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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that DB and SIL should not have more children

221 replies

Fustratedsister · 22/10/2007 10:49

They have 4 children already, he is currently unemployed due to redundancy, she refuses to work, he is desperately trying to find a job that pays well and now she is pregnant again.

They have financial difficulties, my DM is bailing them out, I and my other DB have given them money to help pay bills. Why are they having more children for heaven's sake?

We know why She has got herself pregnant deliberately so that she won't have to go out to work. We have been pressing her, my DB has been encouraging and her family have also been putting pressure on her to find a part time job that would enable DB to take a lower paid job.

Her excuse is that the youngest needed her. The 3yo is now in nursery so she had no excuse so she goes off and gets herself pregnant again.

Next time I see my DB I'm going to tell him to get the snip or start using condoms because she obviously can't be trusted.

AIBU?

OP posts:
JodieG1 · 22/10/2007 14:45

Maybe a hint of the green eyed monster here?

blueshoes · 22/10/2007 14:47

I don't agree frustratedsister necessarily has something against SAHM.

Her SIL has Financial Problems. The way of out Financial Problems is by having an income (usually means a job) and not incurring more Costs (which includes the expensive business of raising children).

So yes, I would wonder what is a person's gameplan to fall pregnant soon again (assuming it was planned) when money is tight. I would not do it, but I am different from OP's SIL, obviously.

LittleMissNervoustWitch · 22/10/2007 14:50

she said her sister told her it was totally unexpected, i dont thik she has a game plan

southeastastra · 22/10/2007 14:55

do think people are rounding up a bit on the op.

i've been peed of, struggling to pay the mortgage, then seen someone have baby after baby, no job.

then been able to go to unversity and get alot of subsidies.

i can see how she's miffed.

blueshoes · 22/10/2007 14:57

ah, I guess what the OP is saying is she does not believe it was an "accident". We really cannot know. And what is done is done.

OP has already acknowledged that she and her SIL are different.

Original poster
Fustratedsister · 22/10/2007 14:59

Look, I did not mean that being SAHM was the same as being unproductive (poor phrasing on my part). Looking after children is the hardest, most rewarding and self-less work anyone can do (I have 2 and only work part-time).

However, I and others feel that SIL should be doing more to help herself. Sometimes people don't realise what is good for them and need others to point it out.

I think I better bow out now.

Thanks for the advice and contrary to what you may think, I'm not judgemental, just concerned for all involved.

OP posts:
kerala · 22/10/2007 15:00

YANBU in my opinion. Surely before having children you should consider carefully whether you will be able to look after them properly and provide for them? Its not a divine right to have as many children as you fancy having notwithstanding your circumstances. There are too many people on the the planet anyway.

FioFio · 22/10/2007 15:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

LilBloodRedWantsGore · 22/10/2007 15:05

Fio - I may think they were foolish too, but I wouldn't feel that I had a right to tell my brother that he is being trapped and should have a vasectomy!

FrustratedSisterInLaw · 22/10/2007 15:05

She's always envied my large norks and teeny waist.

FioFio · 22/10/2007 15:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Santasmissyontheside · 22/10/2007 15:06

Well i'm a SAHM and wouldn't change it for the world. I do ten hours work a week but dd2 is 6 wks old so not working right now. We're already trying for one more. And what the hell would it have to do with anyone if i had more? Regardless of our money situation. Which isn't great but you know what there is more to life than being rich

LittleMissNervoustWitch · 22/10/2007 15:14

is this thread a joke

EvilHM · 22/10/2007 15:15

I would say don't give them money if it bothers you so much how they choose to live their lives.

LittleMissNervoustWitch · 22/10/2007 15:16

frustratedsisterinlaw??? this is a joke right?

Yvaine · 22/10/2007 15:17

WRT your OP - I dont think you are unreasonable AT ALL.

You are perfectly entitled to think and feel how you like about something. There are many things that go on in families that other family members frown on, or arent happy with. That's life.

I really dont think you should act on it, and I suspect you knew this all along, which is why you asked 'AIBU'.

I dont think that having another child is the "easy" option either, but, I can utterly understand how hopeless things look from the outside.

If you want advice, mine would be that you no longer 'bail them out'. That you remember that they are a couple, comprising of two fully grown adults and are both capable of making their own decisions. Finally, try not to become entangled in their situation. You only really have your brother's version of events, after all.

LittleMissNervoustWitch · 22/10/2007 15:22

this is a joke see message:

By FrustratedSisterInLaw on Mon 22-Oct-07 15:05:47
She's always envied my large norks and teeny waist.

Very funny, kept me going most of the afternoon

Original poster
Fustratedsister · 22/10/2007 15:33

I know I said I was going to bow out but just want to ask your advice as it is clear that I am too emotionally close to all of this.

I was going to send them a big hamper of food as a Christmas present.

Should I still do it or do you think they would be offended?

OP posts:
belgo · 22/10/2007 15:35

As long as it was one of those posh luxery hampers I don't see why they would be offended.

Lorayn · 22/10/2007 15:36

Littlemissnervoustwicth, you did see that was a different name to the op right??

Lorayn · 22/10/2007 15:37

My exdp's dad used to buy us and exdp's db/ds hampers every year, we werent offended.

lucyellensmum · 22/10/2007 15:38

i dont know whether the OP is being unreasonable or not. But what is she suggesting her SIL do, have an abortion? .

Both of my children were "accidents" but i chose the term serendipity or fate. The second accident was when i was 36 and old enough to know better. I was going to be a career scientist, DD1 was 15 and off my hands, we were going to enjoy some money for the first time. Then, i got pregnant!! Now, im a SAHM and we are in dire financial straits. If anyone even hints that i should have had an abortion i might have to hit them. My DD is the light of my life, i would not change anything. It fate, she was meant to be - i dont resent the fact that we are poor for one minute, i could change that if i got a job, i will get a job when she starts school, but for now i intend to enjoy my daughter. I would love to have another baby, but we cannot afford it, i am making damn sure we don't have another accident though as it would be unfair to the rest of the family.

But its too late now, the OPs SIL is pregnant again. Instead of judging perhaps offering a bit of support might be in order. I can understand her concerns but its done, now its time to roll sleaves up and lend a hand. Why the hell should this woman go to work if she has four children? And actually, i am a SAHMOTHER not SAHSkivvy. Sometimes DP gets home from work and has to cook the meal and tidy up, if i have had a bad day, but its evens out because last night i was up until midnight doing his admin.

Santasmissyontheside · 22/10/2007 15:40

I think thats a lovely idea! Yummy

LittleMissNervoustWitch · 22/10/2007 15:40

yes it was lorayn!

By FrustratedSisterInLaw on Mon 22-Oct-07 15:05:47
She's always envied my large norks and teeny waist.

see its still in my clip board!

lucyellensmum · 22/10/2007 15:41

I think the food hamper is a great idea, although i think it would be nicer (and more value for money) if you put something together yourself. That way they wont be lumbered with tins of luxury salmon that nobody likes, or candied sodding apricots As to whether they would be offended, it depends on the spirit in which it is given.

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