Mum says she wishes she never had children as 'life was better without them'

[toothfairy73]

I have just seen this headline in a Newspaper. A anonymous mum has written this letter stating the above.

apple.news/A7zR8oawtR6OFxqP2tijb6g

What are your thoughts? I'm sure we have all had moments where we miss our old lives. It sounds like it is written by someone deeply unhappy and in need of some support. AIBU to think this is someone who is desperate for a bit of time alone and some support?What do you think?

There is so much self sacrifice for women with children, yet we don't often say it out loud.

Yes what is coming through loud and clear on this thread is that there is huge loss of identity involved in parenting for women in a way that is just not the same for men.

There is so much self sacrifice for women with children, yet we don't often say it out loud.

Yes what is coming through loud and clear on this thread is that there is huge loss of identity involved in parenting for women in a way that is just not the same for men.

It's potentially for 20 years. People tell you that you'll be freed up when kids go to school - you're not, there are school holidays to cover. If you have no support through family you're pretty much stuffed. There is less term time or part time employment around than ever before, ime, even before we get started on recession.

No other species on the planet requires this kind of input from females to raise the young.

@sunshinesheila

I feel like this. Think a lot of it is worse when your with a useless manchild. I used to truly hate being a mum. Love them to bits but my god it is a effort at times. So I left him, my life is unrecognizable. I now get free time to do my own thing, he has them regularly and I feel much better with a bit of breathing space to be me.

I wonder if I am odd. When they are with their dad it dosent cross my mind about missing them or anything.

I don't think you're odd at all. I don't have children (and don't regret that decision, I dodged a bullet!) but my husband has 4 and we had them every weekend for years and also holidays. Their mum didn't miss them at all (she was very upfront about it). She'd have happily never done a Christmas either.

@Atthecopacorona

I think it's really sad and I hope your children never find out how you really feel.

My mum didn't want children and had me because of societal pressure I guess, and then my sister so I wouldn't be lonely. This was OK whilst she was with my dad and wealthy enough to have a nanny. It all rather went to shit when I was 6 and they split... She was always straight about it, it was pretty obvious to me and sis though.

@Yespresh

I haven’t read the article but I feel the same. Our 21 year old daughter is verbally abusive to us. Started when she was 15, she tells us she was abused. She has had a typical middle class upbringing with two parents in a comfortable home. She treats us like dirt. She has moved away now but moves from drama to crisis.

Our 25 year old son still lives at home in total squalor. We went in his room to clean today as he was working. The mess is indescribable. It’s mostly takeaway food packets. He is usually gaming so urinates in bottles rather than using the toilet. I must have emptied 25 plastic bottles of urine today. It is unbearable but what is the alternative? He doesn’t care about himself. Has been on tabs and had counselling in the past.

I am currently having cancer treatment and start chemo next week after a huge operation to remove the tumour. My DH is wonderful but I dearly wish it was just the two of us. There I said it. I want to live by the ocean just him, me and the dog.

I hope you both find the strength to give your son his marching orders and set some boundaries with them both. Sell your house and buy something lovely by the sea. Good luck to you.

Coming back to this thread and wondering what would I say if someone asked. What should I say?

I reckon it's as if someone said "should I do a walking tour through Siberia?" How should I know?????

For one thing I don't know what might or might not happen on your walking tour- the weather might stay lovely and you might meet some great people or you might get eaten by wolves or die in a blizzard. I wouldn't want to take the responsibility for your being devoured by wolves during a raging blizzard when you could have had a much safer holiday on the Isle of Wight.

But more than that, I cannot possibly know if walking tours through Siberia are your sort of thing. To me, it sounds rather enticing, but there are people who prefer lying on sun loungers, and other people who'd be up for the walking but would want a hotter climate. Or to be too busy with other aspects of their lives to take the time out to wander round Siberia.

What I would never do, under any circumstances is judge someone because they do not go on walking holidays in Siberia. That would be plain weird.

I might slightly judge someone who went without thinking it through or without preparation, but I'm also prepared to accept that even with the best of training there can be unforeseen wolves or blizzards.

*I would love to know, how many of those who would go back, had been around young kids, enough to know what it might be like or whether it was a total shock to the system?? Toddlers are hardcore work, but they certainly do joy and love of life better than most grown ups!

I regret aspects of having dcs but it doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have them again, I’d just try to improve the circumstances around having them/raising them.

@corythatwas - that's such a good analogy

My mum said that to me. I was about 20 at the time.

I think what she meant was she was disappointed that we all ( 5 of us) had careers and left home, rather than lived nearby and popped round every day to look after her. She was quite old fashioned.

I'm the opposite. I had ds at 45. I had lots of fun and travelled a lot beforehand. Had a career, bought my house. I love every moment with him now and can't wait to see him grow up and how he turns out.

@Mintjulia I really get what you're saying. I did a lot of things before marrying my DH and then adopting our DDs seven years later. Infertility was hard to cope with, but it did give me a chance to do things I wouldn't have been able to do if we'd been successful at conceiving a child in the years beforehand.

