To be annoyed / upset / confused

despondentpickle · 2021-05-16T19:22:31+00:00

Found out someone has sent pictures of my young DS to some relatives. They didn't ask permission. They didn't even tell me. I heard it third hand. Feel it's partly my fault because they must have got the photos from me, although I'm not on social media. The person doesn't know, but the relatives were abusive to me when I was little. I haven't told anyone in my family and don't want to. But, it's why I don't really keep in touch, apart from when someone guilts me into it. Partly want to give a verbal bollocking. Partly want to NC sender of photos with no explanation. Partly want to ignore it and stick head in sand. Help me navigate this please!

MamaWeasel · 16/05/2021 20:25

I would be giving a verbal bollocking in this instance. You don't need to go into details that you don't want to, but you can make it clear that you are not at all happy, and that photos must not be shared. And don't send this person any more photos.

Scramblerr · 16/05/2021 20:29

If they don't know you're not on good terms with those relatives and they didn't know they weren't supposed to pass the photos on then I don't think they've done anything wrong. It's pretty normal for family members to share photos of each other and, whilst your wishes should be respected if you've asked them not to, they aren't psychic. If they did know they weren't supposed to pass the photos on then I wouldn't be sending them any more photos though.

C305 · 16/05/2021 20:32

Sorry you're having to deal with this, it must be really stressful for you

I know you said they didn't know the relatives were abusive, but did the person who sent the photos on to them know you didn't want photos of your child shared?

BrilliantBetty · 16/05/2021 20:35

Doesn't need to be a bollocking. But explain you're not happy with them doing that, where did they get the pictures (screen shot from watsapp? If you don't remember sending). And ask they don't do that or discuss you with family member in question again.

Then reduce contact / stick head in sand.

bloodyhell19 · 16/05/2021 20:37

I would go nuts if someone forwarded on images of my DC without my knowledge or permission. I think you're well within your rights to dole out a huge verbal bollocking based on that alone, without going into any other details.

LawnFever · 16/05/2021 20:40

If they don’t know this relative was abusive I don’t think it’s fair or reasonable to give them a bollocking but just explaining you’re not happy, don’t want pictures sharing again to anyone and don’t send them any more.

Original poster

despondentpickle · 16/05/2021 20:44

Thanks all.

Haven't seen which photos (printed and physically) sent, but assume obtained from closed whatsapp group with small number of select close family.

Haven't expressly said "don't send photos" but think the person should be aware because has been present when I have discussed this with other family members, and how I'm uncomfortable with photos of me/my family being shared more widely than the close circle.

They don't know why I'm not in touch but everyone in this close circle is aware I don't keep in touch as pressure is put on me occasionally to keep in touch.

Hope that made sense.

OP posts:

melj1213 · 16/05/2021 21:04

Yanbu to not want your child's pictures distributed but yabu to want to go to such extremes as to consider giving the offender a bollocking and going NC when you admit they have no idea why you don't speak to the other person.

I would speak to the offender and ascertain they they have actually sent the pictures - you currently only have 3rd hand information so it may not even be true. Once you confirm they did send the pictures then I would just ask them not to share pictures of your DC to anyone without checking with you first because currently you don't know the context they were sent in. It could have been an innocent mistake, chatting about family and the relative mentioned something to the NC abuser who then asked for pictures or commented in such a way to suggest sending a picture and the relative didn't think anything of passing on a photograph.

BusyLizzie61 · 16/05/2021 21:21

@despondentpickle

Thanks all.

Haven't seen which photos (printed and physically) sent, but assume obtained from closed whatsapp group with small number of select close family.

Haven't expressly said "don't send photos" but think the person should be aware because has been present when I have discussed this with other family members, and how I'm uncomfortable with photos of me/my family being shared more widely than the close circle.

They don't know why I'm not in touch but everyone in this close circle is aware I don't keep in touch as pressure is put on me occasionally to keep in touch.

Hope that made sense.

Without knowing more than you have decided you don't like them, this puts the relative in a difficult position givne you didn't explicitly state don't send to them. Especially if say it's your mum and she has sent to your uncle for example, her brother...

I think that you're overreacting with your supposed options. But actually just need to state categorically that this is not to be repeated.

Original poster

despondentpickle · 17/05/2021 03:58

Thanks all, can better see what my relative's perspective might be on this, which will be tempering my response somewhat. Still very unhappy given my personal history but as you say, they can't read my mind!

OP posts:

Frazzledd · 17/05/2021 04:51

If a family member contacted me asking for pics of another family members DC I'd assume straight away there was a reason they didn't have already.

I'd certainly call you to let you know and ask if it was okay to send them at the very least!

