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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum says she wishes she never had children as 'life was better without them'

656 replies

toothfairy73 · 03/10/2020 17:31

I have just seen this headline in a Newspaper. A anonymous mum has written this letter stating the above.

apple.news/A7zR8oawtR6OFxqP2tijb6g

What are your thoughts? I'm sure we have all had moments where we miss our old lives. It sounds like it is written by someone deeply unhappy and in need of some support. AIBU to think this is someone who is desperate for a bit of time alone and some support?What do you think?

OP posts:
joystir59 · 05/10/2020 07:56

I have several friends who never wanted children and have no regrets about not having had them..I think there is enormous societal pressure on women to have them and not having them.orvnot even wanting to have them is seen as unnatural

corythatwas · 05/10/2020 08:19

I don't regret my first at all, but I'm 25 weeks through a difficult shit pregnancy and absolutely regretting going for a second child, who by reading the comments on this thread, is going to ruin our lives.

You don't know that, FaceTheRaven80. The thread is specifically for mums who do need to express regret, but many of them feel equally regretful about their first child- you don't. So nothing to say you'll feel regretful about their second child either. I didn't.

It's just that lives are so different, people are so different, circumstances are so different.

IcedPurple · 05/10/2020 08:22

I find this so sad. Never wanted a child ended up with 3!!!

Unless you've had serious consecutive contraception failures, clearly you did want children.

megletthesecond · 05/10/2020 08:38

@busymum45 tweens here. It's still awful and I sleep far less than when they were toddlers. I was dealing with arguments and drama until 11pm last night. Although my 12yr old is challenging and violent which doesn't help.

YukoandHiro · 05/10/2020 08:39

I don't regret my children at all, so I don't feel like this woman, but I certainly regret some of the things I've inevitably lost. I have a difficult first DC with multiple allergies which makes doing anything spontaneous almost impossible. Life is really tedious at times.
What I don't understand is why this mother has decided to go part time at work. If she's massively uninspired by parenting, she shouldn't feel that she has to SAH as much as she is. She will be a better parent overall for finding that outlet elsewhere and securing excellent childcare for her kids at the same time.

PlonkItDownNOW · 05/10/2020 08:51

I definitely won't have a second. One of DS's friends mum wanted to stick at one but she felt her DD needed a sibling so she went for number 2. It was twins. They're 2 years old now and she has said to me she regrets it and probably wouldn't have gone for a second if she had the chance again.

Do I want DS to have a sibling? Yes. Do I think that, on its own, is reason enough for me to have a second baby? Hell no.

FTMF30 · 05/10/2020 09:05

@IcedPurple

I find this so sad. Never wanted a child ended up with 3!!!

Unless you've had serious consecutive contraception failures, clearly you did want children.

@IcedPurple I read that as meaning she didn't initially want children, not that she has not wanted children throughout.
IcedPurple · 05/10/2020 09:29

I read that as meaning she didn't initially want children, not that she has not wanted children throughout.

So she didn't want children...until she did. Not really the same as 'never' wanting children, as she claimed.

Quietlyloud · 05/10/2020 10:02

I regret having children but I decided to have TWO.

Yes...ok....

Yes because in many cases it’s only after the second we find it tough or the second is born with extra needs that makes it harder. It’s not as black and white as you would like to think.

ConcernedAuntie · 05/10/2020 10:18

Many years ago I read an article about the pressure from friends and relatives to have children. The article concluded that these friends and relatives wanted you to be as miserable as they were.

Quietlyloud · 05/10/2020 10:20

It would be interesting to look at it more from the child's point of view too.

So go start a thread then.. why are you so determined to change what this one is about?

VanillaChai20 · 05/10/2020 10:24

Very interesting thread for someone on the fence.

I'd be interested to know if there's regret when the kids are adults though as well?

Quietlyloud · 05/10/2020 10:34

Yespresh Thats so sad. He sounds like those incel types. Worst part is he’s probably part of some online groups encouraging his gross behaviour. I do t know to suggest but I’d want him out for sure.

Bugbabe1970 · 05/10/2020 11:07

I have never regretted having my kids ever
I had a good life before I had them and enjoyed my freedom before kids came along
Looking forward to grand children now
My kids are fab

Zaphodsotherhead · 05/10/2020 11:36

@VanillaChai20

I struggled enormously when my kids were younger. I regretted having had five, I regretted having had them with a man who decided after number two, (which was the point at which I gave up work, incidentally or maybe not) that I was 'mummy' and not an intellectual equal, and therefore should do ALL the housework, childcare etc, and I regretted the loss of my old life, partly occasioned by a move for his job 350 miles from all my family.

Now they are adult and I don't regret anything. Looking back my regrets came from overwork, tiredness, lack of support with ANYTHING and lack of any kind of life outside the children. I was desperately homesick, had PND (undiagnosed) when we moved DC4 was only three months old. We had DC5 and then split up.

But now they are among my best friends. They and their partners enliven and enrich my life no end. But if I had my time again, would I do it all over? I can't 'unthink' any of them, so I can't say 'yes, but I'd only have two, or three' (which ones would I 'send back'?). I regretted the way my life went back then, but now I am happy to have had them.

