Mum says she wishes she never had children as 'life was better without them'

[toothfairy73]

I have just seen this headline in a Newspaper. A anonymous mum has written this letter stating the above.

apple.news/A7zR8oawtR6OFxqP2tijb6g

What are your thoughts? I'm sure we have all had moments where we miss our old lives. It sounds like it is written by someone deeply unhappy and in need of some support. AIBU to think this is someone who is desperate for a bit of time alone and some support?What do you think?

No, I don't think you need to be desperately happy to regret having children.
I think a lot of women (and men) feel like this.

@LiveFromHome

I think I probably went through feeling like this when my son was younger.

Now I'm going through it with my dog.

For Pete’s sake, don’t get a second dog

Being a single mum of one all my young life was infinitely harder than (now) being a mum of 3 small ones with the help of a great father... it all depends on the situation... i felt like i missed a life due to my first... but now im an older mum theres nothing else id rather be doing

meant desperately unhappy of course

@bookworm14 yes! This is me! I only wanted one, was perfectly happy with my eldest but my DH is an only child and hates it so we tried for another and ended up with twins, one of whom has additional needs. I love them more than anything but 3 really is too many! I would have less if I was given my time again.

I don’t regret having my dcs. They are amazing people, they make me laugh. They are good company.
They are also teenagers and don’t need the input they needed when they were little.

However, I wish I had been told that having children means my career would just disappear. I wish I had been told I was going to be back to the 1950s where ‘mum’ is THE organiser/dealing with all the mental load.
I wish I had been told this idea of ‘having it all’ only works if you have support (Be it a supportive partner, grand parents, money buying that support)
I wish I had been told the hardest part might not be the dcs bit how deeply misogynist our country is. And that would include work and the father.
I wish I had been told to stay true to myself rather than trying to fit into that ‘ideal mum’ image.

It’s not having children that I regret but the whole environment/culture around being a mum.

DC1 accidental miracle.

1st grandchild both sides of the family. Huge amount of pressure on his shoulders.

Wonderful DH didn't want just 1. So we waited until we were ready to cope with another child. Took a while to conceive.

Regret. Compounded by SIL declaring that actually, she'd changed her lifelong, adamance that she didn't want kids and was pregnant. So DC1 wouldn't have been the only grandchild on the side of family he spends most time with.

We are gutted. DC2 is incredibly intense, demanding, possible sen. I adore DC2 - fun, loving, adorable. If I could go back I'd stick with DC1.

Omg I have never for a moment regretted either of mine. Life was great in my 20s, yes, but it's just as good, if not better, now with DS3 & DD1. Its different but we are happy with that. Perhaps it helped that siblings had already done kids so we had some idea what to expect.

Personality probably comes into it. I was never that fussed about partying or clubbing, I'm not very spontaneous and my life was quite predictable/routine anyway. My career has been unaffected and I'm happy with it..so maybe I just didnt have that much I was giving up.

@gamerchick

I wish I'd never had kids. I don't regret them as they're amazing but I would choose not to if I knew then what I knew now.

Nobody likes to admit it, seeing the slaughtering this letter got on VT page on facebook I'm not surprised people keep it to themselves. Taboo this topic.

I feel the same. Mine were not in any way an accident either

I’m really shocked at how many people regret having kids. Being a mum is the best thing that’s ever happened to me - I won’t pretend it’s not hard sometimes but if anything I wish I could have more (I have 2 under 5s). I wouldn’t say I had a bad life before - I definitely thought it was good. But looking back it was just lots of going out, partying, spending too much money on clothes, drink, dinners etc and I really don’t miss it. I still do these things but not as often and it’s enough for me.

Im lucky to have a partner who pulls his weight and family that offer to help when we need it. I have a few friends that seem to hate parenthood and their partners don’t help out at all so I imagine this make a huge difference to the experience.

@PerveenMistry I respectfully disagree, plenty of people change massively when kids come along.

@arethereanyleftatall

I'll probably get flamed for daring to suggest this but I'm just musing....I wonder if the better your life is before you have kids (as in the most enriched, great career, hobbies you love, whatever), the more you resent having them. And, therefore, the reverse.

@arethereanyleftatall I wouldn't say that at all. Therr are plenty of people who had crap lives and tried to fill a void with a baby/ or accidentally got pregnant, and that has seemed to make things worse.

The thing that annoys me is how invested we seem to be in other people's choices. If you want kids, great. If you don't want kids, great. But women get enough stick in society without it coming from other women too. I see women who say they love being a parent being accused of lying to themselves 🙄. As if everyone's situation isn't individual. Then there's those insisting women who don't want kids will regret it later in their life. As if they know that person's mind better themselves. Even if both scenarios are correct, why don't people mind their own business and get on with their own lives?

