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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you consider your spouse's family to be your family?

265 replies

bridepanic · 20/10/2021 14:12

Just curious really - I see a lot of people on here who discuss their husband's family as very separate to themselves and their family.

I'm about to get married, and am very close to my fiancé's family and he's very close to mine. We are very much of the mind that our families just become our family, jointly. Problems we face in the future with care/illness or joys that happen (nieces and nephews) are things we will share and experience together.

Growing up, my Mum's family had that attitude towards the in-law's, although my Dad's very much didn't, so I have seen how this isn't always the case in practice as well as just on here.

I realise that at the end of the day, if something happens, our families will always retain a certain 'loyalty' or bias towards their own child/sibling, so don't need to be told my POV is very naive. I'm just curious as to how others feel and why they feel like that - does it come from you or your in-laws creating that distance?

OP posts:
SirenSays · 20/10/2021 15:00

God no. I did consider DHs grandparents to be family and it absolutely destroyed me when they died. I can't stand the rest of them and neither can DH.

SisterAgatha · 20/10/2021 15:01

In theory I agree with you, but sometimes the family don’t want you back and that’s the end of that.

steppemum · 20/10/2021 15:01

I consider mine family.

Slightly difficult as we don't share a common language, but I do consider them to be my family and would go the extra mile in just the same way as for my family.
Dh is the same with mine, even more so as we spend a LOT of time with mine as we live locally.

But I don't love them the same way as my own, hmm siblings maybe, but parents, well, my Mum is my Mum, nothing can change that.

washingmachines4 · 20/10/2021 15:02

yes, lovely bunch - I am very lucky

DarlingFell · 20/10/2021 15:03

Yes, definitely. My in laws are lovely, they are definitely 'my' family.

steppemum · 20/10/2021 15:04

Slightly difficult as we don't share a common language sorry, that isn't right. I have learnt their language to communicate with FIL and aunties etc
My SIL and BIL all speak English, although we usually speak in their language

Original poster
bridepanic · 20/10/2021 15:05

@Crunchymum

We are very much of the mind that our families just become our family, jointly I find the notion of joint families very twee.

I am one of 4 children, DP (of 15 years) is one of 6 children.

We are all grown-up, married [or with long term partners] and have children of our own. I don't think joint families work on this scale?

Do my family join with DP's family but not my other siblings in-laws?
Do we all join together? So are my SIL parents - whom I have met a few times - now my family or are they my in-laws family?

Relationships develop organically. No need to label or have concrete expectations.

I am not being obtuse just giving an alternative example.

@Crunchymum I think you are possibly taking this too literally - for me I think family is about the emotional connection and sense of family, and yes, I do feel like families work on the scale you're talking about!

It means caring when my BIL's Mum died, for example, despite never having met her, and going out of our way to try and care for him. I don't think it means 100's of people have to spend christmas together.

OP posts:
furbabymama87 · 20/10/2021 15:06

No but we don't see them regularly and there are issues from his childhood so he keeps them to special occasions only. He talks to my family much more than he sees his own.

AuntieStella · 20/10/2021 15:07

Yes, but it took time (married over 25 years)

It was a bit of a shock when I first realised that my in-laws were my DC's blood relatives, though!

But over the years, we've just all become fixtures in each other's lives

HazelandChacha · 20/10/2021 15:08

Married 25 years.

I used to call BIL’s DS our DN. it soon became apparent that his wife’s family is treated a lot different to our own (time & effort visiting, DC gifts etc) so I gave up bothering much.

We’ve lived in this house 7 years and they have never even seen it, we always used to have to visit them. I now let DH go on his own. DH sees my siblings DC as his DN’s as they put as much effort into seeing us as we do seeing them.

M0rT · 20/10/2021 15:08

I like my in laws and contact them and they me separately to my husband.
I wouldn't really meet up with them alone though.

As regards problems and care needs I defer to my DH re his family and he to me re mine.
So if I need to support someone in my family he picks up my slack or accepts me being less available to him and vice versa.
We would both communicate with the person affected directly but most people when it comes down to it only want the really close when they are vulnerable and need help.

AliasGrape · 20/10/2021 15:08

Yes and no really.