And I would have been happy to have had them when they were small had I had one ounce of help with them both before and after my husband and I split up.

DickintheDob · 05/10/2020 12:00

@Frostiesfortea..
I know that feeling when the phone rings I don't know what I'm going to be dealing with when I answer. And on the flip side if she doesn't respond to my messages or pick up when I call I worry she's followed through with her thoughts. Don't regret having her but wish I could go back in time and change things for her.

Frostiesfortea · 05/10/2020 12:10

@DickintheDob - it’s always a worry. My son is non verbal and has severe learning disabilities so it’s usually a call to says he’s kicked off or hurt someone and we need to go and get him. We stopped bothering to arrange anything For when he was in respite years ago 🙄. It’s worth it for the times he behaves and we get a couple of days off!

Strangeways19 · 05/10/2020 12:12

thoughts are - gate, horse, bolted....
I think everyone looks back and the grass is greener, I do that with career choices, with life choices like having children, its natural.
We don't know really though whether life would be better or worse, whats to say that this mother wouldn't have regretted not having the experience of having children had she chosen not to?

Its easy to say that we would do it differently but its also irrelevant as we did it this was and therefore have to do life the best we can with what we have got, including errors or wise decisions.
I have said this to myself also - about having children - but reality is that you don't know what its like until you're doing it, risk is with parenthood that you can't go back on the decision! huge commitment

PlonkItDownNOW · 05/10/2020 12:15

I know that however much I think now that if I'd known what being a parent was like I wouldn't have done it, it's a catch 22 because if I'd never done it I would 100% be sad that I hadn't. So.

AlexTheHalloweenCat · 05/10/2020 12:29

@Thinkingthinking

I don’t regret my child for a second, she is the best thing in my life. BUT, I do feel sad that my partner is so unsupportive (even though he wanted kids) that I’m lucky if I get an hour once a week to wash my hair. He’s not had one broken nights sleep in a year and basically does whatever he wants always yet he makes out that he has no free time. I feel physically, mentally and emotionally broken and resent him for making motherhood harder than it needs to be. There’s no way I would have another child, I don’t think I’d survive it and my marriage certainly wouldn’t.
I'm so sorry he is so unsupportive. I think this is one of the main reasons that women regret having children. Dads need to step up too. I was accidentally earwigging on some first time mums chatting this morning and they were talking about how would they manage doing the cleaning when they went back to work. I wanted to tell them that they needed to get their partners to do their part (I didn't of course).

I miss peace and quiet, a flat tummy, having a career and time with my OH but I don't regret having children (just some of the effects of having them!). I sometimes wonder if it was the right thing for them as since I've had them it has been like the four horsemen of the apocalypse with Brexit, Trump, Covid and climate change coming to the forefront, and the world feels so unstable now and I worry about their futures.

We need dads to step up and support their partners and children, much much better support for parents with SEN kids (there isn't anywhere near enough and it must be so hard - on the PPs said it was much better in Scandinavia), cheaper and better childcare (again, Scandinavia). We need lower expectations about constantly entertaining our kids and running ourselves ragged taking them activities. It wasn't like this we were children and it would be good to have a middle ground between being so full on and how things used to be (not the benign neglect of the 70s where parents would go to the pub and leave the kids in the car with a packet of crisps though Shock). Mums would have more time and head space for themselves and maybe they would enjoy it a lot more (All Joy and No Fun by Jennifer Senior is an interesting read on why parents are struggling, it's American but some of it applies in the UK).

malificent7 · 05/10/2020 12:33

Whilst I don't regret dd, it's WAY harder than I thought. She is a feisy , willful child and I find it so hatd patenting her to the extent i let her go on her phone a lot and feel like a failure. Tbh she spends most of her time having group chats so at least she has friends.
I would not send her back but my life is hardernow.

holliem91 · 05/10/2020 13:15

@Browncoat1 I have one DD and I don't want another either. Very adamant about it. I've told DH and also many others and all they say is "you'll change you're mind", "wait until she's a bit older" or "she needs a sibling!". It puts a lot of pressure on me. My DH does want another and says that we will but I know for a fact, I won't have another baby. I love my DD and I don't regret her. But, I only just about cope with her and I know that mentally more than anything, I would not cope with a second and for that reason I don't want one, but everyone just overlooks that

Browncoat1 · 05/10/2020 14:17

@holliem91 exactly! I'm lucky in the fact that my husband knows I'm being serious and has said he's fine with it. But every other family member has been constantly asking when I'm having another since she was born. My dad even going as far to call me cruel if I don't give her a brother or sister.
Totally agree with you that people overlook how it would impact you mentally and the fact that if the only reason you're having another child is to keep the one you already have company then it's probably not a good idea 🙈

GettingUntrapped · 05/10/2020 14:51

I think there is some truth in people recommending it to others because they want you to be miserable too.

What the heck?Why is it such a taboo for a woman to say she doesn't want children, doesn't want any more or regrets it.

There is so much self sacrifice for women with children, yet we don't often say it out loud.

KylieKangaroo · 05/10/2020 14:59

See I would never recommend it and would probably put people off, even though I don't regret it which doesn't make sense. Point being if friends asked I would always be honest, but no one ever really asks me anyway!