Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that DB and SIL should not have more children

221 replies

Fustratedsister · 22/10/2007 10:49

They have 4 children already, he is currently unemployed due to redundancy, she refuses to work, he is desperately trying to find a job that pays well and now she is pregnant again.

They have financial difficulties, my DM is bailing them out, I and my other DB have given them money to help pay bills. Why are they having more children for heaven's sake?

We know why She has got herself pregnant deliberately so that she won't have to go out to work. We have been pressing her, my DB has been encouraging and her family have also been putting pressure on her to find a part time job that would enable DB to take a lower paid job.

Her excuse is that the youngest needed her. The 3yo is now in nursery so she had no excuse so she goes off and gets herself pregnant again.

Next time I see my DB I'm going to tell him to get the snip or start using condoms because she obviously can't be trusted.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Lorayn · 22/10/2007 13:58

Of course she is looking forward to it, for all you know she may have thought her last child was going to be it, and been totally devastated by it, some of us arent willing to just stop having children because someone else thinks we should.

If both her and your brother arent working atm, are they claiming benefits?

belgo · 22/10/2007 13:59

so you don't like her because she's a SAHM who likes to talk about her family. You wouldn't like me then either.

meandmy · 22/10/2007 14:00

its up to them how many children and the reasons behind having more!
And if your are bothered by there financial situation suggest cab or your family stop giving them cash.
not trying to be rude but think you may be they getting the attention
the pg may have been an accident or planned before the job situ!

Original poster
Fustratedsister · 22/10/2007 14:00

I have nothing against SAHM if they do something productive with their time. Even my DB had to drag her out of the house in the evening to do a basic IT course. What is she going to do when the children grow up if she has not acquired any modern day skills like using MS Word?

OP posts:
MaryBleedinShelley · 22/10/2007 14:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stripeymama · 22/10/2007 14:03

She'll have the time to learn when the children are grown up!!
Don't see what being able to use MS Word has to do with the whole thing?

LilBloodRedWantsGore · 22/10/2007 14:04

I've only read the OP so sorry if repeating others.

I'm afraid you are being unreasonable. If you don't want to help them out financially, then don't. You need to Butt out - it's none of your business!

You obviously have issues with your SIL, but come on - hasn't your brother heard of contraception or absinance - it takes two people you know.

MaryBleedinShelley · 22/10/2007 14:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

juuule · 22/10/2007 14:04

Depends what you call productive.
If you are genuinely concerned about what she will do when the children grow up, then I would say don't worry too much. When the time comes for her to do other things then I'm sure she will be able to sort things out herself. At the moment it sounds as though everybody is pushing her down a path that she doesn't want to take.

stripeymama · 22/10/2007 14:05

"Modern day skills" are not as valuable as the job she is doing with her kids.

Sorry but I agree with the posts saying that you are a bit

NAB3 · 22/10/2007 14:05

NOYB and don't lend them any more money if it is done with bad grace.

LittleMissNervoustWitch · 22/10/2007 14:06

maybe she didnt want to do an IT course and maybe she thinks looking after her family IS being productive with her time!
Jeez you sound like the SIL from hell!

belgo · 22/10/2007 14:07

Giving them money without them asking for it, and feeling as you do about their lifestyle and decision making, is extremely patronising.

I wouldn't want to take your money in that situation.

claraenglish · 22/10/2007 14:08

Message withdrawn

Troutpout · 22/10/2007 14:09

Bringing up 4 kids is a pretty productive way of spending your time i reckon.
Sorry but yes yabu
Not unreasonable about the money though...stop bailing by all means,( you seem to begrudge it anyway tbh) and i imagine this is fueling the feelings you have about your sil

GrapefruitMoon · 22/10/2007 14:10

Are you related to Xenia??! Not everyone wants or has the wherewithall to have a career outside the home - you may not agree with how your SIL lives her life but it is unfair to expect her to have the same drivers as you - she is a different person... I think you just have to accept that you have little in common!

