Mum says she wishes she never had children as 'life was better without them'

toothfairy73 · 2020-10-03T16:31:12+00:00

I have just seen this headline in a Newspaper. A anonymous mum has written this letter stating the above. https://apple.news/A7zR8oawtR6OFxqP2tijb6g What are your thoughts? I'm sure we have all had moments where we miss our old lives. It sounds like it is written by someone deeply unhappy and in need of some support. AIBU to think this is someone who is desperate for a bit of time alone and some support?What do you think?

BreathlessCommotion · 03/10/2020 17:34

Perhaps. I would never tell my children, and I love them deeply, but I feel a bit like this. Life was easier without them. My life is pretty boring and tough, one of dc has ASD and creates lots of extra mental work and puts significant limitations on our lives.

Part of my issue is definitely the man I chose to have children with too. But life with kids is hard, boring and limiting.

Uwemoo · 03/10/2020 17:34

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BreathlessCommotion · 03/10/2020 17:35

I often fantasise about running away and starting my life again. I wouldn't because it would fuck them up and I don't want that. It's not their fault I turned out not to he as maternal as I thought.

picklecustard · 03/10/2020 17:38

Honestly I don’t think it’s that uncommon.

I think the reality of having babies and raising children can be much different to the romanticised version people have in their minds.

WhatzTheCraic · 03/10/2020 17:40

I'm on the fence about having children myself, so I've followed threads about this on Mumsnet a lot over the past year. From my observations, t seems to be about 1/3 of the women on here who regret having them.

WhatzTheCraic · 03/10/2020 17:41

There was also a poll on Loose Women a few months ago, and I think it was around 30% who said if they could go back, they wouldn't have had them.

CarolVordermansBum · 03/10/2020 17:41

I often wish I could just get up and go out, have a lie in, stay in bed if I'm ill, have a night out, enjoy a meal in peace, etc etc.

But my issue is that I regret having children with a partner who wasn't willing to help me out. I wish I'd had children with someone who was willing to help with night feeds, school runs, cooking, cleaning, someone to watch them while I take the dog out or go to the dentist. I don't actually regret having kids, I love them more than anything, and they do bring me so much joy and happiness. Its just tough going sometimes.

gamerchick · 03/10/2020 17:43

I wish I'd never had kids. I don't regret them as they're amazing but I would choose not to if I knew then what I knew now.

Nobody likes to admit it, seeing the slaughtering this letter got on VT page on facebook I'm not surprised people keep it to themselves. Taboo this topic.

Llamapolice · 03/10/2020 17:43

I'm sure my mum regrets having children. It didn't make her a terrible mum although I could sometimes see her frustration when I was younger, it could be like walking on eggshells at times. She's much happier and we get on much better since I've been an adult. It's such a taboo but it's common and also doesn't mean someone can't parent at least adequately.

Lockheart · 03/10/2020 17:43

I don't think this is uncommon. Having children can be expensive, restrictive, (rightly or wrongly) damaging to a career, physically and emotionally wearing, not to mention the ordeal you have to put your body through which can result in long-term difficulties or disabilities.

If you had to write a list of pros and cons, the cons list would stretch much further!

TheSoapyFrog · 03/10/2020 17:46

I adore my kids but I really hate being a mum. But it's true that I get no help and I've had two nights away from the kids in 6 years and one of them was spent in hospital.
I miss being spontaneous and being able to go anywhere I want when I want. I rarely leave the house.

Topseyt · 03/10/2020 17:47

I understand many of her sentiments even though I find her language in the article rather extreme.

I often felt like this when mine were very young even though I loved them very much. It was the relentlessness if it all because that wears you down. I don't think it is as uncommon as you might think to feel like that.

Mine are all grown up now, and are my great friends.

Reddog1 · 03/10/2020 17:47

About 20 years ago, before I had children, I was chatting to a woman in her late fifties who said that she didn’t enjoy parenthood until her boys were teens/adults and then she loved it. She had a great relationship with her adult sons (one was a friend of mine) and still does.

I think that the grunt work and tedium of raising children at the outset can be demoralising. It sometimes seems never-ending.

user1493413286 · 03/10/2020 17:47

I think it depends what you measure life by; before children I had more sleep, my career was better, more money and I was in some ways a nicer person because I was less tired and had more time for people but since having children I am more content in my life and I have a lot more fun. I also think that for a lot of people their life may have been better without children but once you have that urge to have children then your life is no longer better without them because it’s deeply painful to want children and not be able to have them

AliasGrape · 03/10/2020 17:48

I have a newborn and am probably not qualified to comment as I’ve been a parent for about 5 minutes (for what it’s worth it’s tough and knackering at times but also amazing so no regrets here so far).

