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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that DB and SIL should not have more children

221 replies

Fustratedsister · 22/10/2007 10:49

They have 4 children already, he is currently unemployed due to redundancy, she refuses to work, he is desperately trying to find a job that pays well and now she is pregnant again.

They have financial difficulties, my DM is bailing them out, I and my other DB have given them money to help pay bills. Why are they having more children for heaven's sake?

We know why She has got herself pregnant deliberately so that she won't have to go out to work. We have been pressing her, my DB has been encouraging and her family have also been putting pressure on her to find a part time job that would enable DB to take a lower paid job.

Her excuse is that the youngest needed her. The 3yo is now in nursery so she had no excuse so she goes off and gets herself pregnant again.

Next time I see my DB I'm going to tell him to get the snip or start using condoms because she obviously can't be trusted.

AIBU?

OP posts:
BabiesEverywhere · 22/10/2007 15:45

What a lovely thought to send them some food around christmas, when their budget is bound to be at it's tightest

What about tesco vouchers and/or send them a trolley of shopping via their online website.

You money will buy a lot more food at Tescos than a posh hamper.

lucyellensmum · 22/10/2007 15:49

She had four children and refuses to work?? What is looking after four children then? i battle with one! I take it she is not a career woman so what job is going to pay her to go to work and get childcare for four.

What line of work is DB in? He would surely be entitled some sort of tax credits etc.

I will not be returning to work until my DD goes to school, and even then it will be part time so i can be home for DD when she gets in from school. I certainly do not see my DD as an excuse not to work, no sorry, you are being unreasonable and a little smug judging from your OP.

We have had to go to my mother to bail us out of financial difficulty over the past two years. Yes its crap, but it certainly doent mean i shoudlnt have had DD.

ElenyaTuesday · 22/10/2007 16:45

Well, I've certainly had my eyes opened by this thread!!!! I'm amazed at the hard time some of you have given the OP - it's hardly surprising she is concerned about the financial impact on her brother of this fifth child. Some of you are so quick to judge her and attribute malicious intent that you can't (or won't) see the bigger picture. Extraordinary......

jorange5 · 22/10/2007 16:56

YANBU They are being selfish having kids they can't afford.

Lorayn · 22/10/2007 17:01

jorange, who says they cant afford it??
I have already made the point that it may not cost them anything extra to bring this baby into the world.

And as someone else mentioned, what job is the mother going to be able to get that will pay for childcare for four children?

amytheearwaxbanisher · 22/10/2007 17:06

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/1375/410480?stamp=071022161712go here

lissiethevampireslayer · 22/10/2007 17:06

plus one persons definition of "keeping head above water" can be very different to anothers. my SIL would be lost without her holidays, car, nice clothes etc. i dont care about that stuff and would rather be poor and have a large family than rich with an only child.

they havent ASKED the op for money, she just gives it them to make things easier, then moans about it.

bubblagirl · 22/10/2007 17:13

i haven't read whole of thread so if i've missed anything sorry

i understand your frustration at this as giving your money out all the time is stressful and now she is ahving another baby things will be tougher for them but with any luck your brother will find another job

the only yabu bit i saw was she cant be trusted they both made this baby she shouldn't get the blame and as you dont know the circumstances to them having another baby would be un fair to judge her

but yanbu with the money as to you and your family helping them out but as long as this baby is loved your brother will get on his feet again just continue supprting them buit back off financially then if nio one helps them it might be the encouragement needed but help your brother find work it can be hard on someone who is made redundant to find there feet again

see if they have things they could sell to make extra money just offer support but dont resent them for having another child

Tanee58 · 22/10/2007 17:14

Hope you don't mind me joining in but I do feel some of you have been a bit hard on FS -though she's also being very hard on SIL - I can only assume it comes of years of looking on in frustration - as her name suggests.

However, FS, though I sympathise with your feelings that they shouldn't have another child when they can't afford it, I do think you shouldn't butt in - it really isn't up to you to interfere between your DB and his wife and it will only rebound on all of you. A very similar situation occurred in my DP's family. It led to two of his sisters, who used to be close, not speaking to each other for 5 years (and sadly the baby in question miscarried). It's caused DP and the rest of his siblings and mother a whole lot of grief and I don't think the rift will ever heal. So whatever you feel, please keep it to yourself. How they choose to run their lives is really between them, and if the money is an issue, just don't give it, as you are enabling them. Withholding it may force them to take a harder look at their lives.

And remember, if your DB wasn't happy about adding to his family, not once, but TWICE, mind, as others have said, he could have used a condom to make doubly sure, even if he believed she was using contraception.

The hamper sounds a lovely idea, but it would be better value if you made it up yourself of things you know they love, and wrap it up nicely.

mumeeee · 22/10/2007 17:42

YAbu. It is thier family and they should be able to decide how many children they have.
Also she has the right to stay at home with thier children. I didn't go back to work until my youmgest was 8 as I thought it was good for young children to have Mum at home.

lomondgore · 22/10/2007 18:16

YUBU. It is no ones business but their own how many children they want. I also think that it should be up to a mother to choose whether she works or not. If you grudge helping them (which you obviously do or you would not have mentioned it) financially then don't do it again.

