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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum says she wishes she never had children as 'life was better without them'

656 replies

toothfairy73 · 03/10/2020 17:31

I have just seen this headline in a Newspaper. A anonymous mum has written this letter stating the above.

apple.news/A7zR8oawtR6OFxqP2tijb6g

What are your thoughts? I'm sure we have all had moments where we miss our old lives. It sounds like it is written by someone deeply unhappy and in need of some support. AIBU to think this is someone who is desperate for a bit of time alone and some support?What do you think?

OP posts:
Eatdrinkbemerry · 04/10/2020 18:03

I think the trend here is women who have not had partners support them. I only have one DD and she’s at a self sufficient age and if I’m honest I have never once regretted having her.

I was lucky that I had my parents support and also in laws support. DH was hands on, I went back to FT work when she was barely one and he was the parent doing the nursery drop offs and dinner.

We also were on the same page about her bedtime so we could have ‘us’ time and had babysitters in tap for when we wanted to go out.

DH wanted another but for various reasons I was unable to and if I’m honest I am glad I was unable to and he also now agrees. Our lives would have gone backwards. We are now living our lives the way we want and have a level of our independence back and there is no way I would change that.

I’m not saying I had perfect DH as we definitely had a few years adjusting to having a child and the fact we couldn’t just get up and do whatever we wanted was frustrating at times. Our relationship was tested, especially when he wanted another one and I didn’t but I decided to for him.

I guess for us just having one was best thing as I love being a mother but it doesn’t take over being an independent women and wife.

PerveenMistry · 04/10/2020 18:03

@ohnonotyetplease

I have one daughter. She's eighteen months and I really have grown to love her. But it haunts me that I didn't really want to be a mum and I still have frequent moments of envy of people who haven't got kids.... The guilt is so awful. I look at posts about heartbroken people who are desperate for a family and I can't get my head round it....then I hate myself for having no instinctive connection with this seemingly absolutely natural and normal desire. Then the ingratitude of my situation - a beautiful healthy happy little girl and I still sometimes just wish I could go back and undo....

That must feel awful. One reason I refrained is the wholly irrevocable nature of parenthood.

Sarahpaula · 04/10/2020 18:05

This thread is all about mothers regretting having children.

It would be interesting to look at it more from the child's point of view too.

People who had a mother that regretted having them: did you regret being alive?

Because my mother regretted having me,

And I regret being alive,

If I could go back and do my time over, I wouldn't choose to be born.

Mothers - if you are really, really not sure if you want a child - get an abortion.

Save the children from a lifetime that they don't want.

Because I can guarantee you this - if you regret having the child, the child regrets being alive.

PerveenMistry · 04/10/2020 18:11

@SecretSpAD

I think the only thing you can truly say about motherhood is that you really have NO idea how it's going to impact you until you actually go and do it

Except a lot of women, like me, know that we don't find babies and children interesting, don't enjoy spending time with children and have no desire to find out whether we're wrong.

Same here. It just seems like a dreary existence. Excrement, porridge, crying and whining and expense punctuated by a few moments of happiness.

Morgysmum · 04/10/2020 18:11

I get this, when my son was 4/5 months old, someone asked me if I missed my life before my son. I said yes, I had the blues. I was fat, (baby weight) didn't have much money and was sick, of everyone asking how my son was, but not bothering about me. I did miss my life before my son, I was thinner, had a job and a life. It seemed as all that had gone.
I eventually, got a part time job, which helped as, I got to talk to adults and was once again vicky, not just the person attached to my sons pram. Now 13 years later, I still have days in which I wished I was child free. I think, it does not help, I was with my partner long before I fell pregnant. So I think I feel trapped, to a partner, I aren't feeling attracted to anymore, but stuck with because of my son and lack of money to move out.

Mittens030869 · 04/10/2020 18:12

@BewilderedDoughnut

It probably does sound like it's cliche but in a way that is how it was for me. I wasn't particularly broody in my twenties, unlike my DSis, who always really wanted to be a mum. I never thought I didn't want DC, I just put it on the back burner until I met my DH. He did want DC and I realised that I did too.

I just didn't feel the ticking of the 'biological clock' until I was in a loving relationship.

It wasn't something I desperately wanted then, but when I couldn't, the pain was something I never expected to feel.

I'm not the most maternal person ever, but

Sarahpaula · 04/10/2020 18:13

@PerveenMistry women CHOOSE to have them. The baby just doesn't appear.

It is so unfair on a child for the mother to choose to have them, and then make the child's life a misery.

i see so many threads on here about how hard being a mother is.

There is very little awareness of how grown women's behaviour may be hurting their child.

EmpressoftheMundane · 04/10/2020 18:14

@Sarahpaula, someone Earl sighted a poll where 30% of mums said they regretted having children. I doubt 30% of the population consistently wishes they were never born.

It sounds like in your case there was more than your mum letting her frustrations out anonymously on a chat board.

I know nothing about psychology, but it’s not good to wish you were never born despite whatever you went through as a child. It might be worth talking with a counsellor. You deserve to feel better.

corythatwas · 04/10/2020 18:15

Sarahpaula, your mother was abusive. She told you you weren't wanted and made your life a misery. That is a probably quite unusual level of emotional abuse and it is not surprising that you are damaged by it. But not everybody reacts like that when they find things are harder than they anticipated. Some people try harder, are kinder, think very carefully about what they say, try to get support from anonymous forums to make sure they don't damage their children.