It doesn't matter that they don't know your history (I'm sorry this happened to you) and you don't have to disclose to them either but you decide who you send pics of your DC to, these people obviously weren't in the WhatsApp loop for a reason.

I might be tempted to go a bit passive/aggressive, perhaps take down the pics of your DC from your social accounts for now and make a little statement about privacy issues...?

(Being honest if I were you I'd actually go full bollocking, but that's just my default and sometimes find I have to apologise for it later....I'm working on it...)

ThatIsMyPotato · 17/05/2021 05:14

If a family member contacted me asking for pics of another family members DC I'd assume straight away there was a reason they didn't have already. I'd do the same, I would have asked before sending anything.

MrsClatterbuck · 17/05/2021 07:46

If they have been present when you discussed not being comfortable with sharing photos outside the circle then why wouldn't they discuss with you first about sending photos. To actually physically print them off and post is to me a lot different than just pressing send on a device unless the recipients do not have any devices. They went to a lot of trouble to get these from a WhatsApp to a physical photo. I wouldn't dream of sharing photos of a child with anyone else unless I had the parents permission.

Newkitchen123 · 17/05/2021 07:51

@ThatIsMyPotato

If a family member contacted me asking for pics of another family members DC I'd assume straight away there was a reason they didn't have already. I'd do the same, I would have asked before sending anything.

But OP doesn't say this family member actually did ask to see the photos. Just that someone sent them without her permission

Frazzledd · 17/05/2021 08:15

@MrsClatterbuck

If they have been present when you discussed not being comfortable with sharing photos outside the circle then why wouldn't they discuss with you first about sending photos. To actually physically print them off and post is to me a lot different than just pressing send on a device unless the recipients do not have any devices. They went to a lot of trouble to get these from a WhatsApp to a physical photo. I wouldn't dream of sharing photos of a child with anyone else unless I had the parents permission.

I thought the same- also if the family member didn't ask to be sent the photos as @Newkitchen123 said and just sent them after being present at a conversation where the OP had expressed her thoughts and feelings surrounding this its starting to sound slightly malicious....

Difficult one OP, your not wrong in your concerns, I'd feel the same-

3scape · 17/05/2021 09:11

I'd contact them directly to say you didn't want photos of your children shared without your agreement.

I'd either leave the WhatsApp or say you won't be using it to share photos anymore because of a breach of trust (and stop doing that) .

It sounds a very deliberate act. Do they think they're going to enable some sort of disneyesque reunion or is this person likely to be more of a flying monkey?

ThatIsMyPotato · 17/05/2021 09:20

@Newkitchen123 you're right, that's even worse just sending off photos.

Original poster

despondentpickle · 17/05/2021 09:23

Adding some more information. Sorry to drip feed - didn't want it to be outing, but realise if the person reads this they will probably clock it's about them.

-Don't know if the recipients requested photos.
-Sender sent one set of photos with their children, and set with mine. However, did not send any photos of other children in the family.
-Charitable reading is that they meant well, thought I was busy, and wanted to share some happiness with relatives.
-Photos of other children probably not included because sender has been asked by other family members before not to overshare personal information.
-The recipients are phoning people in the family, telling them how happy they are to have received the photos. That is how the information got back to me, someone mentioned it offhand how nice it was I had sent photos.... but I hadn't.
-The recipients haven't tried to get in touch with me about the photos. On the one hand, I am thankful for this. They try to phone me on big occasions and I am often dodging the calls/voicemails. On the other hand, think this is weird because they are phoning everyone else. Paranoid me thinks they've been told not to tell me? Guess I won't know unless I ask!

Your responses are useful in seeing how easy it is to be conflicted about this. This has also been a good life lesson for me in being more careful.

OP posts:

melj1213 · 17/05/2021 11:33

If a family member contacted me asking for pics of another family members DC I'd assume straight away there was a reason they didn't have already.

But it might not have been an active and explicit request for pictures, the Picture Sender could have taken it upon themselves to send the pictures based on the conversation tone the NC family created. The PS could have been chatting about their children, mentioned the OPs DC and something about them growing up/their family resemblance etc and the NC family has said they haven't seen them in a long time/at all/since XYZ time and so the PS (who was already going to send them pictures of their own family) thinks nothing of adding the OPs family picture too, as they are unaware of why the OP is NC with that person.

I'm not trying to excuse the Picture Sender as they shouldn't have sent the picture without permission but if they don't know the extent of the family politics (and considering they are still on good enough terms to talk closely with both the OP and NC family I am assuming they have no idea of the abusive past) then I can see why they may have not realised just how harmful sending a picture could be in that situation.