Mum says she wishes she never had children as 'life was better without them'

[toothfairy73]

I have just seen this headline in a Newspaper. A anonymous mum has written this letter stating the above.

apple.news/A7zR8oawtR6OFxqP2tijb6g

What are your thoughts? I'm sure we have all had moments where we miss our old lives. It sounds like it is written by someone deeply unhappy and in need of some support. AIBU to think this is someone who is desperate for a bit of time alone and some support?What do you think?

I love my three, and I absolutely had them with the right man. I feel so drained by then though. DS1 has ADHD and other health issues, DS2 is on the list for ASD assessment and DD fights to be heard over the other two. They fight constantly and our home is not happy at the moment.
However, I was one of three, DH was one of four and neither of us ever considered not having children. Maybe we should have done!

The comments are interesting- "Maybe if more people were honest and transparent about their true feelings of parenthood then there would not be so many people having kids just for the sake of it, because that's just what you are supposed do. People feel pressured by society into parenthood and it is often feels like the right and expected path that we should automatically take. Social media portrays parenthood as such a fluffy world to live in. Why wouldn't anybody be tipped over the edge to take the leap if they were unsure? Maybe if people could discuss it honestly and freely (flaws and all) without being judged then people would think more carefully about the commitment before taking the leap. If you are a duck to water parent then good for you but dont judge those who aren't."

I also think having (with the age gap I have) essentially two only children has been a big part of why I've found it ok, so yy to those who say sticking to one or two can be a better option for some. I sometimes feel broody for another, but I know it would tip the overall balance in the long term and that would probably be where I'd struggle to cope

@garlictwist

I am childfree by choice and I totally disagree that there is societal pressure - I haven't felt any (I am 39 if that makes a difference). No one has pressured me or queried my choices and I don't feel that not having children is that outlandish or weird.

I'm glad you haven't. I'm 37 and it didn't occur to me until a few years ago that children were a choice as I felt it was just what you did. I get asked a lot about why i don't want any, and sad faces. Infuriating.

It's so complicated life isn't it. I love my kids. I am so glad I had them. I wanted them and I get so much joy out of them. But I can relate to feeling loss over other areas.

I think it depends on the support we have. I know many people with kids, my age who still go out. They go on nights out. They go out with their partners for meals, shows, weekends away etc. They go to the cinema. They work part time. They do all this because they have parents who are prepared to babysit and help them out. I thought we would get abit of occasional babysitting. I'm talking 3-4 times a year. We have two sets of parents. We both have sisters. But it turned out nobody wanted to help. So we have lost our realtionship massively. It's so easy to say cook a meal at home. Do this and that. But our kids interrupt. Or we are exhausted by the time bedtime comes. Or one of the kids will have a rough night. It's hard. Because we don't get those times at the cinema to giggle and eat popcorn we don't feel the closeness we had before the kids.

I don't regret them at all. But I am having to acknowledge the loneliness myself at the moment. I have a couple of friends. But they are also in the same boat. It's definitely tough.

It's extremely hard to get the balance and I think we all get selfish occasionally and think of what we want and need. We are only human.

She feels how she feels I guess. She loves her boys.

Up to the age of about 4, yes I often felt a deep regret.

Age 4 onwards, it's been pretty great actually. No regrets at all. However, I won't be having any more as that would affect my life in a way that would probably plunge me back into regret and I don't need any of that crap any more.

One child is manageable and still enables me to have a life away from constant child rearing.

I find that woman's feelings on motherhood far more understandable than your view that she's "in need of some support". What sort of support? What if she neither needs nor wants "support"?

To me, that depends on whether she is able to conceal her feelings well enough not to damage her children. MN has got quite a few parents who openly express on an anonymous forum that they wish they hadn't had children and I think that is fine.

But MN also has a number of posters who talk openly about how damaged they have been by knowing that their parents find them a burden and wish they weren't there. And that is not fine.

And that, I think, is the point where you actually have a duty of seeking support, or whatever else needs to be done: if you are in danger of emotionally damaging another human being, one moreover for whom you are responsible.

If not, then being able to vent is clearly a good thing.

My nan used to say this all the time , to all of us ! She had twins in 1947 in rural italy with no washing machine , tumble dryer or fridge so in her case I see her point.
However jokes aside I strongly felt like this for the first year of ds life and looking back I can see it was actually the product of pnd and a mentally abusive partner . It wasn't a happy time for me but all those things are in the past now inc the ex partner and I could never regret ds , even though he has severely ruined my career I would never have it any other way !

@WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo

I always say if people had kids in reverse (( starting with teens )) ala Benjamin Button no one would have them because a lot of it is shit.

