Mum says she wishes she never had children as 'life was better without them'

[toothfairy73]

I have just seen this headline in a Newspaper. A anonymous mum has written this letter stating the above.

apple.news/A7zR8oawtR6OFxqP2tijb6g

What are your thoughts? I'm sure we have all had moments where we miss our old lives. It sounds like it is written by someone deeply unhappy and in need of some support. AIBU to think this is someone who is desperate for a bit of time alone and some support?What do you think?

I read it as it is - someone who regrets having children. I hate that when someone (and I'm not saying 'a mum' as I'm sure there's plenty of fathers who feel the same) dares to express it, they are immediately diagnosed with either PND, being overwhelmed or needing a night off or more help. Maybe they just don't like being parents? Neither of my parents did, and my mother in particular used to say most of what was in that article to our faces.

My late MIL was married for 5 years before having my exH. She was 32 when she did, she openly admitted she was persuaded into it by her husband because he wanted a son....she wouldn't have cared if she'd hadn't had children at all. She was a very good mother, but my exH is an only child - actually having him confirmed to her that she wasn't naturally maternal. She had enough self awareness to know having a second child wouldn't change a thing.

*I’m curious. The mother’s that regret. What do you envisage you’d be doing?

I went to university, 3 years of professional Exams, good job, high pay, fantastic life in central London.

In my twenties.*

And that obviously suited you at that time in your life. However some women still enjoy travelling, exploring their own hobbies, changing careers etc, completely unburdened at any age. Personally I can't imagine my me years just being in my twenties and that that's me done.

Different strokes for different folks.

Neither of my children want to have their own. DD is only 7 though so that may change but I do tell her that getting married and having children are not compulsory and do far she finds neither option attractive.

I often wonder what my life would be like if I hadn’t had children so more money, travel, able to go out more etc but actually I think for me this alternative life would be sad. I never would have been able to choose not to have them, I felt a huge drive to have my children, my DD took 5 years to conceive and I don’t think I’d be the same person without her. She’s bloody hard work but the light of my life.

I find that woman's feelings on motherhood far more understandable than your view that she's "in need of some support". What sort of support? What if she neither needs nor wants "support"?

I feel like this. Think a lot of it is worse when your with a useless manchild. I used to truly hate being a mum. Love them to bits but my god it is a effort at times.
So I left him, my life is unrecognizable. I now get free time to do my own thing, he has them regularly and I feel much better with a bit of breathing space to be me.

I wonder if I am odd. When they are with their dad it dosent cross my mind about missing them or anything.

This must be a very sad thread for people who are contemplating pregnancy or pregnant with their first child. To offer another view point- we had our two boys when we were in our mid to late twenties. Yes life changed but not for the worse, just different. I can remember the joy of seeing things through their eyes- first time they saw snow; first time on a ship or plane; the fun we had on holidays and days out together; cosy times like reading bedtime stories every night or sitting by the fire watching a film or tv programme together. Of course there were the mundane aspects too-making nourishing dinners every evening (I was working outside the home); school lunches to be prepared every night; school uniforms to be washed and ironed every week. But that’s just life, isn’t it. As teenagers I enjoyed the new more adult relationship with them, and now that they are adults, I wonder where did the years go! I’ve plenty of time to myself now, and we can come and go as we please (within reason- I’m still working!).
I suppose if I calculate what we spent on our boys down through the years I’d probably be wondering what we could have been doing with all that money, but I don’t regret one thing about having them.

I think people feel like this more and more now because there is so much competitive parenting. Social media, this idea that children have to be constantly entertained and taught. I also (working with children) notice more and more that children are allowed to get away with shitty behaviour and their parents seem to think there is nothing they can do but put on the gentle nice voice and ask them to "please not do that". Everyone is expected to keep their temper all the time and be the best parent in the world. It's draining.

@Atadaddicted

Absolute don’t regret

I’m curious. The mother’s that regret. What do you envisage you’d be doing?

I went to university, 3 years of professional Exams, good job, high pay, fantastic life in central London.

In my twenties.

The idea of living that life now... at 40? Well, I love fact I’ve just had dinner with my two and we’re about to settle down to watch Marley and Me on a Saturday night!

Focusing on my job, which I love and gives me genuine satisfaction, but often has to take a back seat due to dc's needs.

Travelling, or even just going on holiday would be nice. Lack of money in the early years and now an ASD cold who can't manage more than 3 days away from home.

Going out for walks in the countryside or bike rides,climbing mountains. ASD child won't/can't walk so we can't go.

Going for nice coffee in cafes, long lunches and meals in nice restaurants.

"Absolute don’t regret

I’m curious. The mother’s that regret. What do you envisage you’d be doing?

I went to university, 3 years of professional Exams, good job, high pay, fantastic life in central London.

In my twenties.

The idea of living that life now... at 40? Well, I love fact I’ve just had dinner with my two and we’re about to settle down to watch Marley and Me on a Saturday night!"

Why do they have to be "doing" anything? Why is it that women who don't have children have to justify it by having a high flying career, or devoting themselves to charity, or climbing Mt Everest, or some other "worthy" pursuit?

There was a thread a couple of days ago (still running tonight) about where people realise the ‘risk’ of having children or do they know the pitfalls etc.... it was an interesting read.

Not read the linked article but I’d say there’s a good reason most people don’t go on to have 4,5,6,7 etc.

