Mum says she wishes she never had children as 'life was better without them'

[toothfairy73]

I have just seen this headline in a Newspaper. A anonymous mum has written this letter stating the above.

apple.news/A7zR8oawtR6OFxqP2tijb6g

What are your thoughts? I'm sure we have all had moments where we miss our old lives. It sounds like it is written by someone deeply unhappy and in need of some support. AIBU to think this is someone who is desperate for a bit of time alone and some support?What do you think?

My mum said she regretted having us. It hurt. But I accept it was hard.

I now have three of my own. Nearly four but I had an abortion....realised my limits. I love them to bits. But i wish I had realised i really wasn't cut out for this life.

I long to be alone, spend time alone. Be able to think.

It's not as simple as I want them/don't want them. Its the natural progression for most of us, and I loved kids. I loved my nephews and nieces, but I could always hand them back!

To but it simply....it's complicated!

@Bluemooninmyeyes1 everything I've ever seen on a forum or social media about a dad regretting his kids was not only responded to sympathetically but also with advise on how to leave the family and have nothing to do with the kids, get out of paying child support, get what 'he's owed' from the assets, advice to lie to the kids if they contact him when they are older and deny he's the real father and say their mother lied and worse. Bonkers. If your husband does need actual support there are forums he can talk to other regretful parents on who are actually helpful.

Your life doesn't need to end with having a child. You can carry on exploring the world together.

Good point, well made.

Not a well made point at all. I have to travel for a couple days a few times a year for the younger ones clinics, we have to bring so much medical equipment and it’s a faff but we do it because we need to. There is no way we can go away on holiday, we don’t drive for a start so everything is public transport, then there is the medication she is on and being unsafe to sun exposure because of it so that rules out a lot of places, then there is cold and that can make her go blue. Anywhere we go would cost too much because we would need some amazing insurance to cover the care she would need in the worst case scenario. Travelling isn’t as easy as some want to make out.

Why are some partners so slow in helping out their partners with a new baby They expect their partner as well as looking after a new baby to run behind them what happened to new man image !.Its their mothers fault as she pampered the poor little boy at home .My husbands mum was like that 3men in the house no help at all cooking cleaning and going to work full time .I enjoy my 2daughters but my son has turned out to be a rotten egg

It's because we are all socialised to see the mother, or even female, to be the 'caretakers' of children and men. Our self sacrifice enables them to keep going. But it's too much for us and they can fuck off now.

I’m immeasurably glad I didn’t have children before 37. Pregnant with number two, due when I’m 39. I calculated that I’d rather take the risk of not having children than have them before 35. I’m lucky, and I love my child, but I would have hated it a decade. Shudder at the thought.

I found it much better to have children young and out of my hair by the time I was 43 so I could enjoy myself a lot more. I had no money in my 20s anyway so having fun later on when I was higher earning worked out much better

@Toffieefee
I know exactly how you feel mine and my husbands relationship became like yours because of lack of support, I love my husband still but feel our relationship could have been so much better if we'd have had some support.
Maybe you could look at a babysitting agency so you know they are vetted ect. X

I wish I hadn't had children. A lot of the time I feel trapped and low in mood. I adore my daughters (twin toddlers), but for innumerable reasons, I wish I had terminated the pregnancy. As I didn't, I am now the solo carer of 2 beautiful, hyper, demanding little people. I feel stuck, but as I made the decision to have them, I'm going to do my best to do right by them. 💚

@Miisty

Why are some partners so slow in helping out their partners with a new baby They expect their partner as well as looking after a new baby to run behind them what happened to new man image !.Its their mothers fault as she pampered the poor little boy at home .My husbands mum was like that 3men in the house no help at all cooking cleaning and going to work full time .I enjoy my 2daughters but my son has turned out to be a rotten egg

I'm sorry, can you read that last sentence back to yourself? What a fucking despicable thing to say.

I have two, six years apart and I wouldn't change anything and it's only reading the really sad comments on here that has made me realise how much richer my life is with my kids in it and I've never been a mother earth type. They have changed me for the better. I am kinder, more patient and have empathy in abundance for people in general. I was so much more selfish and less considerate before I had them. My two are hard work but what they give back in love and laughs is immeasurable. All those out there who regret their kids, please don't ever let them know you feel like that, it would destroy them.

