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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum says she wishes she never had children as 'life was better without them'

656 replies

toothfairy73 · 03/10/2020 17:31

I have just seen this headline in a Newspaper. A anonymous mum has written this letter stating the above.

apple.news/A7zR8oawtR6OFxqP2tijb6g

What are your thoughts? I'm sure we have all had moments where we miss our old lives. It sounds like it is written by someone deeply unhappy and in need of some support. AIBU to think this is someone who is desperate for a bit of time alone and some support?What do you think?

OP posts:
PerveenMistry · 03/10/2020 18:47

@ArranBound

I sometimes wonder why/if more women don't stop to think before having kids? I knew from my early 20s I wasn't prepared to give up my freedom & sleep to have kids and I stuck to it. I knew how hard it would be to bring up a family, even though I'd never been around babies. Do women still feel that societal pressure or expectation that they should have kids?
I never did.

Also know I simply lack what it takes to be a good parent to a disabled or high-needs child. Amazes me more prospective parents don't ponder and plan for that possibility, which is hardly remote. It makes for a grueling life, as some here have pointed out.

IdkickJilliansass · 03/10/2020 18:48

My life was great before kids and great afterwards so can’t agree but equally it could be the case for others so no flaming pitchforks here ☺️

Zaphodsotherhead · 03/10/2020 18:49

How many women start out having one or two children with a DH who helps and is very hands on, but who then bails out?

It wasn't having my children I regretted (they are adult now and among my best friends), it was having them with a man who pretended to want them and be keen on having a big family, only to behave like a spoiled brat because I didn't also mummy him.

I was then left to bring up five kids solo. And it wasn't the children that were so hard then (although they were!), it was being in such utter poverty.

arethereanyleftatall · 03/10/2020 18:50

Lol @IdkickJilliansass
That's perfect!

I8toys · 03/10/2020 18:51

I never wanted kids but then we just decided to try in our early 30's when we'd been together for 8 years. I adore my children and I think they've honestly made me a better person, less selfish and made me get out of my comfort zone for them. They are now teens and wonderful human beings. It was hard when they were small but never ever have I regretted having them and I don't think life was better but definitely different.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 03/10/2020 18:52

I doubt it’s uncommon, many don’t put any thought into the reality of life and finances when it comes to children. Having more than one and then complaining is weird though as it’s not like it’s unknown.

bookworm14 · 03/10/2020 18:52

I don’t regret my DD; she’s amazing. I stopped at one though. There is so much pressure to ‘give’ an existing child a sibling that I think some people have more kids than they actually want.

AintOverUntilTheCatLadySings · 03/10/2020 18:54

I don't wish that I never had children - I wish that I was rich enough to be able to enjoy them more. No work, nanny/babysitter, free time, decorated house, Botox, good hair and a gym membership!

Ohalrightthen · 03/10/2020 18:54

I feel like most women who regret having children are the ones who picked shitty men to have them with, tbh. Or parents of children with extra needs.

There may be some women with neurotypical, able children and partners who do absolutely their fair share who still regret having kids, but tbh likely not many.

PerveenMistry · 03/10/2020 18:54

[quote arethereanyleftatall]@Procrastination4
Sad yes for anyone who's already pregnant, though hopefully they're not reading it.
But actually, desperately desperately important to talk about more.
So so many people in their twenties believe that children are the be all and end all because there are no discussions like this around. We need more honesty, not less. [/quote]
Absolutely agree. Women need to be honest rather than sugar-coating to egg others into it.

CarolVordermansBum · 03/10/2020 18:55

@PerveenMistry in my case I got pregnant very young, it was unplanned, and i had no idea he would be useless until it was too late. Unfortunately sometimes you can think someone will be hands on and a great help, but when it comes down to it, they arent. My friend was Married for 5 years until they had a child, and it was only then he turned into a selfish arse. He was great before the baby came along. Like @IdkickJilliansass said, we don't have crystal balls do we.

BubblyBarbara · 03/10/2020 18:56

So so many people in their twenties believe that children are the be all and end all because there are no discussions like this around. We need more honesty, not less.

How would that help? Then fewer women would be having children and the population would go down with fewer people working to provide for us Inn or old age

waterlego · 03/10/2020 18:57

I feel as many of you do: that I don’t regret my children (they are wonderful and I adore them), but I wouldn’t necessarily make the same choice if I could go back and do it again.

I am not as maternal as I thought I would be, and the early years were a relentless, thankless slog. It is better now they are older.

I am a massive pessimist and am often depressed/anxious. I feel guilty for having children because the world I have brought them into is a horrorshow. I fear that their future is scary and harsh.

I also feel bad that they may have to think long and hard about whether to have any children themselves. The planet is fucked and every extra life we put on it has an impact.

