Do you consider your spouse's family to be your family?

[bridepanic]

Just curious really - I see a lot of people on here who discuss their husband's family as very separate to themselves and their family.

I'm about to get married, and am very close to my fiancé's family and he's very close to mine. We are very much of the mind that our families just become our family, jointly. Problems we face in the future with care/illness or joys that happen (nieces and nephews) are things we will share and experience together.

Growing up, my Mum's family had that attitude towards the in-law's, although my Dad's very much didn't, so I have seen how this isn't always the case in practice as well as just on here.

I realise that at the end of the day, if something happens, our families will always retain a certain 'loyalty' or bias towards their own child/sibling, so don't need to be told my POV is very naive. I'm just curious as to how others feel and why they feel like that - does it come from you or your in-laws creating that distance?

I personally wouldn’t- mostly because I’m quite cynical and would envision that if I split with their son their loyalty would lie with him always.

A friend of mine was with a man from her teenage years, married him, children etc. She was as close to her in-laws as anyone I know but when they split his family sided with him. Unfairly as he was the cause of their relationship ending.

She was extremely hurt by it- I watched it unfold and it was excruciating to watch. In laws are just that - relationship though a legal partnership - not your family.

They are not your family, but if they are nice and you get on well you can become quite close

It’s a tough one because if the relationship breaks down they are no longer part of your having said that I think the world of my son in law, in contrast to my mother who even after 10 plus years doesn’t see my sil as part of her family. So I guess it depends on the individual.

Mil and fil yes. Bil and sil no, they are firmly dh's family and I don't wish to bother with them more than I need to. Thankfully the feeling is mutual which makes things easier.

No, they're not my family. He only really speaks to his Mum, has nothing to do with his siblings, and she makes very, like almost non-existent, effort with our children. It was sad when FIL died, but it wasn't like losing one of my own.
We are friends with his aunts and uncles, but again, I wouldn't call them family.

No I don’t. We don’t not get on, but they’re not that interested in me and I rarely see them.

No.

I don’t think of DPs family as mine but we got together in our 30s. Both very independent so the relationship just didn’t develop like that. His family are great with the children and are all perfectly nice people. I have no issues with them but I don’t feel especially close to them.

I think they feel the same about me as well. Polite, friendly relationship but we aren’t family.

Nope they are the in laws- anyone married to his family(like me) is an outlaw- we stick together

Hmm it's a tough one.

I guess they don't really feel like my family but when you marry someone you get the family too unless they are estranged. So they might not feel like it but you are lumbered with them nonetheless.

I think of them as family but not close family, but DH felt completely differently and adopted my family as his own from the start. My little sister was the daughter he never had and they were so close until his death. She is close to my stepson too, like brother and sister. My in laws aren't even close to each other really though so my relationship with them is warm but not close.

Yes, I do, but I’m also NC with my own biological family so they are the only living family I have other than Dh and dc.

No

No. NC with all DH’s family ( his choice ) bar his great uncle and aunt.

My own family more than makes up for it.

Parents in law, yes. Siblings in law, no, never did.

In the beginning no, but as time went on and we had been related for decades and supported each other like family, then yes.

Yes. My MIL really loves me. She is just a lovely person.

Nope I tried very hard in the beginning but they burned their bridges so I'm very low contact with them. Quite sad really as DH and my mum are thick as thieves 😆

No. My in laws are good people but I find them annoying. My family are annoying too but I love them differently so I can tolerate it!

Works both ways as well, dh gets in with my family but easier to tolerate your own family's foibles!

Not at all.

But they are racist arseholes (to my face), which obviously clouds things.

Yes. It's been 28 years and we've been mental together, laughed together, cried together, shared good times and bad, and details of bodily functions.

No.

We only maintain meaningful contact with one of dh's brothers. We are NC with toxic MIL and his other bro is best limited to birthday and Christmas cards.

Yes I do. Even the extended family like the cousins and their spouses and children (DH has 7 cousins). It helps though that I really like them I suppose.

No. I had a terribly awkward moment just after we were married when MIL sat me down and said "you can call me Mum now!" I was completely caught off guard - I have a mother who is still well and truly alive and who I am very close to. I blurted out something like "but I have a Mum, I can't call anyone else that!" MIL never really got past it, it really upset her.