Having said that, I do sometimes come across people on here and in RL, who clearly are struggling to cope, either financially or otherwise, and secretly wonder why they then go on to have more children. But I try to see that they are different to me and whereas I would not countenance having another child if I was struggling, maybe they find children easier than me or don't mind always having no money....

krang · 22/10/2007 14:10

My mum has always been a SAHM, raised five of us, no particular friends outside the house, no 'career', and she is the best and cleverest woman I know, who taught herself how to play the piano and knows more about computers (which she taught herself after us kids started using them) than anyone I know. Any woman who is capable of taking on the huge challenge of raising four or more children will quite frankly find any basic computer programme a sodding doddle. Save your worries, I very much doubt this lady needs them.

lissiethevampireslayer · 22/10/2007 14:15

what is wrong with wanting to raise your children and not do some crappy IT course just because everyone else thinks you should.
just because you arent satisfied by your life why shouldnt she be?
being a mum is the hardest most rewarding job in the world, you dont get paid for it, you dont get sick pay or maternity leave or holidays, but whats wrong with loving it?

ffs you're the one with the problem, not her!

Lorayn · 22/10/2007 14:19

FWIW, one child isnt really that much of a cost on a family of four children anyway!
I am pregnant with my third atm, and will bf, no money there, have some clothes left from my last, no moeny needing spent there, 2yo is only in nappies at night now so the money I owuld have spent on his nappies can go on babies nappies, I'd expect your SIL would have much of the furniture needed too.
Exactly how expensive is thsi baby going to be??
If she needs money as much as you say but wants to stay at home with her new baby, maybe you should suggest childminding or something.
But I still think it is none of your business.

meandmy · 22/10/2007 14:20

By Fustratedsister on Mon 22-Oct-07 12:30:21
Nbg, I don't know what contraception they use because we do not discuss that kind of thing. I just put 2+2 together from things they have both said.

so you dont know the full story then,
and when 2 ppl have sex 2 ppl are responsible for the contraception

and i am a sahm because i didnt try for my baby for nearly two years for someone else to look after her (sorry all you working moms was just putting my point across)

LilBloodRedWantsGore · 22/10/2007 14:21

Having read through the thread I'm afraid I agree with the others that you are the one with issues.

Each person is different. My SIL loves her PT job and I love being a SAHM. I respect her for being able to juggle both things and she respects me for not going stir crazy at home.

How would you feel if your SIL started a thread along the lines of:

"My SIL is a workaholic and I'm worried her children are being damaged because of never seeing their Mummy. I'm also a bit peeved because she thinks that she has the right to interfer in our marriage because she helps us out financially on occassion".

ScottishMummy · 22/10/2007 14:23

Fustratedsister - blimey bit more twisted sister what a judgemental, nasty, ranty post.stop bellyaching

maybe a bit more humility, and respect for the fact she raises 4 children - which in everyone else book is working. it is not a dawdle doing that

and before u go off assuming i have one, and work full time. but do understand and respect that sahm is bloody hard work. i dont need to do it to know that

BabiesEverywhere · 22/10/2007 14:23

~She says it was totally unexpected~
Ahh, So she didn't get delibrately pregnant it was an unplanned pregnancy

~I have nothing against SAHM if they do something productive with their time~

Do you realise how condescending and judgmental that statement is ?

You have decided that as you don't value parenting as a life skill, only skills which lead to work in your opinion are worthwhile.

~is like the only thing that matters is her family and nothing else exists.~
Same here and proud of my attitude

~I work because focusing just on my family is not enough for me.~
That is fine, it is good that everyone is not the same.

Just out of interest, if your DH and family started to pressure you to be a SAHM for financial reasons, something you clearly would not be happy with. How would you feel ?

It must be hard when family try to put pressure on a family member to do something which that memeber thinks with all their heart is wrong for them. Think of this, next time you make a remark to your SIL in regards to getting a 'real job'

LittleMissNervoustWitch · 22/10/2007 14:23

lizzie your post reminded me of a quote:

'Being a full-time mother is the highest paid of jobs, since the payment is pure love'

irrelevent to the PO but very true!

RosaTransylvania · 22/10/2007 14:40

Haven't read all the replies but YABVVU. This is one of the most self-righteous and unpleasant posts I have read in a long time. You obviously don't like your SIL very much.
Would like to point out that your post is factually incorrect in at least one respect.
Your SIL did not get herself pregnant.
Your DB did that.
And you should butt right out.

Swipe left for the next trending thread