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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that DB and SIL should not have more children

221 replies

Fustratedsister · 22/10/2007 10:49

They have 4 children already, he is currently unemployed due to redundancy, she refuses to work, he is desperately trying to find a job that pays well and now she is pregnant again.

They have financial difficulties, my DM is bailing them out, I and my other DB have given them money to help pay bills. Why are they having more children for heaven's sake?

We know why She has got herself pregnant deliberately so that she won't have to go out to work. We have been pressing her, my DB has been encouraging and her family have also been putting pressure on her to find a part time job that would enable DB to take a lower paid job.

Her excuse is that the youngest needed her. The 3yo is now in nursery so she had no excuse so she goes off and gets herself pregnant again.

Next time I see my DB I'm going to tell him to get the snip or start using condoms because she obviously can't be trusted.

AIBU?

OP posts:
lissiethevampireslayer · 22/10/2007 22:45

you are norty

Hekate · 22/10/2007 22:52

ooh, Lorayn, you naughty naughty thing, you.

lucyellensmum · 23/10/2007 08:46

How dare you suggest that this woman go to work after looking after 4, soon to be 5 children. I honestly don't know how people cope with so many lo's but that is because i am pretty disorganised and lazy and i just don't know where they find the time. Why should she take on a menial job, which as someone pointed out would only take from the help they can get from the state, which IMO as tax payers they are entitled to. I would certainly be too knackered to work in the evenings after looking after DD all day.

You still don't say what your DB does, if he doesnt earn enough money in his current line of work, perhaps it is time for him to retrain. Could he not take a second job? I mean, that is what you are suggesting your SIL do.

I bet you feel really good about your high and mighty self. Personally i think you are jealous of your inlaws receiving attention and help from your DH. Lets just hope that you don't find yourself in a situation where you need a hand and then you can worry about how people are judging you.

I am sorry you didnt get the "oh yes, they sound like the lazy family from hell and she sounds like a slut" response you so wished for. They sound like a family struggling with redundancy and your support should be directed at helping DB back into work. Of course there is always the option of her going to work full time, but do you think DB could cope with 5 children all day every day. I know there are men out there who can, and excell in this task - perhaps its time for a role change. Let this woman get out and get a CAREER. I also resent the imlication that she should get a job in a care home. FFS, my father suffered terribly from neglect because these places employ people who are doing it for the money and not the vocation.

elescarybells · 23/10/2007 09:05

ive seen thread like this already but from the woman with the children im sure

taking the piss me thinks

Lorayn · 23/10/2007 09:59

LEM, she said her brother is doing volunteer work, which is 90% likely to lead to paid employment..................

Lorayn · 23/10/2007 10:01

Oh, and why am I naughty??
I'll go sit on the step if someone tells me what I've done!!

lissiethevampireslayer · 23/10/2007 10:12

sorry lorayn, i thought it was you who'd started the other thread.

LEM, couldnt agree more

Hellcat · 23/10/2007 10:29

Well, someone has to say it....

There is an 'r' after the 'f' in 'fustrated'.

It's 'frustrated'.

People should not bandy about emotions which they cannot even spell.

You all sound like pikey scumbags to me.

themildmanneredaxemurderer · 23/10/2007 10:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lissiethevampireslayer · 23/10/2007 10:37

can you not use the word "pikey" please!

Hellcat · 23/10/2007 10:46

Sorry, that was completely unjustified...

The poor man should be helped out following his redundancy, and really, 4 children or 5? Its still a houseful, no hope of her going to work.

LittleMissNervoustWitch · 23/10/2007 10:59

yes i did think this thread must have been a joke as it is hard to believe that this woman could be so pigheadedly judgemental of her SIL, so when i saw the other thread taking the piss i though hmmmm is this woman for real?
If she is for real then she is just outrageous get a grip woman and wind your neck in!

bozza · 23/10/2007 11:09

I can see the OP's POV but you are blaming everything on your SIL and assuming your brother is totally blameless in all this. You are making your brother sound very weak.

LEM I would imagine that lots of women with families to work around work in care homes. Unfortunately I would imagine that the number of people with such a vocation does not nearly match the number of people required to run all our care homes.

StIncognita · 23/10/2007 11:13

Fecking hell, what a charmer you are. It's none of your bloody business.

