Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum says she wishes she never had children as 'life was better without them'

656 replies

toothfairy73 · 03/10/2020 17:31

I have just seen this headline in a Newspaper. A anonymous mum has written this letter stating the above.

apple.news/A7zR8oawtR6OFxqP2tijb6g

What are your thoughts? I'm sure we have all had moments where we miss our old lives. It sounds like it is written by someone deeply unhappy and in need of some support. AIBU to think this is someone who is desperate for a bit of time alone and some support?What do you think?

OP posts:
BubblyBarbara · 03/10/2020 18:00

This is why God made organisms so pleasant, men's sex drive so intense, and people never listen to other people's advice, because if sex didn't feel good or people actually listened to warnings about having children it would never happen and humans would die out! People think ignorance is bad but actually it's important to our survival as having children is clearly going to be a struggle if you ever thought about it objectively.

Iamuhtredsonofuhtred · 03/10/2020 18:00

My eldest DD is the joy of my life and wonderful company despite being a stroppy tween. It’s the little ones who are breaking me. I have to believe it will get better!

FTMF30 · 03/10/2020 18:00

The first few months of having my child were relentless and I mourned my old life quite a lot. But I found my stride. DS is 2 now, more independent and brings so much joy with his emerging personality. It is hard but I didn't resign myself to martyrdom, which has it's own challenges - people will gush about how wonderfuland hands on DH is (with his own child)Hmm

I think people who regret it often have a child with high needs and/or little support from their partner and friends/family.

CounsellorTroi · 03/10/2020 18:01

I think some people enjoy being parents and some don't. Doesn't make them worse parents.

ArranBound · 03/10/2020 18:01

I sometimes wonder why/if more women don't stop to think before having kids? I knew from my early 20s I wasn't prepared to give up my freedom & sleep to have kids and I stuck to it. I knew how hard it would be to bring up a family, even though I'd never been around babies. Do women still feel that societal pressure or expectation that they should have kids?

LilaButterfly · 03/10/2020 18:02

Its really tough, because there are so many factors besides the children themselves.
How involved is the father, grandparents etc.
Its harder for single parents for sure
Do you get time off without kids (date night, holiday)
SN can be extremely challenging

I dont find my life tough or restricted at all, but thats because i have a lot of help. This is why its impossible to know beforehand. Because you dont know how it all turns out.

StormBaby · 03/10/2020 18:04

I loved parenting until I had teenagers. It’s not that unusual to regret it. Young women are sold a lie, encouraged to settle down and procreate and be the caregiver and it’s a falsehood. I only had them to create a family for myself as I didn’t have one. I realised a few years ago that no matter how much love and care I’ve poured into them in their younger years, ultimately they care about me about as much as my own parents did me. I’m disposable and forgettable. I’m just so over it now quite honestly. I’d rather be relaxing somewhere warm.

OliviaBenson · 03/10/2020 18:05

Do women still feel that societal pressure or expectation that they should have kids?

Childfree by choice here and yes there is huge pressure. I get asked a lot why I don't want kids, and I hate to say it but I get more judgement from other women. Childfree threads on here show that- I've been told I don't know true love etc etc.

I'm always surprised people don't think about it more. Especially in the world we live in at the moment. And you see the threads on here where women have multiple children to a partner that clearly was poor even before children.

Levatrice · 03/10/2020 18:06

I think it’s probably more than 34% if more people were honest. My life was much better before them but their useless dad doesn’t help the situation either. I’m always honest and tell people how it is but people don’t like hearing it 🤷🏼‍♀️

LiveFromHome · 03/10/2020 18:08

Do women still feel that societal pressure or expectation that they should have kids?

The tide is definitely turning wrt this, my job means I chat 1:1 to 10-15 women a day, quite intimate conversations, and it's definitely becoming more of a conscious choice and more of an acceptable choice.

DS is 17 and is an absolute joy, but if I were in my 20's now I'd probably choose not to have children.

MeredithGreysScalpel · 03/10/2020 18:08

I don’t regret mine, but if I had my time again I wouldn’t have children

RedMarauder · 03/10/2020 18:09

@AliasGrape

I have a newborn and am probably not qualified to comment as I’ve been a parent for about 5 minutes (for what it’s worth it’s tough and knackering at times but also amazing so no regrets here so far).

But I don’t understand why people who feel this way always seem to have more than one child. The article says this woman thought it would change things? Really? What did she imagine it would change? That sounds snotty but it’s honestly a genuine question. I have a dog, if it turned out after I’d had him a while that I hated having a dog I wouldn’t go and get another. I get that accidents happen but often the second child is planned.

Agree.

I think one of the issues is that people often aren't around small children enough to know that they are tedious as their siblings are the same age group as them or live miles away, so they all have children around the same time.