I haven’t read the article but I feel the same. Our 21 year old daughter is verbally abusive to us. Started when she was 15, she tells us she was abused. She has had a typical middle class upbringing with two parents in a comfortable home. She treats us like dirt. She has moved away now but moves from drama to crisis.

Our 25 year old son still lives at home in total squalor. We went in his room to clean today as he was working. The mess is indescribable. It’s mostly takeaway food packets. He is usually gaming so urinates in bottles rather than using the toilet. I must have emptied 25 plastic bottles of urine today. It is unbearable but what is the alternative? He doesn’t care about himself. Has been on tabs and had counselling in the past.

I am currently having cancer treatment and start chemo next week after a huge operation to remove the tumour. My DH is wonderful but I dearly wish it was just the two of us. There I said it. I want to live by the ocean just him, me and the dog.

I don’t regret having one, who also happens to be an absolute doddle (happy, sociable child, loves school, generally lovely to be around). Not sure how I’d feel if she weren’t such a doddle, or if I’d had two 🙈🙈

God, Now I feel like I'm in the minority!
I adore my lot, I do 'unschooling' too so I have been with my four from day dot, I don't get much time off, once a year the MIL would take them for a weekend so me and the other half could go away, we would take a short break which I loved, but would be over the moon to have a cuddle from the kids!
I love our days, we spend it reading or playing board games, long walks with the dog, its been even better since my other half can work from home as we can do more together.
Our film nights on a friday, the cuddles, I have three of mine poorly at the moment, full of cold like me, so we have snuggled up on the sofa watching random rubbish and talking utter bollocks, Its heaven lol.

I love seeing my friends though haven't really done that since March, but my kids are the best thing (aside my husband) in my life.
I was a young mum, and I know people assumed I would struggle, but from the second I held my babies, I knew I'd live n die for them, and I don't miss or regret anything!
Maybe the difference is I'm pretty poor compared to most, I spent my own childhood taking care of my own Mum who was really ill, and compared to that raising a kid seems positively easy!
If I could go back, I would just want more kids lol.

I love my children with all my heart but never has anyone hurt or upset me like my daughter. If I could go back I would have had just one child, not because she ruined everything we had but because I recently found out my partner has aspergers and that’s why I’ve always felt like I was parenting alone. He doesn’t communicate with them, understand them, talk to them much or take any responsibility for them or their lives other than paying for things. It’s not his fault but I get so tired and frustrated at his lack of ability to help with their emotional problems or even take an interest in anything they do. He doesn’t even know he’s doing it but it makes me so mad and sad for them. And is so often the cause of arguments within the family unit. One child would have been so much easier but I was put under a huge amount of pressure by friends and family telling me it was ‘cruel’ and selfish to have a single child. What rubbish! And now I often find myself regretting them both.

I don’t regret my child for a second, she is the best thing in my life. BUT, I do feel sad that my partner is so unsupportive (even though he wanted kids) that I’m lucky if I get an hour once a week to wash my hair. He’s not had one broken nights sleep in a year and basically does whatever he wants always yet he makes out that he has no free time. I feel physically, mentally and emotionally broken and resent him for making motherhood harder than it needs to be. There’s no way I would have another child, I don’t think I’d survive it and my marriage certainly wouldn’t.

I have teens, I preferred them at 5 less attitude but love them to bits just not the dramas from the 16 year old.

There’s something to be said for being an older Mum as I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything by having a child. I’ve been able to add a different kind of fun and enjoyment to my life such as trips to Disney, bedtime stories, games, art & crafts, Annabel Karmel meals (the chicken curry is especially yummy) You also have the satisfaction of seeing your offspring blossom through learning and the passing down of your “wisdom”

I do only have the one child though and I’m perfectly satisfied for it to stay that way! At some point I might like to go a rock concert or start using hotel spa facilities again.