Let's face it having kids is a selfish choice,the fact they're cute and good fun at times is a major factor. But the reality is very different and not always what we signed up for

Having teens is great, people with opinions and views and passionate about sharing them. I love it.

For those who regret, do you think your age when you had them was a factor?

My mum always says if she has her time again she wouldn’t have had me (not insulted she’s explained various reasons) and says she was so young she felt like she never had a life without ys.

I definitely don’t regret mine but i was a bit aimless prior - for example, I never wanted to learn to drive even though I knew it would be helpful so I put it off each year. I learnt to drive when pregnant as I had a view that if my child wanted to go to brownies and it was fairly far away, I’d like to do it. From then I got a different better paid job i couldn’t have applied for Etc. I can’t forget that whilst I miss my old life she has helped me a lot.

It does help it’s just the two of us though, we are terribly lazy in the morning and play iPad etc for quite a while until we get up - i love no one is there to judge or make us do things differently.

@Worstyear2020

Not all children are joy. Admitting life is better without them doesn't mean you are going to abandon / neglect or stop loving them.

That was me, I was a horrible horrible child.

@garlictwist
I think your experience is unusual. My sister loved turning 40 as people finally finally stopped asking her when she was going to get a boyfriend or have children, or looking at her as if her whole life must be soooo soo sad as she hadn't managed to have a husband or kids. When in fact, without a shadow of a doubt, she is the happiest person I know (and one of the only childless).

I think a lot of women have children because it's the done thing, you grow up, you get married, you have kids. Not a lot of thought goes into it with everyone, it's just somehow expected.
I'm not surprised to find out that a lot of women regret it, children are a full-time job and a restrictive one at that.

I'm over 50, never had kids and am very happy to not have them. Very thankful.

It just seems a dreary, costly grind. There are plenty of humans on earth as it is.

I don't think it's unusual. You never know what you're going to get, maybe an easy going child, or a challenging one. The second type can break a mother.

I find mine even better as they’ve got older, babies are cute but children/teens have personalities, opinions etc.

@CarolVordermansBum

I often wish I could just get up and go out, have a lie in, stay in bed if I'm ill, have a night out, enjoy a meal in peace, etc etc.

But my issue is that I regret having children with a partner who wasn't willing to help me out. I wish I'd had children with someone who was willing to help with night feeds, school runs, cooking, cleaning, someone to watch them while I take the dog out or go to the dentist. I don't actually regret having kids, I love them more than anything, and they do bring me so much joy and happiness. Its just tough going sometimes.

I am perpetually puzzled as to why women select so many horrible parenting partners.

Because they don’t have crystal fucking balls I imagine 😂😂

I tried to conceive for a long time when married for and it didn’t happen. It was so painful. I definitely romanticised what family life would be like and It all just felt so sad. We ended up divorced after about ten years of marriage, when I was 37.

I’m now 40 with no children. There are so many aspects to my life that I enjoy and appreciate immensely that just wouldn’t be possible if I’d have had children. I have the freedom, time and flexibility to try to be the best person I can be. I mean this in terms of things I do for my own health, well being and sense of fulfilment and peace, but also in terms of how I can be of some benefit to those around me. Freedom, time and flexibility give you more opportunities to be the best friend/ neighbour/ daughter/ member of your community/ contributor to causes you believe in etc etc.

My point is, I didn’t foresee or consider any of this when I so desperately wanted to conceive and if I had, I may have been much more philosophical about it. I think (and/ or hope!) younger women will be more aware of all the choices life has to offer and will do what feels right to them, rather than what may be a societal norm or pressure.

Blame the parents of the shite partners and the shite partners themselves not the people that chose them not knowing they’d be shite ffs

I also think it is heavily influenced by everyone's circumstances. I had mine later in life, after a heartbreaking fertility journey with many losses, with a supporting loving partner I have been together for more than half of my life.
Even if I wasn't at all sure I even wanted children until after I was 30, now well in my 40s I am so happy with my choice. I don't regret it, in fact it makes me a more balanced person.
But I understand that having a baby at 40+ meant for me that I have done a lot of things already: travelled a lot, partied, build strong relationships, completed my education, built a good career, bought a house, reached financial stability and much more. I don't regret or particularly suffer the sleepless nights, the tantrums, the limitations of the everyday life with a young toddler (even if I work full time in a demanding job, with no family around).

I love my dc but if I knew what I knew now I’d maybe reconsider having them. Two dc have autism and one will always need assistance and the other will live with us forever as they won’t be able to move into supported living. It’s tiring. And I do the lion share. Life is hard and boring more often than not.

I'll probably get flamed for daring to suggest this but I'm just musing....I wonder if the better your life is before you have kids (as in the most enriched, great career, hobbies you love, whatever), the more you resent having them. And, therefore, the reverse.