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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's not a normal reaction?

33 replies

AsterixGoesCamping · 11/04/2021 10:54

FIL has been rushed to hospital a couple of days ago. He is terminally ill with cancer and has been getting some chemo to try and contain the pain. He developped a fever an was admitted to hospital due to infection.
MIL rang DH to tell him she had taken FIL to hospital. Not much more information at the time as she couldn't go in with him etc...

That was three days ago. Since then no news. I had to remind DH several times to ring his mum to check how FIL is doing, check how his mum is doing (does she need any help?). And still he didn't do it.

Can someone explain me why? It looks so uncaring to me. :( If it was my parents I would besides myself wondering about low white blood cells, whether he could recover from the infection etc...

OP posts:
ComDummings · 11/04/2021 10:56

He isn’t you though OP, we all deal with things differently. Can you ring his mum for updates? Your DH may be burying his head in the sand and honestly I find it quite understandable.

Cheeseycheeseycheesecheese · 11/04/2021 11:00

Sounds like my dad. My grandad has seriously deteriorated over the past 5 years, developed Parkinsons and has had a few falls.
Dad won't ring nan to check in, mum has been doing it every few days while also talking to my aunts who have been on caring shifts for the past 2 years.
She moans to me about dad not making the call, but he hates what has happened to my grandad, he's a shell of who he used to be, I think my dad's scared and doesn't want these memories, but he just tells mum that she and his sisters are updating him, he doesn't need to 🙄

Original poster
AsterixGoesCamping · 11/04/2021 11:13

I'm upset for my MIL.

PIL have a farm and are still very much working. There are many things she can't phusically do and has to be done and DH has stepped up more than once to do the jobs that needed doing.
All that means that MIL is now dealing with her DH in hospital been really unwell whilst trying to keep up with all the work when DH could have helped her at least at the weekend.

OP posts:
AdaThorne · 11/04/2021 11:16

Have you asked him directly why he's not ringing? You can couch it in concern (and I'm sure it'd be coming from that rather than irritation) but it might be helpful if he can elucidate why he's not being proactive.

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 11/04/2021 11:19

It certainly doesn't sound like a 'normal' reaction to me, but we're all different, and deal with these things in different ways. The thing is, when his father has gone he will probably berate himself for not having been there for him. Personally, it makes me really cross when I hear about people who treat their parents like shit, and then they weep and wail when they're gone, but at the end of the day, it's his father and he'll have to live with the consequences. In your shoes, I wouldn't be bending over backwards to keep him updated, if you're interested and care about your FIL, then by all means keep in touch and do what you can to support your MIL, but leave your DH to do his own thing.

stackemhigh · 11/04/2021 11:21

What a lazy twat. Is he relying on you to do it, OP?

More wife work.

WeekendCEO · 11/04/2021 11:27

What’s was your husbands relationship with them like before this happened? Why has MIL not called him with an update?

Original poster
AsterixGoesCamping · 11/04/2021 11:28

When I ask him if he has any news, I have the old chesnut 'I forgot and when I remembered it was too late'.

Now I AM prone to forgetting things but not that sort of things....

OP posts:
Original poster
AsterixGoesCamping · 11/04/2021 11:30

I've had conversations with him the past about how he really needed to make an effort to see his parents (and ensure the dcs see their grand parents) when it becamse clear that FIL was terminal.

That didn't happen either....

OP posts:
Cam2020 · 11/04/2021 11:36

I agree that he's avoiding contact as a coping mechanism. A selfish one, you could argue, but probably not conscious. How does he respond to emotional or difficult situations usually?

PinkiOcelot · 11/04/2021 11:37

My DH was very much the same when FIL was terminally ill. He doesn’t work himself due to ill health, so could have popped in anytime but chose to only go on a Saturday. It really annoyed me tbh.

AmyLou100 · 11/04/2021 11:37

Why are you pushing him? What was it like growing up for him? You already know that this isn't a normal reaction BUT almost always there's a reason. Instead of being so pushy maybe accept that there must be something deeper going on. Why can't you phone your MIL??

MintLampShade · 11/04/2021 11:39

Is it possible perhaps that your DH has a different relationship with his parents than you with yours? We don't all deal with stressful situation in the same way but it may have nothing to do with not caring. But I don't know because of course I don't know your husband. I'm just guessing. But If you are worried about your MIL, nothing stops you from checking in on her though, right? Not because it's "the wife's work" as a PP suggested but because you are worried.

