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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you consider your spouse's family to be your family?

265 replies

bridepanic · 20/10/2021 14:12

Just curious really - I see a lot of people on here who discuss their husband's family as very separate to themselves and their family.

I'm about to get married, and am very close to my fiancé's family and he's very close to mine. We are very much of the mind that our families just become our family, jointly. Problems we face in the future with care/illness or joys that happen (nieces and nephews) are things we will share and experience together.

Growing up, my Mum's family had that attitude towards the in-law's, although my Dad's very much didn't, so I have seen how this isn't always the case in practice as well as just on here.

I realise that at the end of the day, if something happens, our families will always retain a certain 'loyalty' or bias towards their own child/sibling, so don't need to be told my POV is very naive. I'm just curious as to how others feel and why they feel like that - does it come from you or your in-laws creating that distance?

OP posts:
TractorAndHeadphones · 20/10/2021 15:18

50/50
I consider duty to DP family the same way I do mine. If one of his family members fell ill for example it would be ‘our’ problem and not ‘his’. I’m invited to family events with DP, they have always made me feel welcome.

However they are from a very different background and topics of conversation dont interest me. You can only catch up on personal news for a couple of hours or so. I get on well with my own parents as people so I wouldn’t say there’s the same closeness.

CatherinedeBourgh · 20/10/2021 15:19

I used to, then I realised they didn’t so I stopped.

Have seen them about 5 times since. It was 13 years ago.

Pallisers · 20/10/2021 15:19

Yes I do. We are together more than 30 years though. From quite early on I would have considered MIL, FIL and my BILs family (not extra mum/dad/siblings but an in-law family). I was with FIL when he died and MIL was an enormous support to me when I had my first child. one BIL is one of my best friends. I get on well with all my SILs too. I like DH's aunts/uncles/cousins (to various degrees). His aunt/godmother was such a lovely woman - when we were first married I went away on a weekend with her- just her and me. When it works it is just lovely to have a whole extra family. the only area I feel a little different is with nieces and nephews. I treat them the same but I love my own nephews and nieces in a way I don't quite dh's.

HuhWhatNow · 20/10/2021 15:20

Yes and no. I'm not expected to do DH's wifework and buy for his family and organise everything with them for him, BUT, I have my own familial relationship with them too albeit far more distantly than DH. He remembers their birthdays, buys the cards and gifts etc but I'll phone them or pop round to see them when DH isn't about. I'd also organise the gifts too if DH asks. (I've got Amazon prime and DH hasn't got it set up so I just do it for ease.

I do think that I will be expected to do the old age care for his parents. No one has said it but I can just feel that it would naturally end up that way (just as MIL had to care for her mum despite 2 brothers living closer if only by a street or two).
DH would do what he could when not at work but as he doesn't know one end of a pan to the other, I feel that the meals at the very least would fall to me.

I will not be caring for my own mother though. We're not NC but in all honesty, we really should be.

ladytramper · 20/10/2021 15:21

No. They feel like pleasant acquaintances that I will visit in person alongside DP but don't reach out otherwise, whereas I feel like the definition of family would be more that I would like to phone or visit them by myself and have an individual relationship with them. They are nice people, but I find it hard to relate to their different life experiences and have mutual conversations. However, DP seems much closer with my own family, which is lovely but I wouldn't hold it against him if he was the same.

goose1964 · 20/10/2021 15:22

Yes but DH was an only child so it's only my in-laws.

ExPatHereForAChat · 20/10/2021 15:23

After having DC, much more so than before but its a relatively superficial relationship and I'm conscious of never offending them. Much closer to my blood relatives despite seeing PILs a lot more.

Peoniesandpeaches · 20/10/2021 15:26

No. My mum has made it clear that my partner is not family (despite welcoming all my siblings partners) because she is a woman and because my siblings haven’t stood up for her there is a gulf there. I don’t particularly like my partners family as they, on the surface, act as if we are accepted but then will show their hand with offhand comments like saying they wouldn’t attend our wedding as it’s a sin or dismissing any idea that we might have kids as “unnatural.”

Coogee · 20/10/2021 15:27

Yes, definitely.

HuhWhatNow · 20/10/2021 15:27

I do want to add that I've been with DH since his nieces we're tiny toddler and newborn. After a few years (and a few children too), not really thinking about it, DH signed a card "from Uncle Huh and Auntie HuhWhatNow" and they laughed at it and made jokes about 'Auntie'.