Oh gosh, that was a bleak summary. I am a pessimist generally but not usually quite this bad. Period is due 😬😆

sapnupuas · 03/10/2020 18:58

I love him, and he's just started being fun again (after two years of toddlerhood hell) but I wish I hadn't had him. I do.

PerveenMistry · 03/10/2020 18:59

@IdkickJilliansass

Because they don’t have crystal fucking balls I imagine 😂😂
Come on. The signs a guy is selfish, lazy or a loser generally are there if one's eyes are open.
BreathlessCommotion · 03/10/2020 18:59

I married dh because he asked and I'd had an awful, emotionally damaging time with relationships and being told I wasn't marriage material. After lots of therapy I realise that now. So I also ignored any red flags or doubts. Then I was pregnant by accident and I continued with it as I thought it might be my only chance and I wanted children. I believed no one would ever love me, so I might as well stay. And then years of emotional abuse destroyed any remaining self esteem.

corythatwas · 03/10/2020 19:00

I wonder if the better your life is before you have kids (as in the most enriched, great career, hobbies you love, whatever), the more you resent having them.

Not sure that is true. Some people are lucky enough to keep their careers, or really good at getting their children involved in their hobbies. Also some children are simply more flexible and cooperative when it comes to joining in.

Plenty of riding and sailing families get their children involved from an early age, quite a few musical families play together. I have fond memories of my father teaching me to capsize a dinghy and getting it righted again, of my mother showing me the best fishing sites and teaching me how to gut fish, and of being dragged around archaeological sites by both parents. Also remember my mum and my brother playing duets for hours every evening after supper. When we were younger we used to have sing-songs.

Never felt resented, always (naively perhaps) believed we added to their fun.

My sister in law who is a very good cook had her eldest up on a stool cooking stir fries by the time he was 4.

luckyduckydooda · 03/10/2020 19:00

Same as another PP... I don't regret having kids- I live for them- what I regret is who I chose to be their father... But I wouldn't get them w/o him iyswim, soooo...
And of course life is easier and simpler wo kids- but not necessarily better.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 03/10/2020 19:01

You might get different answers depending on how old your children are. Mind are mid-late teens. I find them very interesting and fun to be around, although obviously quite often annoying in a teen type way. But they'll grow out of that.

I like going on holiday with them and doing activities together as a family. It's just enjoyable in a different way to going away with just DH (not that I can remember the last time we did that, it's been a few years).

The worst thing is the bloody WORRY over their welfare and futures. It's always there at the back of your mind. THinking, what kind of world have I brought them into. I'm sure they don't regret being born though, and they only know the world as it is so don't know any different.

blue25 · 03/10/2020 19:01

I know exactly how she feels and so do quite a few of my friends. Not
unusual in my experience.

ArabellaScott · 03/10/2020 19:01

I don't think I've actually wished I hadn't had them, but it's been fucking awful, sometimes, and I've definitely had times when I've hated motherhood. It's definitely got better and better as they've got older. It's the relentlessness of it, and the fact that you cant EVER get a break.

Duggeehugs82 · 03/10/2020 19:01

Someone asked what i would be doing if didnt have my girls. What i wouldnt be doing is watching her constantly as constantly eating everything and has no awareness of safely or anything. I wouldn't have to think about her sensory needs or she isnt eating or sleeping, i wouldnt have to consider anything i do , wether she will cope being there. Its relentless. She is nearly 4 but developmentally 12 months non verbal and has asd. Today is particularly bad day

VodselForDinner · 03/10/2020 19:01

@Atadaddicted

Absolute don’t regret

I’m curious. The mother’s that regret. What do you envisage you’d be doing?

I went to university, 3 years of professional Exams, good job, high pay, fantastic life in central London.

In my twenties.

The idea of living that life now... at 40? Well, I love fact I’ve just had dinner with my two and we’re about to settle down to watch Marley and Me on a Saturday night!

I chose not to have children. I’m nearly 40, highly educated, high paid city career etc.

Tonight, I’m watching tv with my husband and mother. Will also order a takeaway, and probably have a glass of wine.

Do you think that people without children aren’t allowed to slow down once they get a bit older and clubs are full of childfree 60 year olds who’d prefer to be at home with their feet up?

PerveenMistry · 03/10/2020 19:01

@BubblyBarbara

So so many people in their twenties believe that children are the be all and end all because there are no discussions like this around. We need more honesty, not less.

How would that help? Then fewer women would be having children and the population would go down with fewer people working to provide for us Inn or old age

That's a horrible, reprehensible reason to overpopulate this poor planet. There's no shortage of humans.
HermioneKipper · 03/10/2020 19:02

I love my children deeply but if I could go back and didn’t know my twin boys I would have just stuck at one child. I loved being a mum to my daughter and now she’s
A preschooler she’s a delight most of the time. So much fun and she brings us a lot of joy. So I’m hoping I will find it easier as the babies get older. At the moment it feels like an exhausting, relentless, miserable slog