Your DB is a grown man and if he doesn't want any more children then he should go for the snip or abstain if he thinks she is falling pregnant deliberately. It takes two to make babies.

Spiderhammer · 22/10/2007 18:17

YABU.

PeachyFleshCrawlingWithBugs · 22/10/2007 18:33

I presume from the OP that an Angel came in the night and told your SIL that she was going to have an ickle baby boy? And that carpentry work has dried upa round where they live? Well, I woudlnt worry- she's going to have to travel to the cty on a donkey to sign the census anyhow, so he'd have lost his job anyway. And some daft possibly Buddhist chap will be along soon after with a couple of gifts, one containing gold so that'll cover the hay bill anyway.

Ok. Sensibly now. Lots of epoelp have lifestyles we don't approve f but that's OK, its none of our business, concern is one thing but it really is their lives and their decision. And anyhow- there's no such thing as guranteed stability. when we conceived ds3 DH and I both ahd good job,s by the time he arrived Dh ahd lost his job and it took him a good few months to find another, and I never went abck to work.

We can't help but jusge a little but when it comes down to it, we just do our best and get on with it. So sorry, but YABU

rookiemum · 22/10/2007 19:43

Ok I know that you have left this thread but I have been thinking about this a lot plus the mysteries of the pontipines in the night garden but thats a whole other thread.

Does your DB ask you for money or do you just give it to him, does your SIL know ? She may not know he gets hand outs as he may be hiding it.

I know its personal but how many children do you have ? Do you think there are any issues in your own family situation that are causing you to feel so resentful ?

Does your SIL come from a large family, if she does she may think its natural to have one herself ?

Lots of questions I know and as I say I know its probably too late.

Original poster
Fustratedsister · 22/10/2007 20:20

My last word.

Despite what some think, I don't despise my SIL, I just find her infuriating (as does my family and hers) because she does nothing to help her situation. We do not expect her to go out to work and pay for childcare. Her mother often has the children so she could work around that. Also, we have suggested that she can get a job that fits in around my DB's hours when he was working. She could do a cleaning job when he gets in for a couple of hours, work at a supermarket or in a care home. There are lots of options available for her to contribute to the finances and millions of women do this everyday. She chooses not to. Now she has got herself pregnant. Is it no wonder that we are exasperated?

Rookie, I am not resentful of my SIL. We both come from families of 5 siblings. I choose to have only two children because I am happy with that. I could afford more but don't want to. She knows about the help DB gets from my family. As I said, it is given with no strings attached.

Maybe I'm too logical and that is at the root of my fustrations with their situation.

Definitely signing out now. BTW, I think that other thread is really pathetic.

OP posts:
MaryBleedinShelley · 22/10/2007 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittleMissNervoustWitch · 22/10/2007 20:33

Told you this was a joke at 15:14 but nobody listened to me

LittleMissNervoustWitch · 22/10/2007 20:36

it is FrustratedSister and FrustratedSisterInLaw
having a good laugh at us all

Hekate · 22/10/2007 21:06

I think the op is probably real but the other thread has been started as a piss take.

juuule · 22/10/2007 21:16

By Fustratedsister on Mon 22-Oct-07 20:20:05
"Now she has got herself pregnant."
So you are still insisting that she has got herself pg.

BabiesEverywhere · 22/10/2007 21:28

You have learnt nothing from all the advice posted on this thread.

You still feel pushing this woman to work against her will, is a reasonable course of action.

How would you feel if you were belittled, insulted and bullied into staying at home with your kids against your wishes...would that be acceptable behaviour from your family ?

Some mums want to work - Good for them
Some mums want to stay at home - Good for them

The mums I feel for are jointly :-

: Those forced to work, when they want to be at home
: Those forced to be at home, when they want to be at work.

You are behaving in a horrible bullying fashion towards your SIL, she is raising four children and is pregnant, yet YOU want her to work outside the home on top of that. No court in the land would force a woman to work so many hours...where do you get off ?

jellybeans · 22/10/2007 21:41

I don't get why you are so adament she should get a job. She is already 'working' if she has kids. If they are lowish income (under £28K) and have several kids, they are probably better off with one in work and one recieiving tax credits, a part time job such as those you suggest would merely reduce the entitlement and they would in fact be no better off. I have 4 older kids ( school age) and don't work as i am knackered already as have so much to do, no way would I want to do someone elses cleaning on top of my own unless there was NO choice!!!

lissiethevampireslayer · 22/10/2007 21:51

i agree with babies and jellybeans

YABVU

lissiethevampireslayer · 22/10/2007 21:51

i agree with babies and jellybeans

YABVU

Lorayn · 22/10/2007 22:39

nervoustiwtch, I dont think fustratedsister is anything to do with frustratedsisterinlaw

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