I think you have to ask yourself what you actually "gave" up to have kids? A social life naturally tails off as you get older, holidays change from the boozy 18-30 to more "grown up ones" so what is it that you miss? The money? The lie ins? The lack of demands on your time and attention? If that's "all" I'd say you haven't got much to regret really

I had mine with the wrong men its messed up their lives the problem is if I had realised how bad my partner was after I had my second child (our first) and left with the baby my eldest would never have been effected but I would never have had my third

The guilt I carry is immense

So actually my oldest dc is missing out on life experiences because of my choices too.

That’s a huge amount of guilt for us too. My older child is missing out on so much and I rarely have time to just be with her now, and it’s not even always time physically but just mentally.

I think the main thread throughout the comments here is the lack of support. It’s not so much the yearning for life before kids, it’s having them with the wrong partner. Let’s face it no-one thinks the love of your life wouldn’t be a great father figure before they have kids, they had rose tinted specs on, it’s only after they realise all the boyish charm was actually just that ‘boyish’ I was that person and I’m on my own. I wouldn’t change my children for the world as I wanted them then and still (albeit for the morning chants/ shouts of get your shoes on!!) want them now.

I don't feel like this, but I do understand how people can. I wasn't maternal at all when I was younger, I'm impatient and used to pleasing myself and doing my own thing as DH is often away with work, and I was very worried about whether I would feel maternal or enjoy/be good at being a Mum when I was pregnant. Happily for me, I adore my DS, and I love being a Mum, wouldn't change it for the world. It's hard, but I don't yearn for my previous life at all, much as it was great fun at the time, and I do recognise I'm very lucky in that. By the same token, I can see how it would very easily go the other way and someone who thought they'd be very maternal find that it's not a way of life they enjoy as much as they thought they might.

I think my Mum probably wished for her old life back at times. I was an exceptionally difficult child and teenager (I honestly look back and shudder, I cannot imagine how she coped with me) and my Dad was away a lot so she parented solo most of the time. Now I'm an adult we have a fabulous, close relationship, and she is a wonderful Grandma to my DS, but I think she found having to parent me when I was younger very difficult and, whilst I've never for a second doubted her love, I think when I was a difficult child/teenager she probably would have wished for her old life back, and I can understand why. DH and I would like another baby and I'm very frightened that my temper, which I'm in control of as an adult but definitely wasn't as a kid, will come to the fore in the next baby. DS is comparatively very easy, and my DH is extremely hands-on when home, and I think that makes it easy to enjoy being a Mum. I can see how easy it would be not to feel like that if your partner wasn't hands-on or you had a more demanding child.

@ivfbeenbusy have you read any of the posts? We can't go on holiday, because we have an ASD child that doesn't cope away from home. At 8 she's only recently started sleeping through the night. We can't go on countryside walks, days out, meals out. I love cycling but can only manage once a week for an hour or so.

I am a shell of the person I was.

I think it’s interesting that you’re dismissive of her feelings, @toothfairy73

You sound kind, about the support.

But I think the whole point of the letter is that isn’t momentary, she doesn’t need support or a break - she fundamentally would rather have her old life.

“A break” is actually pretty easy for most people to organise if they need it.

But the things she’s talking about - like social life revolving around including kids and talking about kids - a break doesn’t change that.

You just illustrate her point that you can’t talk about this stuff.

I don't regret them one bit, hard work until they were 4 though.have a high earning DH who has very little to do with everyday family life BUT I have the funds to sub contract loads of shit jobs like housekeeping. I also have paid £££££ over the years in babysitting so I could still have a social life etc. I'm not sure I'd feel the same if we didn't have money.

This is why I think people (both women and men) should really think hard about having children. It was never on my agenda and I don't regret not having them at all. But I was also lucky to have no family pressure, and to find a partner who felt exactly the same. Neither of us have ever wavered in our views, and we have had some shit to deal with, made easier by only having ourselves to worry about.

I find this thread really sad. I'm with you grandmaschickensalad. Being a mum is the best thing that's happened to me too. Not because I had a shit life or something, I didnt! Uni was good, I got a great job, spent my 20s enjoying travel and restaurants and friends etc. It was all tailing off into our 30s anyway.

@BreathlessCommotion

Most of the posts don't reference SEN children. This thread is about having "children" in general 🤷‍♀️

I don't think it's that easy to tell if the guy is going to be a useless parent, leaving you to do it all.
It wasn't in my case. Exdh and I enjoyed our blissful 20s very much. High disposable income, we enjoyed travel, and nice food, had cleaners. Basically no problems.
So, when we had dc and suddenly stress and hard work entered our lives; I'd had no clue up till that point that he wouldn't pull his weight. He'd never needed to before.