Do you consider your spouse's family to be your family?

[bridepanic]

Just curious really - I see a lot of people on here who discuss their husband's family as very separate to themselves and their family.

I'm about to get married, and am very close to my fiancé's family and he's very close to mine. We are very much of the mind that our families just become our family, jointly. Problems we face in the future with care/illness or joys that happen (nieces and nephews) are things we will share and experience together.

Growing up, my Mum's family had that attitude towards the in-law's, although my Dad's very much didn't, so I have seen how this isn't always the case in practice as well as just on here.

I realise that at the end of the day, if something happens, our families will always retain a certain 'loyalty' or bias towards their own child/sibling, so don't need to be told my POV is very naive. I'm just curious as to how others feel and why they feel like that - does it come from you or your in-laws creating that distance?

I can't imagine my DHs family and mine spending time together, actually I lie, they did it once when we got married. My family tried to be welcoming, but DHs family kept to themselves, and have declined any invites to events where my family will be since. I should point out my family aren't some nightmare family, there was no drama or anything, just little in common.

I hoped and wanted to be part of dh family as I have little of my own but unfortunately the feeling wasn’t mutual- they really want minimal involvement with us and our children. No fall out, just how it is sadly.

@DivaVergent

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding, I hope it is a joyous day!

I don't consider DH's family as my own family, and he feels the same about mine. It has never occurred to us that it would be anything but our own choice as to how we would like things to be.

We keep things lighthearted with the older generations and help out when needed but nobody is in anyone else's pocket. Generally the older PIL get the less likely they will be to change. Fitting into their world is what they require from you IME, you are a grown up and it's up to you to decide whether that suits you.

You may be naive perhaps, and I think it could help for you to be prepared that some life events could affect your relationship with PIL, say if you have DC, move or change job or someone has health issues.

Another major issue right now is childcare. With some PIL they may expect to call the shots if they are providing free childcare. How will you feel about that?

@DivaVergent Thank you for your good wishes!

You raise some interesting points - we live far enough away from both our mother's that they won't be able to provide any formal childcare for future children (still a way off!), so no worries on that front. I actually have always put in place very strict boundaries with my parents about mixing 'business' and family so would never, ever accept childcare from parents anyway, for fear of causing these exact issues.

Also sadly we have already experienced some of the other problems such as illness you have discussed - my Dad died 4 years ago after having cancer for 2 years. My fiancé supported us through that and spoke my Dad's eulogy, and also has been instrumental in helping my Mum adjust to widowhood, so I feel confident we do see our families as both of our concerns in these situations!

Not really no, ils are nice enough people but if anything happened to dh I wouldn't make an effort other than getting the kids to send cards.

Dh however seems to care more about my parents than his, he was devastated when my Dad died and is close to my Mum, he does love his parents and they get on well but he sees more of my family than his, it's always me who has to remind him of birthdays and prompt him to visit them even though they're only half hour away.

Nope. 300 miles and about 200 years of human social evolution separates us.

DH is close to my family because they are geographically closer and more engaged with us - with his we are very much out of sight, out of mind (unless someone DH never knew dies, in which case he must be called immediately).

Yes they are my family. We have fallings out and don't always get on. I don't always even particularly like them, but we are family.

Nope. 300 miles and about 200 years of human social evolution separates us.

🤣🤣🤣

Hmm interesting question, yes and no, they are our daughters family, I suppose when it comes to it I feel we are looking family, but ultimately they are my husbands family. I get on fine with them. We socialise together with his brother and wife, but he’s not my brother. The bond will never be the same.

And ultimately if I split with my husband he would remain part of their family but I would not. Which is how it should be. Whereas if I split with my Husband I would remain part of my family and he would not. My daughter would remain part of both families.

No. I have been with my husband for 20 years and we have two children. I don’t consider his family to be my family.

Absolutely, I’m very fortunate that I gained a second family (that I probably like more than my own!)
My mil treats me like a second daughter, sil is my best friend (dh & I have the same friendship group). Dhs gran I call gran as I never had one myself.
His parents are separated but I am close to fil too, he used to come round numerous days a week to help when dc were small and any sporting events the whole family are there cheering each other on. Mil misses the dc if she hasn’t seen them for a week and loves taking them for days out and overnight too.
Very aware of how lucky I am.

No. But neither does he. Not seen them in years and it’s a blessed relief. They’re horrific.

He sees mine as his family and they feel the same way about him. He’s very close to my mum who we see a lot and he gets on well with my siblings and their spouses.

@miltonj

Yes they are my family. We have fallings out and don't always get on. I don't always even particularly like them, but we are family.

But if you split I think you’d realise you are not family, particularly if he met someone else. So you are family as long and only if you’re together.

Not at all. One of my friends refers to 'our nephew' when referring to her partner's nephew. I think it is weird to hijack someone else's family.

Absolutely not, I've just tolerated them throughout our marriage!

@Froppysue

Absolutely, I’m very fortunate that I gained a second family (that I probably like more than my own!) My mil treats me like a second daughter, sil is my best friend (dh & I have the same friendship group). Dhs gran I call gran as I never had one myself. His parents are separated but I am close to fil too, he used to come round numerous days a week to help when dc were small and any sporting events the whole family are there cheering each other on. Mil misses the dc if she hasn’t seen them for a week and loves taking them for days out and overnight too. Very aware of how lucky I am.

