

My partners family and my family don't really
Know each other (if that makes a difference). I am quite close to my partners family, I find I can relate more to them than my own (my family can be toxic)! I wouldn't go as far as saying they are my family but definitely fond of them!

Cantstopthewaves · 20/10/2021 16:17

When dp and I first met they were horrible to/about me and 14 years down the line, while we're civil, there's no way I could ever see them as my family.
They're not very nice and I've also seen how mil has treat dp's siblings ex-spouses and it's pretty obvious she has never seen them as part of her family.
DP obviously knows of the tension between myself and his family and because I don't pander to his mother and co he makes zero effort with my family which does hurt.