There are large age gaps between some of my siblings so a few of us younger ones only have one child as we baby sat some of our older nieces and nephews.

faithfulbird · 03/10/2020 18:09

I've never felt like that but I do wish the partner would help around.

LoeliaPonsonby · 03/10/2020 18:10

I think more women might regret it now because they’ve got so much more to lose - good careers, interesting and time consuming hobbies, friends etc.

Atadaddicted · 03/10/2020 18:11

Absolute don’t regret

I’m curious. The mother’s that regret. What do you envisage you’d be doing?

I went to university, 3 years of professional Exams, good job, high pay, fantastic life in central London.

In my twenties.

The idea of living that life now... at 40? Well, I love fact I’ve just had dinner with my two and we’re about to settle down to watch Marley and Me on a Saturday night!

sleepyhead · 03/10/2020 18:11

Lots of women are deciding not to have kids.

Birth rates in the West are mostly at historic lows. Which is brilliant if fewer people end up having babies just because society tells them they should.

Still, there's pressure, biological, fitting in with how you think your life should be, even feeling like you should produce grandchildren.

And pp is right, lots of things about my life would have been easier/better if I'd not had children but I did want them so I wouldnt have appreciated it.

Thelnebriati · 03/10/2020 18:13

If I could go back in a time machine I don't think I'd have kids again. At least not with the same man.
Before I had kids I didn't realise how much I would miss working, and I underestimated the impact it would have on my career which has never recovered. I did try to retrain several times but I feel like I keep falling between the cracks.

lovinglife321 · 03/10/2020 18:14

My mother always warned me off having children - at the time I took it very personally - but having my own children, especially one who is an adult (who is adamant she never wants children) I've told her that she'll have a lot more freedom without them.

The guilt from even thinking it is awful, so I just want to add that I love my children dearly; they're my little dementors sucking out my life! They are beautiful and when they're asleep and I miss them Halo

BorderlineHappy · 03/10/2020 18:15

I think its true to a certain degree.

Im at home with younger kids and i have adult kids as well.In my case if i didnt have the younger kids my life would be so much easier.

Im tied down so much,but it is what it is.I decided to have them so i grin and bear it.

I would never tell them that though.

arethereanyleftatall · 03/10/2020 18:15

As to the question about why have two...
In a way, even though the baby/toddler bit is the hardest (ime to date, could change!), you haven't experienced the relentlessness of it all yet. That becomes the hardest thing. When you're sat on the loo and you hear 'muuuuuuummmm' first couple of years is ok, funny even; then when it's gone on every day for ten years; it's too late to shove them back in.

Quietlyloud · 03/10/2020 18:16

I sometimes think that we should have stopped at one while also wanting a third. Our second has extra health issues and those can take their toll, it’s tough for her obviously but it’s also tough as the parent. We don’t get any nights off because we have no one who can care for the younger one and no one can even just watch her for a second so we are always needed if that makes sense. My life was crap for other reasons before I fell pregnant with my first but sometimes I think we should have been a one and done couple. If she didn’t have health issues I wonder if I would feel this way?

mirandatempestuous · 03/10/2020 18:18

Aliasgrape (amazing username). Yes - I have this question about why people have more than 1 child too. I haven't yet heard a convincing explanation other than my brother who said he had a set idea of how many he wanted and just had them and then realised what a slog he was in for. I only ever wanted one and the minute she was born I knew that was it for me. I love her dearly. I like her. I have every faith it's all going to come good in the long run. But right now it's hard.

BreathlessCommotion · 03/10/2020 18:18

I had a second because I had an intense urge. I also don't think I'd regret half as much if I'd stuck to one child. Two is infinitely harder than one, particularly as it is my youngest that has ASD. I often think if I just had oldest dc it wouldn't have been so bad. My life would be almost back to normal now. We'd be able to go on bike rides together, walks, holidays, days out. All of these are virtually impossible or frustratingly difficult for my youngest dc.

So actually my oldest dc is missing out on life experiences because of my choices too.

For those who say they are having more fun, what are you doing that is more fun?

mirandatempestuous · 03/10/2020 18:19

@Atadaddicted

Absolute don’t regret

I’m curious. The mother’s that regret. What do you envisage you’d be doing?

I went to university, 3 years of professional Exams, good job, high pay, fantastic life in central London.

In my twenties.

The idea of living that life now... at 40? Well, I love fact I’ve just had dinner with my two and we’re about to settle down to watch Marley and Me on a Saturday night!

But I'm still doing all those things - high pay, central London etc. What I loved at 20 I still love. To be fair I never was one for drinking or clubbing though.
feelingverylazytoday · 03/10/2020 18:19

My youngest has special needs and I'm her carer 24/7. I've been parenting for 32 years now, over half my life and increasingly I'm longing to be on my own without anyone else to care for or think about their needs. So I do regret it sometimes, I expected this part of my life to be over now, but it just goes on and on.