Shoxfordian · 11/04/2021 11:40

He doesn’t need to make more effort than he wants to make, you should take a step back from this

SchrodingersImmigrant · 11/04/2021 11:40

It's fear. The fear of bad news and emotions. Some people are genuinely scared so much so they just try as hard as possible not to participate and bury their heads in a sand.
Plus there are family dynamics in play which affect this as well.

What a lazy twat. Is he relying on you to do it, OP?
More wife work.
The only twat here is you if you cannot comprehend people having issues to deal with situations like that🙄

PumpkinPie2016 · 11/04/2021 12:05

His reaction may not appear normal but could very well be a coping mechanism/fear/denial/not knowing what to do or say.

Having a close relative with a terminal illness is hideous (been there!) And people cope in different ways. If you want to ring your MiL - great, do that. Ask your husband how he is feeling about things/if he is worried about something particular/is it easier if you ring for updates.

It's hard but try not to view it as uncaring because that may well not be the case.

Original poster
AsterixGoesCamping · 11/04/2021 15:18

I've never been involved in DH relationship with his parents, nor have I actually pushed him as such.
The most I have ever done is

  • asked him how his mum or dad were (both have had very serious health scare before)
  • suggest he goes more often to see his parents. But I havent counted how often he goes or made any comment about it.

So I'm pretty sure I havent put him on the spot or pushed him when he as a very different relationship with his parents than mines tbh.

OP posts:
Shinyletsbebadguys · 11/04/2021 15:27

It could be a coping mechanism but also its very hard even as a spouse to really understand familial relationships.

My family has been dysfunctional and toxic and theresa debate over emotional abuse. However we are the kings and queens of embracing Stepford wives personas. Exdh never got it. Until afterwards. DP got it immediately and actually dislikes the history because my Dp did some real damage.

You wouldn't know it , even Exdh took years to understand. In that time I may have behaved oddly in situations like this but there was really good reason. Exdh would have judged me for it and he apologised years later for not realising.

Things are rarely so simple. Be very careful about voicing things the way you have on here. I will be honest and say your first post would have caused a real issue if I had been your Dh. Unless you grew up in that home let him handle his family as he needs to.

22 years in Social Care it is rarer to see family who actually don't care than it is to see a family that had issues growing up and are trying to navigate at the end of it. Its not easy.

MintLampShade · 11/04/2021 17:34

@AsterixGoesCamping

I've never been involved in DH relationship with his parents, nor have I actually pushed him as such. The most I have ever done is
  • asked him how his mum or dad were (both have had very serious health scare before)
  • suggest he goes more often to see his parents. But I havent counted how often he goes or made any comment about it.

So I'm pretty sure I havent put him on the spot or pushed him when he as a very different relationship with his parents than mines tbh.

See? So when it comes to parents, your normal may not be his normal and there's nothing wrong with that. It's just different. My DH has always found it "weird" how close I am to my parents and doesn't really get it. I don't get his relationship either. But I do respect it and accept it. So on that basis YABU. But perfectly reasonable to message your MIL yourself if you are worried about them.
Neron · 11/04/2021 17:52

Do you think it's not normal behaviour, because it's different to how you would react?
Everyone does things differently. The day my DF died (suicide) I went and collected my P45 from my old job and behaved as if nothing was wrong at all. People do strange things in bad times.

GlendaNorth · 11/04/2021 17:58

My husband is like this. He doesn't ring on mother's day either. I always aghast at his lack of communication, despite being with him for more than twenty years I haven't managed to learn or understand why he's like this. Even if he wasn't bothered emotionally, you'd think he'd have at least a passing curiosity?!

PoutineQueen · 11/04/2021 18:03

Does he have a good relationship with them?

Have they been good parents to him?

Original poster
AsterixGoesCamping · 11/04/2021 18:26

Yes he has a good relationship with them. It’s not as if he has ever wanted to avoid them, expressed issues about them (he has about his sibling).
He also has gone to help them at the farm many times, on his own initiative.

That’s why it feels wrong.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 11/04/2021 18:28

That’s very low of him.

Doesn’t bode well for others he supposedly loves, when they/you are suffering Sad

SchrodingersImmigrant · 11/04/2021 18:31

My uncle loves my grandma. Theya lways had great relationship. He cannot visit her in the care home often. He just can't. He had a panic attack once even. My mum just about manages and it takes her a day to recover. Doesn't make them bad people.

Family illness is hard. Especially ongoing.