Do you consider your spouse's family to be your family?

[bridepanic]

Just curious really - I see a lot of people on here who discuss their husband's family as very separate to themselves and their family.

I'm about to get married, and am very close to my fiancé's family and he's very close to mine. We are very much of the mind that our families just become our family, jointly. Problems we face in the future with care/illness or joys that happen (nieces and nephews) are things we will share and experience together.

Growing up, my Mum's family had that attitude towards the in-law's, although my Dad's very much didn't, so I have seen how this isn't always the case in practice as well as just on here.

I realise that at the end of the day, if something happens, our families will always retain a certain 'loyalty' or bias towards their own child/sibling, so don't need to be told my POV is very naive. I'm just curious as to how others feel and why they feel like that - does it come from you or your in-laws creating that distance?

No. I'm fond of them, have known them since I was a teenager, and see them with reasonable frequency, but no, they're certainly not my family. Likewise DH is fond of mine, but wouldn't regard them as his family either.

But then I've always thought that the idea that you marry into a family is nonsense. I married one person.

Yes. They are lovely, extended lot and all. They've just embraced me as part of their family.

Sadly DH wouldn't say the same about my family.

MIL made my life hell for years, I was relieved when she died to be honest.

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding, I hope it is a joyous day!

I don't consider DH's family as my own family, and he feels the same about mine. It has never occurred to us that it would be anything but our own choice as to how we would like things to be.

We keep things lighthearted with the older generations and help out when needed but nobody is in anyone else's pocket. Generally the older PIL get the less likely they will be to change. Fitting into their world is what they require from you IME, you are a grown up and it's up to you to decide whether that suits you.

You may be naive perhaps, and I think it could help for you to be prepared that some life events could affect your relationship with PIL, say if you have DC, move or change job or someone has health issues.

Another major issue right now is childcare. With some PIL they may expect to call the shots if they are providing free childcare. How will you feel about that?

I do yes, they are every bit as much my family as relatives on my side. I love them.

I'm fortunate that mine are lovely people. My niece especially I love as if she was my own blood relation.

My late MIL was a 'call me mum' type. And I practically adopted my niece-in-law.

And then I divorced him and never say anyone again. The only one who was even passingly nice to me was his black sheep brother.

Never again. They're his family and my family. Which saves on wifework!

Yes and no really!

I am totally NC with any of my relatives - some who have since died - and have been for 30 plus years now.

DH still has 2 living siblings and their respective spouses. Always had the feeling DH’s twin doesn’t really like me but we get on ok although have nothing in common. I am a little closer to his elder sibling but again nothing really in common. We all live hundreds of miles apart but lead very different lives. All financially very comfortable but both his siblings are very “Label orientated”, e.g. only buy Miele products, only shop at Waitrose, only drive Mercs etc. 🙄. We are completely the opposite —verging on tight— 😂

@DramaAlpaca

Yes. They are lovely, extended lot and all. They've just embraced me as part of their family.

Sadly DH wouldn't say the same about my family.

What you've said is exactly what my husband would say. My family absolutely adore my husband and he adores them. To my MIL, I'm the wretch that stole her "baby boy." 🙄

In all honesty, no not really. My DH and I have been together 24 years and married for 16. We have 2 dc together. He comes from a small family and I get on well with my FIL, BIL, SIL and their children. They are my family by marriage and they are family to our dc. I was very upset when my MIL passed away. I do everything I can to support my DH so that he can support his DF. But they are DH's side of the family.

If the marriage was to end they would no longer be my family but will always be family to my dc.

My own family consists of my dc, my DH, my own mum and 2 sisters. My extended family consists of various aunts, uncles and cousins.

No. Perish the thought. If two families get on fair enough, but the chances aren’t great. Lots of people don’t get on with their own family never mind another person’s.

I haven’t had anything to do with the in-laws for years and we’re all the better for it

No

I do see my in-laws as family. Obviously you can never replace the family that you grew up with, the family that raised you etc., and I will always feel closer to my own mum and dad and siblings than his. But I still view events with the in-laws as "family events", any problems with either of our families are joint problems, they are "our" nieces and nephews, not just "his", and if we are staying with DH's family I tell people "we're going to see family" etc.

Not at all.

A few days ago my 5 year old looked at a photo of her with MIL and FIL when she was a baby and asked “Who are those old people?”

She sees them. Sometimes! They’re not very involved with us, made worse by coronavirus.

I never considered my exh’s family as mine but I still consider my exbf’s family as my own.

We are very much of the mind that our families just become our family, jointly I find the notion of joint families very twee.

I am one of 4 children, DP (of 15 years) is one of 6 children.

We are all grown-up, married [or with long term partners] and have children of our own. I don't think joint families work on this scale?

Do my family join with DP's family but not my other siblings in-laws?
Do we all join together? So are my SIL parents - whom I have met a few times - now my family or are they my in-laws family?

Relationships develop organically. No need to label or have concrete expectations.

I am not being obtuse just giving an alternative example.

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

I do yes, they are every bit as much my family as relatives on my side. I love them.

This is how I feel too

Yes we all get on, DM and MIL text each other, we all go out together for dinner/days out or they come to us. My DB SIL and DNs often come to PIL with us because they live in the country and have lots of animals goats, chickens, horses etc so the DC love it. We often all spend Christmas together and have also holidayed together. However I think this is made easier by the fact DH is an only child and SIL has no contact with her parents and moved in with an aunt at 14, if DH had five siblings or even if SIL was closer to her mum mum's husband , dad and dad's wife and all took the same attitude it could get massive and out of hand quite quickly.

Not really, nothing against them but I don't have a real relationship with them.

Not really, no. I am extremely find of them, but it's very much a case that my relationship with them is via DH. I wouldn't ring any of my in laws for example and it doesnt really bother me whether or not we see them - although enjoy their company when we see them. I'm sure DH feels the same about mine!

@Crunchymum

We are very much of the mind that our families just become our family, jointly I find the notion of joint families very twee.

I am one of 4 children, DP (of 15 years) is one of 6 children.

We are all grown-up, married [or with long term partners] and have children of our own. I don't think joint families work on this scale?

Do my family join with DP's family but not my other siblings in-laws?
Do we all join together? So are my SIL parents - whom I have met a few times - now my family or are they my in-laws family?

Relationships develop organically. No need to label or have concrete expectations.

I am not being obtuse just giving an alternative example.

I would answer your question about your SIL’s family with ‘yes, in my opinion they are your family’. You don’t need to be close to them or speak to them much for them to be family. The same as with your blood relatives. That’s my opinion on it anyway.

I would hate it if my DDIL or DSIL didn’t see me as family. Luckily for me they do

Ex husband of 20 years. I had zero interest in his family. We had nothing in common at all and they were not nice people.

Most of them- DPs mum is low contact so I don't know her well but I prefer his dad to my own parents tbh. My parents are v fond of DP and he of them. I'm an only but DPs sibs are lovely and I enjoy time with them. His sister isn't 100% reliable but I accept that, set expectations accordingly and still enjoy time together - it is what it is.

My in laws yes. Wider family not so much.

Absolutely they are family.

They are lovely people which helps.