But again you’d see the difference if you split and he was with someone else

Family is irrelevant of who is your partner. For your husbands family this is not th case. Yes it is for your kids, but not you.

Surely it depends on individual personalities and circumstances.

All of my husband’s family have made it abundantly clear that I am not part of their family. My children aren’t either. MIL makes it clear that the children from his first marriage are his real family (and his ex, who doesn’t even like MIL, is her real DIL) and the baby we have together is less important than them. She has really gone all out to make it obvious this is the case, right from the start.

Neither of H’s siblings nor any other member of his extended family have even met our one year old. They’ve made sure to see the children from the first family though (at MIL’s).

So… nope. I don’t consider these people to be my family. I don’t even consider them acquaintances. They are a smaller part of my life and have even less interest in me than his colleagues.

In contrast my first PIL really felt like my family. Losing that was probably the hardest thing about ending that relationship. I know my ex-MIL would rather have kept me than her son. 🤣

Not completely, but more and more, yes.

I absolutely adore my Mother in Law (hate that term) and since the time DH and I first started dating, she has been warm and loving to me, treating me like a friend. I realise how rare that is in many ways. I am also very close to my two sisters-in-law although sadly my family are all in the same country as us whereas my husband's are overseas so we haven't seen them in 2 years with the pandemic. I am very close to my own family and think we are a few years away from reaching that level of closeness (probably unrealistic) but I do think for me I see them as my family.

I don't think they're my family, but I do think my DH is and so therefor I now have some familial obligations to them, if that makes sense? And also they're very much my daughter's family, so we're forever linked that way.

I actually really like DH's family, his parents are great, we see them very regularly. I also really like his extended family, aunts and uncles etc. I would happily chat to them individually, and I get on with them. PIL are currently very independent, but if there were issues in future years around their care I would 100% view it as a joint, 'family' problem.

However - they're not my family. I would never fight with them the way I do with my parents on occasion and assume it would all go back to normal. If anything sensitive has to be raised, I'd defer entirely to DH. My parents will always take my side, and I'd expect the same from his. All families have their own unique rituals, attitudes to illness, way things are done - you can observe these, but you can never really become an insider. DH will help out with, say, DIY for my parents, but when we were annoyed at something they were doing while watching DD I was the one to raise it.

A good example of it was in the extended family where the MIL is now in her 90s and requires increasing care, including support getting changed. Her kids are staying overnight in rotas atm, and there was talk of one of the in-laws who has been a much loved and cherished in-law for 40 years joining the rota, but the MIL just wasn't as comfortable with them helping her get changed in that situation as her own children. That entirely makes sense to me, and is the sort of thing I don't think time often changes.

@Youcancallmeval

Not at all. One of my friends refers to 'our nephew' when referring to her partner's nephew. I think it is weird to hijack someone else's family.

Oh so this is interesting!

My SIL just had a baby (first in family) and I didn't expect to feel so totally like he was part of my family. My SIL has always pushed very hard that the in-laws know they are aunts and uncles as much as her siblings are. I think she (and everyone in their family) would be horrified at anyone saying I or the other in-laws were hijacking their family when we say OUR nephew.

Absolutely, yes. I always say I married a family not a person, and he feels the same about mine. I consider them as much my family as the family I was born into. Some of them are lovely, some are annoying, that's life. I happily take care of their birthday presents, etc.
I'm always a bit baffled when I see people here referring to families as separate units. I've only ever known my way.

Yes and no. I consider them family and like them, but I call my husband’s nieces and nephews that rather than my nieces and nephews because they were all over 13 when I met him. I just call them their names.

My dh isn't that close to his parents. Sees his mom roughly once a week for an hour and his dad once every two weeks for an hour max. They drive him up the wall. He spends a lot more time with my parents and does a lot for them. I used to really try with the in laws and encourage us to meet socially etc but over the years I've realised that I don't really like them. So I just keep them at arms length but maintain a pleasant relationship with them for the sake of my children.

There are no good/close IL relationship in either DH or my family - they verge from not speaking to distant politeness.

DParents relationship with all their chidlren's DPs get worse with time and even worse with children.

Maternal DGP marriage met NC with many of both their family - DMum no idea why - DDad distant polite - met other DGP less than 5 times ever. Paternal DGP - DF distant but polite - DGM very bad to DIL though uncle DP met after wife died was never acknowledge by them at all.

FIL refuse to see his IL over two decades over an unbeliveably minor incident - his DP were awful to all their DILs - and they have some stories.

I really tried - was anxious to get on - started well went down hill with engagement and got worse and worse. I'm not family that's always made clear and after 2 decades I'm pretty much done with teh PA and games - though we still see them reqgularly at least before covid I'm often busy and distant. If something happend to DH - I wouldn't expect to hear from them again especially as kids are teens and capable of contact themselves.

My MIL very much felt like a mum to me too even though I’m extremely close to my own. She took me in as another daughter and when one of her own DC died she checked I was ok and looked after me literally as if I’d grown up with them all, I’ll never forget her and constantly grateful too for the goodness DH knew around him growing up as he’s so big hearted and thoughtful himself.

We did have differences as I grew up differently (Eg boarding school, very different circle) but none of it mattered.