I'm married to DH and SIL isn't to her partner but her partner is still referred to as uncle to our kids as it's respectful surely?

It certainly put me in my place as non family. Now I make sure to say husband's nieces and not mine. Husband's sister, husband's sister's partner etc.

MrsMoastyToasty · 20/10/2021 15:28

DH's parents when they were alive - yes, his siblings-yes, their children and grandchildren- yes. I don't really have any connection with the siblings spouses (one of whom I have only met twice).
I do have to remind my mother (a widow) and my DSIS (single) that I effectively have 2 families, even if they don't.

Iputthetrampintrampoline · 20/10/2021 15:28

No.it still is odd to me.There is us his immediate family.then him and his family.They never seemed to want to know me or our children we had together so I don;t often think about them,I tried so hard to build a whole new family but they seemed less than disinterested so as the years passed I gave up. Thing is they are loosing him too and can't see it,Its sad really.

AuntieObnoxious · 20/10/2021 15:30

Yes for immediate family, but not extended family as we’ve not met up that much. I’m closer to my bil than my own brother, he hasn’t any family so if my dh is busy he’ll come on holiday with me & dcs instead. This has caused funny assumptions from other guests, especially when dh turns up 1/2 way through the holiday 😀
My fil died 12 yrs ago and my dh sees my parents as surrogate parents for him. I’m also closer to my mil than my dh - but that’s due to lifelong issues he has with her.

Yaya26 · 20/10/2021 15:31

Hmmm.. very idealistic. You're not yet married. I'll ask you again in 10 years. In my experience they're ok but when hardy comes to hardy I'm not one of them. I'm ok with that.

Good luck. Xx

Sh05 · 20/10/2021 15:32

I always thought of them as my family, been married 20 years but recent events lead me to believe that they don't think of me as close enough family. I've cut back loads in comparison to how I used to be with them in light of this.
I don't stop them from seeing the children but as I used to initiate most meet ups they've abviously reduced in number too

SalemWitchCraft · 20/10/2021 15:33

MIL and Step FIL yes, BIL and FIL and SIL (married to BIL) nooooo

TrollsAreSaddos · 20/10/2021 15:33

No not at all. I'm nice and I'm polite to them but I have no feelings for them at all. I'd be fine if I never saw them again.

We get on well but I'm just not bothered about them.

I8toys · 20/10/2021 15:34

No even after 30 years. They are not my family but his.

Jowak1 · 20/10/2021 15:35

Yes definitely! His mum snd dad are lovely and treat me like a second daughter and I get on really well with his sister. We go on Holiday together regularly and we have a great time 👍I'm very lucky as I know friends who don't have a good relationship with the in-laws .

whattodo2019 · 20/10/2021 15:35

Yes when I like them and NO when I dont!

sofakingcool · 20/10/2021 15:36

Yes, we both have very small families - DH has no Aunts/Uncles or cousins, and now no living parents, but I was close to his Dad before his death. I'm very close to my brother in law, and my sister in law (his wife) is like the sister I've never had.

Floralnomad · 20/10/2021 15:36

No , we’ve been married for over 30 yrs and in the 4 yrs prior to the wedding they had made it pretty clear that they didn’t like me . For a long while whilst his dad was alive we were NC ( me and them husband had limited contact) and they’ve had limited contact with our now adult children over the years . I am on ‘ ‘hello’ terms with his brother /SIL but we spend no time together and our . children have nothing to do with them . My husband definitely considers my family his family , he has always been very close to them .

Jux · 20/10/2021 15:37

Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't. I come from a family which very much embraces everyone but dh doesn't. I had assumed that his family would become mine simply because that's what I had grown up with, but that's not what happened though I tried really hard for the first years. I developed MS while I was pg with dd, and frankly simply had no energy for getting through the basic day to day things (getting out of bed, getting dressed etc etc, see the Spoon thing) so really had none left over for messing about with people who didn't see me as me, but as some imaginary DIL/SIL made to their own unrealistic ideals. I had enough trouble just hoping that dh would see me....

Doomscrolling · 20/10/2021 15:37

We have 4 nieces between us and I feel equally related to both sides. We don't separate them into 'his' nieces and 'mine'.

My parents have always regarded DH as a third adult child because he's been around since the age of 17. They love him, as does my brother.

PIL are mad as a box of frogs. Even DH can only manage 90 minutes before wanting to get away. BIL barely sees them either. I know they love us but they are just such hard work.

AryaStarkWolf · 20/10/2021 15:37

Yes I do