His parents I guess so. They're good people, hugely frustrating at times but generally nice and kind and always been welcoming to me. We spend a fair bit of time with them, I've been known to do things with MIL separately to DH, and I'm fond of them. They're my daughter's grandparents and it's important to me that they have a close relationship. They're not particularly warm or open in the way my family are, they're a bit 'stiff' and FIL in particular is very self centred in a way that can really wind me up. I'm never 100% relaxed and comfortable around them in the way I'd be with my own family and always fall into a slight best behaviour mode. They're lovely with DD now but were quite disinterested when she was first born in a way that has left me feeling a bit differently about them and is hard to shake off. DH's brother I barely know, they live in another country. I get on fine with him and his wife when we do see them, and we exchange polite messages about our babies who were both born around the same time, but it doesn't go any further than that.

DH definitely more relaxed around my family than I am with his, I don't know whether hed say they were his family though. We stayed with some of them recently and I overheard him saying to one of his colleagues on the phone that we were going to stay with family rather than with 'my wife's family' or 'my in laws' so maybe he does?

Isababybel · 20/10/2021 15:09

I would say no actually. I do not get on with mil at all due to her personality but thats a whole boring story.
Sil i do like but she never refers to me as being aunty to her children, she says "uncle dhname and then my name" so because of that i feel pushed away and not like she sees me as family. So i put up a wall too.

JustLyra · 20/10/2021 15:09

Yes I do.

DH doesn’t with my family, but then I have nothing to do with my family either.

Mil has lived with us since FIL died. DH was widowed when he and I met and this weekend I’m going away for a girly weekend with his MIL, his SIL, MIL and BIL’d gf. We’re all very close and I love it.

Boood · 20/10/2021 15:10

No. I would have said yes before lockdown, but they barely lifted a finger to stay in touch, and when we did speak it became clear that they weren’t really interested- it was all very superficial. I feel released from an obligation now. Plus, my husband and I have spent more time together than we ever thought we would, and now things are back to normal it’s good to get a bit of space, even if only because it gives us something new to talk about. So we tend to go off and see our own families separately now.

SophieHatterPendragon · 20/10/2021 15:11

I did but then my SIL son head butted my eldest broke his nose and my MIL & SIL a said it was his own fault if he’d hit his cousin before then cousin wouldn’t have been so persistent in hitting and attacking him and didn’t see why they should make him say sor and they also refused to say sorry … since then mom/sil/ 1 bil have made it very clear they don’t consider me or the kids family (despite DH being their dad) because I wouldn’t stand for them being treated that way

Mamamamasaurus · 20/10/2021 15:12

In an extended way, yes. My ILs however, see me as their daughter. Which I just can't compute, because I'm married to their son. It just makes my brain hurt. But that's cultural on their part.

AliasGrape · 20/10/2021 15:13

I do leave him to sort presents, cards etc for his side though. He's pretty lazy about shit like that and would absolutely leave it all to me if I'd let him but I do enough of the emotional labour side of things, I won't do everything.

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 20/10/2021 15:13

No, I don't. DP's mum is a nice enough woman but I'd never treat her like a second mother.

ItsAlwaysThere · 20/10/2021 15:13

100% yes

CCC1 · 20/10/2021 15:15

I have been supremely lucky on the in-laws front. I consider the lot of them family along with my in-laws in-laws (so husband’s sister’s in-laws). My nephew got married a few years ago to a lovely girl and now her family seem to becoming family too. Just three really nice groups of people who all enjoy each other’s company.

My family on the other hand is another story full of drama and severed relationships.

Yrmyfavourite · 20/10/2021 15:15

I did, until SIL asked DH to be godfather to their little girl. I had no expectations to be asked and was happy for him but, then, she decided to tell me, unprompted, that she had decided not to ask me to be godmother as, she didn't know if DH and I would split up one day. We have been together for 10 years.

Also, FIL didn't turn up for 2 out of 2 birthdays for DD so, he's no kin to me...

BurntO · 20/10/2021 15:15

Pretty much. I’d be very upset if I broke up with OH and lost them too basically Grin

Original poster
bridepanic · 20/10/2021 15:16

This is all really interesting, I'm really enjoying reading! I'm sorry for anyone who hasn't had good experiences, and I'm glad so many of you have levels of relationships with your in laws that you're very happy with (definitely think in a lot of cases less interaction is better!)

OP posts:
CornishGem1975 · 20/10/2021 15:17

Not really. I like them and all but they're not my family.