Being an older parent has its disadvantages in terms of energy levels, but it does mean that there's been time to experience different things before settling down.

Conversely, having them later can also be a big shock as it's so restrictive and hard work. You know what you are missing.

I had a child as a result of a cascade of horrible things that happened to me. Having a child isn't always a "choice" - "choice" is a tricky thing because it implies that you understand what you are doing, and why, and you can foresee the consequences. Most folk don't.

My family didn't want me, and I was groomed and abused in childhood, which led to a pregnancy in my early teens, which I was forced to abort in extremely traumatic circumstances.

So I spent the next 10 years with empty arms, suffering with PTSD, aching and crying for that baby. I was young, and I didn't understand that another baby wasn't a solution. Society told me that "good girls" were happy, and "good girls" were mothers, had families who loved them, etc. A girl who had been knocked up through rape and then allowed her baby to be killed was not a candidate for relief from suffering, in my mind.

And so I got my baby in my 20s, with a terrible manchild, of course. I tried to make the family that I thought would take my pain away. Selfish, yes. But I did the best I could based on what I knew at the time.

My DS is literally the best child I have ever met. I wouldn't say my life was better without him. But I will say I regret having him because I love him, and wish I hadn't brought him into this messy, selfish, cruel world. I wish I had understood what I was doing and what the consequences would be.

@formerbabe I agree with you that it's the oblivious ones who are made for parenting. I think far too much, and I don't mean that positively. The happiest parents are the ones who don't worry themselves too much with analyzing it all. See above!

The early years are relentless and exhausting and it feels like it will never end but it does. My 3 are the best thing that ever happened to me and I'm so proud to be their Mum.

@WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC

One could argue that's it's really not "normal" to love being a mother. Considering the barbarity of the birth process, the pain, suffering, sacrifice, sleep deprivation, episiotomies, stitches, ripped, torn and stretched bodies, listening to screaming, crying, tantrums, loss of identity, loss of autonomy, loss of financial independence, loss of time for hobbies, interests, friends, societal pressure to be an "earth mother", impact on your relationship etc etc. obviously it won't be this way for every woman but for many that's the reality.
Instead of the lovey dovey aspects of motherhood we're bombarded with (by advertising etc.) imagine we were fed the above notions and were told we had to do all the above while pretending to be happy about it and to never, ever show otherwise least we be ostracized as social pariahs? It would take a special kind of masochist to willingly sign up to that shit! There's an awful lot of truth in this and women need to make the decision whether that's what they want without pressure from family or from the men in their lives. Because those people aren't the ones who are going to be left holding the baby.

@Downton57 Well said. And children are ungrateful and society is in the habit of judging and 'blaming to boot.

@Browncoat1 Sounds like my family. My father in-law said the other day that he doesn’t agree with “lonely children” and that “it’s wrong” but of course that’s coming from a mans perspective and someone who doesn’t have to stop at home raising the children. My MIL said it was hard having two children but she too agreed that we “need” to have another. I told them, I would NOT be having another and that’s that, but I just get fobbed off with “oh you will” it’s frustrating and I don’t understand why people can’t just listen to me. I know how I’m coping now, I know that any more children would have a massive impact on my mental health and I wouldn’t be able to cope - it’s a simple as that. I don’t understand why it’s not seen as “normal” to have one child or to not have any for that matter. It’s your decision and just because they had more than one child doesn’t mean anyone else has too. Wish my DH understood like yours. He’ll get the gist eventually when in 10+ years time we still only have the one. But yes totally agree that it’s not a good enough reason to have another if you’re only wanting it for company!

@holliem91 what would we know about what we want to do with our own life? We're mere women 🤣🤣

Sometimes it is a bit shit - especially when they're toddlers or teenagers but, all in all, I don't regret it. I will miss them when they've left home. The author probably has very young children

But I don’t understand why people who feel this way always seem to have more than one child. The article says this woman thought it would change things? Really? What did she imagine it would change? That sounds snotty but it’s honestly a genuine question

A friend said to me that she felt terrible for her son having her as a mother as she felt she was so bad at it, she thought the least she could do was to give him a sibling so he didn't have to suffer her alone.

Oh FFS, caught by a Zombie who is also a bloody fisher!

And you should know better than to recruit study particpants in such a way, have you not done your ethics approval properly?

I feel this way too. Obviously I love my DC beyond imagination. But there is so much about being a parent that is dreadful. It's a constant battle. Outside influences. Existential worry and fear. The daily grind. (And my DC were great babies, sleeping etc not a problem.) I saw mentioned on here a while ago that the irony of being a parent is that you have to become one in order to realise how hard it is and that it may not be for you. Obviously we all know that parenting is going to be tough, but I wish I had known more about how really, intensely hard it is - but perhaps that is something that no one can every really convey to anyone else, you have to experience it yourself.

Oh a zombie thread..............