Motherhood requires a level of sacrifice but if you put in enough effort you should be rewarded. My daughter is my world and I feel sad for all the mothers and children where it hasn’t worked out.

thelegohooverer Your comment explains my feelings so well. My second has extra needs and yet still I’ve had this urge to have another baby from she came home permantly from the hospital but I knew having another so soon would have been crazy. It’s been years and I’m still having that strong urge for a third and I’m a decent mum, my kids have my time, attention and are well cared for. I must be doing something right if all the professionals in her life haven’t said otherwise, but would a third be too much if I already feel this way? Sensibly I wouldn’t have another or if at least wait a few years which was the plan, but I have PCOS so now that comes into it and it’s gotten more noticeable since diagnosed so I worry I can’t wait a few years but one now would be madness. It’s a fucked up battle going on lol so far I’ve been sensible and I’m not trying to get pregnant.

I love my kids and I'm glad they're here: do I wonder what life would have been like if I'd broadened my horizons and went after academics and a career? Absolutely.

I don't regret THEM but I definitely regret thinking too small and some of the choices I've made, particularly in relation to their fathers. I could have done a LOT better for myself if my self esteem had been better.

Regretting having kids doesn't necessarily equate to not loving your kids although I'm sure that's more common than we think.

We have idealised versions in our head of what marriage and kids will be and the reality is very different. No one ever tells you how bloody hard it is for starters.

Maybe the difference is I'm pretty poor compared to most

I see on this thread more that a lot of people struggle practically with the things you are lucky enough to find easy, not that they miss material things. So I don't think this really has to do with money. Time, possibly. You have little break from your kids but you are also quite lucky to have no school runs or job to balance with parenting. That's what I find frazzles me most (and I don't regret having kids)

My mum told me the same thing as yours. So I never had children. I am approaching 70 and have never regretted it. My life hadn’t been selfish as those with children might say. It’s been a full life . My friends that haven’t had children are happy. My friends that have had children are happy also, but say if they had their life over they wouldn’t have any. I never comment on that because I don’t know. The important thing perhaps is to live the life you choose with few regrets.

@Yespresh

I haven’t read the article but I feel the same. Our 21 year old daughter is verbally abusive to us. Started when she was 15, she tells us she was abused. She has had a typical middle class upbringing with two parents in a comfortable home. She treats us like dirt. She has moved away now but moves from drama to crisis.

Our 25 year old son still lives at home in total squalor. We went in his room to clean today as he was working. The mess is indescribable. It’s mostly takeaway food packets. He is usually gaming so urinates in bottles rather than using the toilet. I must have emptied 25 plastic bottles of urine today. It is unbearable but what is the alternative? He doesn’t care about himself. Has been on tabs and had counselling in the past.

I am currently having cancer treatment and start chemo next week after a huge operation to remove the tumour. My DH is wonderful but I dearly wish it was just the two of us. There I said it. I want to live by the ocean just him, me and the dog.

Yespresh, at 25 he’s old enough to survive (sink or swim) by himself so put the house up for sale and get on with your plans. As you’re no doubt well aware, life’s too short and you’ve done your bit for them for now In my case I knew I wasn’t maternal. I’d never even held a baby until I was in my second trimester! I thought it would come “naturally” and my husband, who I’d do anything for, was potty about kids. So I did, but it didn’t happen. Just a feeling of duty and drudgery. Now I’ve got 5 kids, all mostly grown up and although I love them dearly in my own way, I haven’t lived the life I’ve wanted and in hindsight I was never cut out to be a mum. I’m too selfish and needy. But once you’ve had 1 there’s no going back and 2 is as easy as 4. Our last DD has special needs so it’s never gonna end and another DD has schizophrenia so is never fully well. Sometimes I feel like I’m being punished but then again maybe it’s the kids that bare that burden having someone like me for a mum

I don't regret my first at all, but I'm 25 weeks through a difficult shit pregnancy and absolutely regretting going for a second child, who by reading the comments on this thread, is going to ruin our lives.

@Ilovegardens

I have two, six years apart and I wouldn't change anything and it's only reading the really sad comments on here that has made me realise how much richer my life is with my kids in it and I've never been a mother earth type. They have changed me for the better. I am kinder, more patient and have empathy in abundance for people in general. I was so much more selfish and less considerate before I had them. My two are hard work but what they give back in love and laughs is immeasurable. All those out there who regret their kids, please don't ever let them know you feel like that, it would destroy them.

Completely agree. Life is hard with kids sometimes but i never regret my 3 for one moment.