I've got a SIL just like you, and she told Dh to get the snip when I was PG with my third. She's told me to my face that I'm lazy for being at home with my four children. Our PIL helped us with the deposit to this house, and she is cheesed off about it because it wasn't a loan, it was a gift. She thinks if I worked, we wouldn't have need the help.

I think she's a self-righteous, self-satisfied bitch, and I think I am remarkably self-controlled for not slapping her silly everytime she speaks to me like that.

I think your SIL is remarkably self-controlled too.

oliviaelanasmum · 23/10/2007 17:34

Are you sure your not my sil
I have just had our 3rd daughter whom the oh family thought we shouldn't really have as they thought we couldn't afford her! Who needs bloody families!!

lucyellensmum · 23/10/2007 18:03

yes bozza you make a good point there, its just i have been unfortunate enough to witness some terrible people working in a care home, the sort that probably only there because the DSS threatened to stop their benefits if they dont work, but that is a different story. MOST of the people working in care homes are very caring and do a great job

pigletmaker · 23/10/2007 19:50

I've not read all your answers to this query, but while I do see your point, really its not for you to tell them what to do or how to do it, unfortunately.

edam · 23/10/2007 20:02

I sympathise. Incredibly frustrating to watch someone who is already struggling make a bad decision. Especially if they are repeating a pattern (and I mean both of them, not just your SIL). But you can only think 'Oh Lord, what have they done now', you can't say it out loud.

Hekate · 23/10/2007 20:32

oh, sorry lorayn. When you said that the one wasn't anything to do with the other, you added a onto the end. I interpreted this as you admiting you'd done it for a joke. Sorry.

nappyaddict · 23/10/2007 20:41

3 year olds are only in nursery for 2.5 hours a day though. there aren't any jobs i know of where you can only go in for 2.5 hours. in actual fact it would be less time than this once she has dropped off and picked up. tbh i don't think it is fair to think someone shoud get a job if they don't want to until their child is in school.

expatinscotland · 23/10/2007 20:44

YABU.

So what if she doesn't go out to work?

I don't blame her. I think work sucks royal dick.

Don't like it then don't give her money.

You sound really bitter.

Get over it.

Carrying around so much negative energy can't be good for you.

expatinscotland · 23/10/2007 20:45

Where's the other thread?

See what I get for looking after my children during the day and not going out to work to get online and MN?

alyblackcat · 24/10/2007 00:26

As someone who has regularly lent huge sums (well over £10k in 5 years - although none for 3 yrs now) of money to an older brother who is quite capable of working but choses not too (as it would interfere with all his dope smoking)I wonder if all the people who have said "stop lending them money" have ever been in this situation?

Every time I aid it is the last time, but when he showed me the new eviction notice from his HA I caved in, especially as the H Officer told me that they would be deemed to have made themselves intententionally homeless and therefore no longer the council's responsibility to house them. Also the Ho told me not to pay (each time) as they would soon be in arrears again and he would never learn to stand on his own 2 feet.

I personally could not bear to see my nephew on the street, it is not his fault his father has not had a job for 15+ years despite bing intelligent and able (with a good education). I have to admit that I was a little pissed off when they had their 2nd when we had saved hard for a deposit on a house and due to a mortgage I couldn't take a career break to have our first. Despite our careful saving I could always find the money (usually £1-1,200 per time) to pay his rent but it meant putting off starting our family.

I am not saying that the OP is correct by any means, but when you lot are accusing her (maybe rightly) of being judgemental, pot and kettle....

Quattrocento · 24/10/2007 00:28

YABU

It is none of your business

Giving them money does not entitle you to have a say in their lifestyle

Oh and don't give them money if you begrudge it

TheEvilDediderata · 24/10/2007 00:34

Shitting hell, expat! You don't sound particularly avuncular yourself at the moment

Frustratedsister, to be honest, NO. You're not being unreasonable. It isn't any of your business, for sure, but nor is the War in Iraq, and plenty of people have got a lot to say about that.

Where you let yourself down was the 'she obviously can't be trusted' line in the OP.

Now, for all I know, you might be right. But it doesn't sound too good when you say it out loud. As has been mentioned a hundred times already, db is in possession of a rather potent prick, so it would seem.

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