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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that DB and SIL should not have more children

221 replies

Fustratedsister · 22/10/2007 10:49

They have 4 children already, he is currently unemployed due to redundancy, she refuses to work, he is desperately trying to find a job that pays well and now she is pregnant again.

They have financial difficulties, my DM is bailing them out, I and my other DB have given them money to help pay bills. Why are they having more children for heaven's sake?

We know why She has got herself pregnant deliberately so that she won't have to go out to work. We have been pressing her, my DB has been encouraging and her family have also been putting pressure on her to find a part time job that would enable DB to take a lower paid job.

Her excuse is that the youngest needed her. The 3yo is now in nursery so she had no excuse so she goes off and gets herself pregnant again.

Next time I see my DB I'm going to tell him to get the snip or start using condoms because she obviously can't be trusted.

AIBU?

OP posts:
lady007pink · 24/10/2007 04:08

I have an aunt that had several children one after the other, and she was very neglectful of them. My mother (her sister) and other aunts used to get frustrated every time she got pregnant, because she was unable to look after the children she already had. They went around naked, the house was filthy, the only baths they had was in the cattle water tank in the Summertime. We live in a small town, and the townspeople would gasp with horror everytime she announced a pregnancy and make comments that they'd love to tie a knot in him. My mother and aunts helped her out whatever way they could (not financially now) even though they had small children themselves.
Now her children are all grown up and some have families of their own. They are degree educated and the lovliest people you could meet. My aunt made the comment to me recently about the horror townspeople expressed everytime she announced a pregnancy - she says "You'd think they had to rear the child!". As it happens, she was a SAHM, but when the youngest left school she did a secretarial course and is now working.
I really don't know what to say, OP. I can understand your worries and concerns - like my mother you're worried about your nieces and nephews being neglected.
Does your DB and SIL gives them lots of love and attention?

BabiesEverywhere · 24/10/2007 08:40

~I wonder if all the people who have said "stop lending them money" have ever been in this situation?~
Yes, our family is currently in the same situation. My dope head brother has moved from a nice house with friends to a dive one step from a squat. As his house owning friend needed a housemate who can pay the rent (for the morgage) Brother has no job by choice he quit the last one as he didn't like the boss !!! He has no money for anything except drugs...we don't give him money, he needs to sort his life out. (Now if he wanted an interview suit or a haircut I would pay but I will not give him money for drugs)

But I wouldn't say "Stop lending them money" I say "don't GIVE them money". You and me know, it will never be returned.

professorplum · 24/10/2007 08:59

'DB even has to comb his DD hair!'

lol. My dh loves combing his dd hair. I will have to tell him to stop before my SIL posts about me stealing his essence and impregnating myself without his knowledge.

ssd · 24/10/2007 09:06

I don't think the op is being unreasonable

she just sounds very frustrated at them and I don't blame her

its easy to say don't give them money but much harder to stop giving money when she probably knows the kids will suffer

families are really hard, to the op, do what suits you!

reviewer · 24/10/2007 09:47

To the OP: you have called yourself frustratedsister. The major problem is your frustration with your DB and SIL.
So stop giving them money and worrying about things that you cannot control.
If you want to do something useful, relieve your frustration by doing something nice for the next generation. Spend your money on treats for your nephews & nieces, not on their parents' household bills.

HotLove · 24/10/2007 10:15

never mind the hamper, i know what i would be sending them for xmas

LittleMissNervoustWitch · 24/10/2007 10:24

whats that then hotlove??

HotLove · 24/10/2007 10:25

condoms

alyblackcat · 24/10/2007 11:01

BE, but does your brother have dependent children living with him? Because if my 'd'b had been a single man who spent all his money on drugs and chose to live in squalor, then more fool him. (You see I have become very hard, I have 2 brothers like this)

But he isn't, and his first child went without - never any nappies in the house, very little food in cupboards - although always fags and gear, always looked dirty and unkepmt etc I'm not saying that is wrong, everyone has different approaches to parenting but it is hard when you see children you love in a less than ideal situation.

themildmanneredaxemurderer · 24/10/2007 11:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

alyblackcat · 24/10/2007 11:14

I agree with you tmmam, but am aware that many people have different abilities/ideals as a parent - and a little dirt never actually harmed anyone and you should see my 3 yr old at the end of a busy day digging my plants up in the garden!

I'm sure I do things that other parents think not ok, but we can all only parent to the best of our own abilities.

(Believe me, I'm not this pc in my own head but I am trying to teach myself to be more accepting)

lady007pink · 24/10/2007 22:33

It's easy to condemn OP as being interfering, not being fair on her SIL and telling her to mind her own business. At the end of the day it's the children who are suffering due to their irresponsibility. The children have needs, both emotionally and financially. I hope they're having their emotional needs met, and OP's mother should stop giving them money- instead buy essentials for the kids like nappies and clothes (very cheap in Primark and Matalan).

Original poster
Fustratedsister · 25/10/2007 16:54

I had a chat with DB last night and he said that they are both shocked by this pregnancy that he should have been more careful. I felt like an idiot tbh and I have to concede that I made a bad assumption about SIL doing it deliberately.

I still think it is foolhardy for them to have another child in their situation but what is done is done, especially as it does appear to be an accident.

He has been given a starting date for his new job now but it pays much less than his previous one so hopefully the tax credits will help them out.

I know I probably came across as pedantic and interfering busybody but nobody likes to see their love ones in situations that are not good for them.

They are loving parents and the children are very secure in their environment. DB is very hands on with his DC and is a model father in that respect. One of the things DB said was that he wished he could give his children everything that they want so I responded by saying that children have to learn that they cannot always have what they want and he agreed, reluctantly, that I was right.

Anyway thanks for your responses and in future I will learn not to make snap judgements by misreading sitations.

OP posts:
ssd · 25/10/2007 17:02

don't feel bad, we've all done that!

glad you feel a bit better

lucyellensmum · 25/10/2007 17:23

great post frustrated sister. Im really pleased to hear about DBs job too. Yes, they should make sure they get all the financial help they can too.

The kids may not have everything they want, if material things are on measure, but it sounds like they will be well loved, which is all they ever need

SueBarooeeooeeooooo · 25/10/2007 17:25

And brave you to come back after that flaming

Tanee58 · 25/10/2007 17:27

That's very good news about DB's job, FS, and you've been very generous and brave to admit you might have been overharsh to SIL. Hope things go well with them and you're quite right, plenty of love is more important to children, and a much more valuable lesson for life, than getting every material need met.

Good luck to your whole family and hope all goes well with DB & SIL's pregnancy.

Lorayn · 25/10/2007 17:35

Tax credits WILL help them out if he is in low paid employment, this site tells you how much you should be entiteld to and if youre entitled to housing benefit too.

Tanee58 · 25/10/2007 18:47

As long as he's earning less than around 13-14K. I lost all mine when dp and I moved in together - we're marginally worse off than if we'd remained in separate homes . The system isn't necessarily fair to couples.

Original poster
Fustratedsister · 25/10/2007 19:54

Thanks for that site Lorayn. I'll pass it on to them.

I've definitely learnt my lesson about jumping in with preconceived ideas. I only wanted the best for them and the children and felt that they were not helping themselves but life is never that simple!

OP posts:
Lorayn · 25/10/2007 19:58

At least youre big enough to admit it rather than just bugger off and come back with a new name, not that I'm saying any mners would do that of course

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