But I don’t understand why people who feel this way always seem to have more than one child. The article says this woman thought it would change things? Really? What did she imagine it would change? That sounds snotty but it’s honestly a genuine question. I have a dog, if it turned out after I’d had him a while that I hated having a dog I wouldn’t go and get another. I get that accidents happen but often the second child is planned.

dancingindungarees · 03/10/2020 17:49

I wish I hadn't had mine. I passed on an unknown genetic condition. I'm exhausted and feel like life is one long struggle. I'm not going to get the free time when he's an adult it's a lifetime thing, then what happens him after I die. I love him with all my heart but it's a hard slog. I don't judge anyone who feels the same.

Soubriquet · 03/10/2020 17:49

I love my kids and I would never change them, but if I could go back, I probably wouldn’t have had them

Wafflesontop · 03/10/2020 17:51

I love my children and I don't regret them. If I'm being honest and I could go back in time I wouldn't chose to be a mother and have kids.

PicsInRed · 03/10/2020 17:52

Children who are sensitive, high needs, special needs or disabled will invariably (in our society) vastly impact the mother and not so much the father (some of whom simply walk away to EOW with little to no disapproval). In addition to this, any issues in a child are often initially blamed on the mother and her parenting.

Women are extremely isolated after they have children, without the extended family/community help which used to exist. Motherhood has been elevated to a vocational and sacred ideal which is unattainable.

Mothers are blamed if they stay in an abusive relationship then vilified if they attempt to prevent contact with the abuser after separation. The Family court requires and enforces contact, or the children are taken away from mum and given to the abuser.

It is very, very difficult, almost impossibly so, to be a mother in our current society.

GreyishDays · 03/10/2020 17:55

@AliasGrape

I have a newborn and am probably not qualified to comment as I’ve been a parent for about 5 minutes (for what it’s worth it’s tough and knackering at times but also amazing so no regrets here so far).

But I don’t understand why people who feel this way always seem to have more than one child. The article says this woman thought it would change things? Really? What did she imagine it would change? That sounds snotty but it’s honestly a genuine question. I have a dog, if it turned out after I’d had him a while that I hated having a dog I wouldn’t go and get another. I get that accidents happen but often the second child is planned.

Maybe they thought it would get significantly easier once the children were out of toddlerhood, or so.

arethereanyleftatall · 03/10/2020 17:57

I feel the same. I love my children and on my death bed, they will undoubtedly be the best thing that ever happened to me; but simultaneously - my life was much more fun before they came along. Every bit of me time has to be planned, they talk a lot of drivel. When I pass women in the street with babies or toddlers talking shit, I just feel deeply sorry for them.

EIEIohmygod · 03/10/2020 17:58

I was obsessed with this topic when I accidentally fell pregnant. I've never been maternal. Thought I didn't want kids. I read every thread and article out there on mothers who regretted having children. Was so worried I'd end up hating my life. I went into motherhood with such low expectations.

Happily becoming a mother has been the best thing that ever happened to me. I can't express how much happier I am in myself. How much I enjoy it, even the grunt work. But I have a calm, easy, healthy child. If I'd had an ill baby, or a high-needs baby, or an unsupportive partner, things might have been different.

Iamuhtredsonofuhtred · 03/10/2020 17:59

I don’t actively regret my children but I do regret having 4 (last pregnancy was twins) because I am overwhelmed and really can’t cope. If I’d just had 2 and not gone for a 3rd my life would be totally manageable. I also bitterly regret my choice of husband because now I’m on my own with them.

LiveFromHome · 03/10/2020 17:59

I think I probably went through feeling like this when my son was younger.

Now I'm going through it with my dog.

Duggeehugs82 · 03/10/2020 17:59

@BreathlessCommotion

Perhaps. I would never tell my children, and I love them deeply, but I feel a bit like this. Life was easier without them. My life is pretty boring and tough, one of dc has ASD and creates lots of extra mental work and puts significant limitations on our lives.

Part of my issue is definitely the man I chose to have children with too. But life with kids is hard, boring and limiting.

I also have a child with ASD and i can relate to when u say its more mentally hard. Its just another level and i wish i didnt prefer my old life