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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that DB and SIL should not have more children

221 replies

Fustratedsister · 22/10/2007 10:49

They have 4 children already, he is currently unemployed due to redundancy, she refuses to work, he is desperately trying to find a job that pays well and now she is pregnant again.

They have financial difficulties, my DM is bailing them out, I and my other DB have given them money to help pay bills. Why are they having more children for heaven's sake?

We know why She has got herself pregnant deliberately so that she won't have to go out to work. We have been pressing her, my DB has been encouraging and her family have also been putting pressure on her to find a part time job that would enable DB to take a lower paid job.

Her excuse is that the youngest needed her. The 3yo is now in nursery so she had no excuse so she goes off and gets herself pregnant again.

Next time I see my DB I'm going to tell him to get the snip or start using condoms because she obviously can't be trusted.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Saturn74 · 22/10/2007 11:03

And did she really "get herself pregnant again"?

It sounds like you really dislike the woman, and have overlooked the fact that your brother bears some responsibility in all this too.

Perhaps you could help him by looking in the area for jobs that would suit him?

RoyKinnear · 22/10/2007 11:03

sorry but lol at Juule!!!

rookiemum · 22/10/2007 11:05

Ok so your issue is also that your SIL doesn't do very much around the house.

Again it is none of your business. I would imagine that just getting 4 children out the door in the morning is hard work.

When your DB moans to you about how much he has to do, why don't you encourage him to discuss it with his DW. If you really want to be helpful you could offer to look after their kids to allow them an opportunity to go out and have a chat about it.

You don't like her, fine, I'm sure you have your reasons, but it is just not up to you to comment on how many kids they have.

JodieG1 · 22/10/2007 11:05

Sorry but more fool your db if there was another "accident", does he not know how babies are made? Maybe he actually wanted more but, shock, didn't tell you? I'm sure he tells his wife more than you!

RubyShivers · 22/10/2007 11:06

how do you know it is an accident
TBH it sounds like your brother is taking zero responsibility for this pregnancy and that is baffling
why don't you like your SIL?

Hekate · 22/10/2007 11:07

Oh, he's a victim is he....I'm sorry, did he trip and fall into her ... and out, and in, and....

He does have responsibility too. He can wear a condom, have the snip, abstain....

oxocube · 22/10/2007 11:07

Agree with all the others, I'm afraid. Personally, its not a choice I would make in their situation but its not up to you to comment imo. Don't help them financially if you disagree with their lifestyle.

RubyShivers · 22/10/2007 11:07

LOL at Hekate ...
quite ... takes two to tango and all that

mamazon · 22/10/2007 11:08

then that is between them.

he is yoru brother, you have teh right to defend him but he is a grown adult who im sure knew what he was doing when he slept with his wife.

im sure you do find it frustrating that they do not live their lives by your rules, and i can understand feeling annoyed that they are btoh out of work whilst you are paying tehir bills.....so stop paying them.

whilst you and yoru family keep bailing them out they will notbe able to see just how bad things are. maybe if theyr were left to tehir own devices for a while they may come to realise just how much they need to get sorted.

but essentially i really do feel you need to butt out

Original poster
Fustratedsister · 22/10/2007 11:11

My DM will not stop bailing them and tbh, neither will I because ultimately, we don't want the children to suffer. I just don't understand why they can't do more to help themselves. My DB is really trying and currently doing voluntary work with young people because he is hoping it will lead to permanent paid work in that area but she does nothing. She is not depressed or anything like that, just bone idle. Always has been.

Also, I have never commented to them on their lifestyle and I don't begrudge giving them the money, especially as they don't ask for it - my DM mentions things and I just give it when I see him - no questions asked and no strings attached.

It is just on this occasion, I think it is time someone said something to them.

OP posts:
BandofMutantMonsters · 22/10/2007 11:13

Why would she stop if she is always bailed out, and why would she do anything round the house when he will come home and do it for her.

Sorry, but you are all enabling her idleness, thru good intentions, yes, but nonetheless...........

claraenglish · 22/10/2007 11:15

Message withdrawn

LIZS · 22/10/2007 11:16

You can think it and plenty will agree with you but you can't stop it, like it or not. What you can control is whether you continue to bail them out and YANBU if you decide not to. Yoru DB does't need a job that necessarily pays well, he needs a job full stop, and to take responsibilty for their kids. All the time he is out of work she ahs no excuse , pg or not , anyway.

mamazon · 22/10/2007 11:17

then there are strings attached.
you feel that you have teh right to comment on how they live their life....you dont.

if you wish to carry on giving them money great, it saves them having to panic about it all.

just stop trying to control how an adult lives their life

SSSandy2 · 22/10/2007 11:17

Don't take your anger out on your db, he is in a difficult situation but they are grown up and they have made their choices so they will have to cope with the situation.

If your db gets a job similar to the last one he had, will he be financially back in the black and able to manage without dm's help?

spookybatoscar · 22/10/2007 11:18

I wholey understand your frustration I really do but I'm afraid YABU

Your DB needs to take responsability for his own contrception. If he wants no more kids that is.

And stop bailing them out if it rancours with you all so much. If you feel giving money buys a right to have a say in their personal lives YA definatley BU

I know it's hellishly frustrating seeing an DIL getting away with what you find a total lack of common sense but....sorry

NKF · 22/10/2007 11:19

Well, you feel how you feel but it's not your business or place to tell her. That would be my view.

juuule · 22/10/2007 11:20

What? she does absolutely nothing? Are you completely sure of that? Are you with her all day?
And if your DM wants to help them out maybe she knows more about their situation than you do and is respecting their privacy by not saying anything to you.
You say you don't begrudge the help you give them yet you bring it up as a negative against them in your post

juuule · 22/10/2007 11:22

Roykinnear -

lissiethevampireslayer · 22/10/2007 11:23

i'm sorry but it sounds like you have a problem with her. as long as their children are loved and happy then what business is it if yours. if they dont ask you for money, then why give it to them? and why blame your SIL for "getting herself pg again"? i understand your frustration but being a housewife and mother is a full-time job in itself, hardly "bone idle"

BabiesEverywhere · 22/10/2007 11:26

So your brother is doing an unpaid voluntary job rather than a job which pays real money.

Knocks his wife up again and has still not gone for a snip.

He takes money from you and your mother.

..and you are cross with your SIL for what !?!

Original poster
Fustratedsister · 22/10/2007 11:28

I don't begrudge helping them.

I'm fustrated that she has compounded the situation by deliberately becoming pregnant again. My DB is 45yo, she is 32. He does not need this kind of pressure. Also, I can guarantee that when this child turns 3yo, she will have another accident again.

OP posts:
BabiesEverywhere · 22/10/2007 11:29

Just in case you missed my post first time ;)

So your brother is doing an unpaid voluntary job rather than a job which pays real money.

Knocks his wife up again and has still not gone for a snip.

He takes money from you and your mother.

..and you are cross with your SIL for what !?!

JodieG1 · 22/10/2007 11:29

Aren't you listening? She didn't get herself pregnant ffs.

juuule · 22/10/2007 11:30

Your db is 45? Don't you think he's old enough to know what he is doing?
Sorry this would be laughable if it wasn't so outrageous.

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