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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that DB and SIL should not have more children

221 replies

Fustratedsister · 22/10/2007 10:49

They have 4 children already, he is currently unemployed due to redundancy, she refuses to work, he is desperately trying to find a job that pays well and now she is pregnant again.

They have financial difficulties, my DM is bailing them out, I and my other DB have given them money to help pay bills. Why are they having more children for heaven's sake?

We know why She has got herself pregnant deliberately so that she won't have to go out to work. We have been pressing her, my DB has been encouraging and her family have also been putting pressure on her to find a part time job that would enable DB to take a lower paid job.

Her excuse is that the youngest needed her. The 3yo is now in nursery so she had no excuse so she goes off and gets herself pregnant again.

Next time I see my DB I'm going to tell him to get the snip or start using condoms because she obviously can't be trusted.

AIBU?

OP posts:

LIZS · 22/10/2007 11:46

but he is the one who is allowing her to live like this and presumably having sex with her assuming she is taking contraception . It is his responsibility too and if he were that bothered he'd make sure .

BabiesEverywhere · 22/10/2007 11:47

~Babieseverywhere looks around for a new thread on Mumsnet entitled 'My Inlaws from Hell'~

lissiethevampireslayer · 22/10/2007 11:49

ffs, a baby is a blessing, not a curse or an accident. if he doesnt want another baby then maybe he should take control of the contraception, and i reiterate, how do you know they didnt agree to think about another baby?

i refuse to go on the pill, so we either use condoms or nothing. why is it your SILs "fault" for getting knocked up again? presumabley he didnt argue too much!

juuule · 22/10/2007 11:50

Babieseverywhere's advice at 11:39:17 is good. I'd take it if I was you FS. Might help your perspective.

claraenglish · 22/10/2007 11:53

Message withdrawn

susue · 22/10/2007 11:53

I have a sister that keeps getting pregnant and then because we all feel sorry for the children and the effects on them that not having much money in the house does we all help out.We've given her money, food and time and effort to help her and she just continues to take and take. Most people stop having children because you know your financial limits and that you can't afford anymore kids and still have weekend treats or a small holiday etc but some people just don't see sense. You will carry on helping them because you care about your DB and his kids but I don't think your thoughts are unreasonable. Chin up!

themoon66 · 22/10/2007 11:54

Leave them alone.

My sister tried to interfere between me and my DH over something that should have been private between me and DH.

I have cut her out of my life because of this and we haven't spoken for four years now.

If you want to keep your DB in your life, then keep your nose out of their sex life.

Original poster

Fustratedsister · 22/10/2007 11:59

This new baby will be cherished, love and wanted by all of us.

I have taken on board your advice and will not say anything to them. Can't help feeling fustrated with the whole situation though.

OP posts:

LittleMissNervoustWitch · 22/10/2007 11:59

FS your concern for your family is understanable in that we all care and worry about those that we love, however, your PO comes across as though you are blaming your SIL for their finaical troubles and for her getting preganant again.
i cant understand why you would want you DB to take a lower paid job, surely if there is an employer who is willing to pay him more he should take the higher paid job?
i dont think it is fair for anyone (including her family) to put pressure on her to get a part time job, i also dont think the fact that her youngest needs her is an excuse! i would say all of her children need her and if she chooses to be a sahm it is nobody eles business but hers and your DB's.

LittleMissNervoustWitch · 22/10/2007 12:01

sorry x-posts, my god my spelling is bad this morning

berolina · 22/10/2007 12:02

If your brother wasn't happy about the fourth child, he should then (at the latest) have taken responibility for contraception. IMO it's very convenient indeed for some men to leave it to the woman and then complain about being trapped.

Things can look very different from the outside from what they are really like.

Nbg · 22/10/2007 12:12

I can see why you might be a bit frustrated or about it all but as much as you'd like to think you know about their lives, you dont know everything.
It sounds to me like your SIL is depressed.

I just want to know, how do you know what contraception they use?
I think its a bit grim knowing those kind of ins and outs (scuse the pun) of your brothers marriage.

Great on your brother for trying to better himself and doing these courses but at times like this, needs must.

jellybeans · 22/10/2007 12:21

YANBU to have your own opinion but YABU if you get involved and by being overtly judgemental. I often hear IL's saying someone only got pg so they don't have to get a job, well being a SAHM is a job in itself, I found work easier sometimes.

Original poster

Fustratedsister · 22/10/2007 12:28

Nbg, I don't know what contraception they use because we do not discuss that kind of thing. I just put 2+2 together from things they have both said.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fustratedsister · 22/10/2007 12:30

Nbg, I don't know what contraception they use because we do not discuss that kind of thing. I just put 2+2 together from things they have both said.

OP posts:

Nbg · 22/10/2007 12:57

all of this aside, whats your SIL like as a person?

MrsTittleMouse · 22/10/2007 13:34

If you're restricting the size of your family for financial reasons then it's absolutely understandable that you would be narked off when someone else has the large family that you would like, and that you're expected to fund them. On the other hand, there is no way that you can suggest to your DB that he has a vasectomy, that really is blasting into a none-of-your-business area!

Original poster

Fustratedsister · 22/10/2007 13:44

She is not ambitious, fairly placid,not a great conversationalist,compassionate as well as loving towards her children but lacks vitality and zest for life. Sometimes, when I talk to her, it is like the only thing that matters is her family and nothing else exists.

I work because focusing just on my family is not enough for me. Maybe that is why I have issues with her.

OP posts:

MaryBleedinShelley · 22/10/2007 13:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nbg · 22/10/2007 13:49

Ahh now we're getting somewhere

See I haven't worked in 4 years since having my dd, apart from some sessional work with children and I hated it. Tbh it was a relief when I found out I was pg again.
I hated working when I had children at home and alot of parents are like that.

It does sound like she could be depressed with what you have said about her.
Does she seem happy about this baby?

ScaremyVile · 22/10/2007 13:54

I think you've hit the nail on the head there.
YOU view a SAHM as unambitious, lacking in drive, with no zest for life.
You think that because YOU dont share her desire to be a SAHM.
Get over yourself and your ridiculous prejudices.

Lorayn · 22/10/2007 13:54

"it is like the only thing that matters is her family and nothing else exists."
Sounds like me, what is so wrong with that???

Seriously, it is none of your business, at the end of the day, with or without your help, they will cope, and if you're so bothered by helping them, then dont.

Original poster

Fustratedsister · 22/10/2007 13:55

She is looking forward to it. She says it was totally unexpected but we don't believe her. Sorry but that's how we feel.

OP posts:

2shoescreepingthroughblood · 22/10/2007 13:55

I think it is none of your business. if you don't want to help them don't . if your sil wants to be a sahm well done her. I have had to put up with digs over the years from db about not"working" even though I am also a carer.
I think yabu

Lorayn · 22/10/2007 13:57

'we'????
you and .................

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