There is absolutely no guarantee your mother would have been any different if she had believed with all her heart that she wanted children. She sounds a horrible person.

Not saying people shouldn't think carefully before having children- of course they should. But that is no guarantee you won't find it harder that you thought.

You still have a duty to be kind though. I'd think it likely that most of the mums posting on this forum are kind. Please don't assume they're not.

Sarahpaula · 04/10/2020 18:17

@EmpressoftheMundane again, please don't just talk to me. I am one of many women on this thread who have said that their mother regretted having them as a child, and how much it impacted their life negatively.

Many women are speaking about this.

Read back through it.

I just don't know why some one has a child and then blames the child for ruining their life. There seems to be a lot of thought about the mother's feelings and NONE about the child's feelings. Children are always seen as second class citizens

Meuniere · 04/10/2020 18:18

@Sarahpaula actually I think those women are very aware. That’s usually why they are on MN. Because they want to make things better.

The ones that can’t stand their dcs and are screaming at them they wish they had never been born are less likely to start a thread tbh

Sarahpaula · 04/10/2020 18:19

@corythatwas it was not an unusual level of abuse.

Many women have said on this thread alone, that their mother told them that they weren't wanted. I will quote a few year

"my mother said if the pill existed when she had me , she would have taken it"
"my mother said that when she found out she was pregnant with me, she tried gin and a hot bath to get rid of me".

That was on this thread alone. Did you read it?

Quietlyloud · 04/10/2020 18:19

Even after you have a child, if you regret having the child so much, give it up for adoption!

Putting a child up for adoption isn’t as easy as you’re making out.. also, I love my kids but I can still regret having more than one. Also, there was no way (in our case) to predict my kid having heart disease.

SugarNyx · 04/10/2020 18:19

I don’t regret having mine but I’m sticking at one. I don’t think I could cope with more and I’m very much looking forward to getting some of my old life back in a few years. My mum had 3 I think she bitterly regretted it and it showed.

corythatwas · 04/10/2020 18:20

i see so many threads on here about how hard being a mother is.

There is very little awareness of how grown women's behaviour may be hurting their child

There is a massive leap between that first sentence and the second. The first is about how people feel inside, the second is about how they behave. For most people inside feelings don't automatically translate into outward behaviour. I don't scream and shout at the bus driver or the shop assistant just because I'm feeling frustrated. I didn't scream and shout at my children either.

Sarahpaula · 04/10/2020 18:20

@corythatwas thanks for the nice post though

Wilkie1956mog · 04/10/2020 18:21

I know there are women who feel that way, but for me - my daughter is truly the light of my life and I can't imagine life without her. Having her was the best thing I ever did in my life.

Sarahpaula · 04/10/2020 18:22

@corythatwas you sound like a lovely mother. I understand.

Winterlily123 · 04/10/2020 18:22

I don’t regret mine at all. I wanted a child so much for a long time so perhaps that’s why. I love spending time with them. It’s also a chance to relive a bit of childhood in a way and I get a lot of enjoyment out of making memories with them. I do get tired though and need to make sure I have a bit of time to myself regularly even if it’s just a couple of hours on an evening when they’ve gone to sleep. Only have one though. I do wonder if things will be different if I have another...

corythatwas · 04/10/2020 18:22

Sarapaula, people have said their mothers said it to them- have you any evidence that any of the mothers posting about being unhappy here have ever said it to their children?

We do have a specially dedicated thread about children suffering from emotional abuse at the hands of their parents (the Stately Home thread, has been running for years). That is where (adult) children can go for support.

This one is for parents.

Purplealienpuke · 04/10/2020 18:24

I stopped at one. It really wasn't what I wanted to be doing with my life. I'm not a natural mother.
Im now a grandmother. I love them dearly. I find them easier to deal with when they're older if I'm honest.

Mittens030869 · 04/10/2020 18:26

It's really not posters on here who damage children, though. They have a vent on here and then in the vast majority of cases go back to being loving mums to the children they're bringing up. Those mums in all likelihood vent on here so that they don't reveal their unhappiness to their DC.

My DM wanted to have DC, and I know I was a wanted baby. But she had no idea what being a mum meant and she failed to protect us from our abusive F. (She says she didn't know; I'll never know whether that was true or not and I've stopped torturing myself in trying to work it out.)

GettingUntrapped · 04/10/2020 18:29

@corythatwas yes, important to separate the mothers from the children. We are separate. We aren't our children, but others seem to be confusing that.

Sarahpaula · 04/10/2020 18:31

Okay @corythatwas I will go to that other thread.

I tend to start talking on this thread, and then I do think "parents should have a space to talk" so I should stop.

So off I pop to that other thread

Bluemooninmyeyes1 · 04/10/2020 18:39

I don’t have kids but my partner does and I know that he regrets having his- as much as he loves them. It would be interesting to see the reaction to a father regretting having kids, I can’t help thinking it would be a lot less sympathetic.