Having children is all consuming and whilst it’s the best thing in the world on so many levels, it’s hard going emotionally and physically.

I also think having a good support network would be the difference between how hard you found motherhood.

I never wanted children.

Then I decided I wanted one.

Just one. Stuck to one. Don't want more than one. One is enough.

I look at other parents with more than one and don't envy them and see many of them struggling.

Tbh, I've found having DS better than I expected and I am really glad I changed my mind and had him. I think its actually opened doors - different doors in my life. I think its definitely added something to our lives rather than taken away.

We tend to do everything with DS (including things I don't think every parent would). Only having one makes it possible to do that (stuff like holidays etc).

So I do wonder if its having a child or having multiple children that ultimately is the problem. (Afterall theres a lot of women who had a second so the first can't have been that awful).

It's not unheard of. My mam never wanted children and aborted each pregnancy after me.

I think it's really sad and I hope your children never find out how you really feel.

If I had my life again, I would have dogs rather than children. Dogs don't talk back, are loyal and appreciative.

In fact, that was the original plan if we couldn't conceive.

I gave up my IT career for my kids and now I have no career, no financial independence and no husband. I do have a dog though

@Procrastination4
Sad yes for anyone who's already pregnant, though hopefully they're not reading it.
But actually, desperately desperately important to talk about more.
So so many people in their twenties believe that children are the be all and end all because there are no discussions like this around. We need more honesty, not less.

I absolutely adore my son, and love spending time with him. But at the same time, I can see where she is coming from. Children are absolutely relentless and a massive strain on all your resources (mental, emotional, financial and time)

I always say if people had kids in reverse (( starting with teens )) ala Benjamin Button no one would have them because a lot of it is shit.

Let's face it having kids is a selfish choice,the fact they're cute and good fun at times is a major factor. But the reality is very different and not always what we signed up for

I have two wonderful children who I love very much.
They are both NT and have no health problems.
I have an amazing husband who is an amazing father and all the grandparents are heavily involved and supportive. My husband has got a good job and I still get to work part time in a job that I love alongside doing a foundation degree in a topic I love.

The children cause the usual stresses but in general we all have a very nice, comfortable life as a family.

However, I still wouldn’t have children if I could go back in time.

Me and my husband often like to fantasise about how our life would be if we didn’t have children.....and it’s a nice thought.

@Atthecopacorona

I think it's really sad and I hope your children never find out how you really feel.

I would never tell them. And it isn't about them personally. I really wanted children, how was I supposed to know how I would feel afterwards.

I've been a parent most of my adult life and I've never regretted it. However. Having a child with an utter twat is 100% worse than being a single mum and 1000% times worse than having a child with a partner who actually pulls their weight. Having my first child (with the twat) meant giving up my entire life because all the work fell to me. As a single mum with an older child, I started to gain back what I'd lost. Now, married to a wonderful man who is just as capable as I am, the arrival of our child together created barely a ripple, because it isn't all down to me. Don't get me wrong, of course we still have to put things like big holidays on pause for a few years and can't do whatever we want when we want , but I still see friends regularly, I still work, wear nice clothes, study for fun, read books and enjoy my hobbies, just with slightly more negotiation and checking of the calendar. Even when DD2 doesn't sleep and we're both knackered and grumpy, I know it's not forever, as my eldest is a teen and it seems like five minutes ago that she was a toddler.

Basically, apart from children with unusual or complex needs, I reckon many of these women wouldn't regret having children if their partners pulled their weight. Having kids with someone who doesn't do their equal share is absolutely brutal and a million miles away from having a child with a man who treats the mother of his children like a multi faceted human and not a womb with a mop attachment

I’d definitely be a parent given the choice again but this time I’d be a dad 😂

I think a lot of women are fed a romanticised and pure fantasy view of having children. Tv shows don't help where a woman gives birth and then the kid just shows up looking cute occasionally.
There's also a pressure on women from certain quarters, often family, to settle down, get married, have a baby.
Having been forced to babysit various children when I was a young girl (I was never interested in this), I had a big clue that being a parent was a huge responsibility.
Upon approaching 30 me and dh decided we had had a lot of fun and freedom and we were ready for the next stage to have kids. It was still a massive life change for us. We were used to late nights in the pub, going out all the time together and meeting friends, etc.
That all just stopped overnight. However, most of our friends also had kids at the same ages so actually life would have changed anyway.
I don't regret it, but I went in with eyes wide open.

@AliasGrape

I have a newborn and am probably not qualified to comment as I’ve been a parent for about 5 minutes (for what it’s worth it’s tough and knackering at times but also amazing so no regrets here so far).

But I don’t understand why people who feel this way always seem to have more than one child. The article says this woman thought it would change things? Really? What did she imagine it would change? That sounds snotty but it’s honestly a genuine question. I have a dog, if it turned out after I’d had him a while that I hated having a dog I wouldn’t go and get another. I get that accidents happen but often the second child is planned.

I often think this. Many of the people who express regret have two or three children, and I'm never sure why they had more after the first one. I'm curious rather than judging - I totally understand why people (women especially) might regret having children.

Not all children are joy. Admitting life is better without them doesn't mean you are going to abandon / neglect or stop loving them.

I am childfree by choice and I totally disagree that there is societal pressure - I haven't felt any (I am 39 if that makes a difference). No one has pressured me or queried my choices and I don't feel that not having children is that outlandish or weird.