Mum says she wishes she never had children as 'life was better without them'

[toothfairy73]

I have just seen this headline in a Newspaper. A anonymous mum has written this letter stating the above.

apple.news/A7zR8oawtR6OFxqP2tijb6g

What are your thoughts? I'm sure we have all had moments where we miss our old lives. It sounds like it is written by someone deeply unhappy and in need of some support. AIBU to think this is someone who is desperate for a bit of time alone and some support?What do you think?

I actually spent quite a chunk of maternity leave googling ‘putting baby up for adoption’! I didn’t like mine at all, and really regretted having her. DH had fallen in love with her at first sight though. I spent several months pretending I liked her but it was all pretty miserable. We did eventually bond and I do love her and it’s a lot easier now. But may have been preferable for him to do the year’s maternity leave!

It took years to conceive her and she was very much wanted. I’d looked into the abyss of being childless and didn’t like the look of it, which put me in quite the quandary when I did have my baby! Possibly that helped as I’d wanted a baby for so long so I kept reminding myself this was something I wanted?!

I do think so much of it just wasn’t what I expected. I’d seen families having fun at the park etc, I hadn’t realised that you go to the park a million times as it’s a way to survive small children. I didn’t have much experience of small children so the sheer relentless boredom of having a baby/toddler/preschooler nearly drove me mad. Thankfully going to work helped me stay sane. I knew they’re meant to be expensive but I hadn’t realised quite how expensive until we got there (had looked at average costs of childcare etc but individual nurseries tend not to have fees on their website and nowhere in our area was near the average amount!). Lots of things that I thought would save money (cloth nappies, breastfeeding etc) didn’t work out. I thought we’d have more support than we did - nobody visited or brought meals round or offered to hold the baby.

It does seem to be getting easier as she gets older. We can now sometimes have interesting conversations. Doing art and craft and cooking stuff is quite fun. Now she’s at school I’m finding things quite enjoyable again but there’s no way I’d repeat those first 4.5 years and have another child!

It's weird. My life is harder because of having kids, no doubt about it. They also kind of saved me in a way - I used to suffer horribly with panic attacks, and just don't so much since having them.

I have sometimes felt it was a mistake having my second child, but now that he's 3.5 he is getting much easier.

So no, I don't wish I didn't have my children but agree that they make life much harder in some ways.

I loved the baby/toddler stage. Its now that they are pre teens that they are bloody hard work! I wouldn't say i regret having them, but i definitely have days where i wish i could afford to send them to boarding school !!!!

This is a fascinating subject.
Mum of 5-eldest son now has children of his own and has put us through hell over the years. Now NC. The other 4 are more exhausting now they're older! Aged 12-25! At least when they were younger you could put them to bed. I feel like I'm surrounded by constant noise and so crave some peace without having to drive to a lay-by or something.
Given my time again I wouldn't have children although I love them dearly

@Yespresh You need to tell him to move out your job is done that is disgusting carry on from your DC.
My DC are younger I'll go low contact with them as adult's without guilt if they're verbally abusive to me.
Some DC never grow into adult's and expect parents to take abuse.
No way.

I've never been one for regrets, as I consider it a waste of time; it is how it is. But maybe that's because my life has mainly been defined by what happened to me as a child and not by my own actions.

The abuse I went through would have impacted my life, whether I got married or not or whether we adopted our DDs or not. But the overall impact of my marriage and my DDs has been positive, however hard it might have been at times. I've had some lovely times with my DH during our 17 years of marriage and we've had some memorable family holidays.

Sometimes I wonder whether my DDs would have been better off with different parents, but they have bonded with us and are doing well now.

Maybe the truth is that, because of my early years, and because of the years of infertility, I just feel grateful for the good things that have happened and that helps me to get through the difficult times that we've had with our DDs.

Please please please stop describing your feelings as ‘selfish’, ladies. It makes me so sad for you. There is nothing less selfish than the average mother. Not wanting to have more children is NOT selfish. I hate the way our society weaponises ‘selfishness’ against women’s fertility choices in so many ways.

The part I didn’t realise would be so difficult was going on holiday! I realised that we would need to do more child friendly stuff, but bloody hell. Going on holiday with a toddler is all the worst parts of being at home without the tricks that you put in place to make life bearable & safe!

Now they are school aged it’s great again, but frankly I don’t know why we bothered when they were babies.

I've got 2 older ones (adults) and a little one and it's actually the oldest I struggle with. She has depression, anxiety, PTSD and other health issues so I never get to completely relax from worrying or completely enjoy parenting the youngest. And honestly if I knew how unsettled my oldest would be at this point in life I don't think I could've carried on with the pregnancy of the last.

I read the article and I can empathise - I think it's more common than people think.

Perhaps regret is too strong a word. I love my 2 DC and they mean everything to me, but I do find it so hard juggling it all, at the cost of my personal identity - even with a supportive DH. I think these days with nuclear families, urban lifestyles (having to work and live in or near cities) childcare and general living costs, high parental expectations... being a mum is tough. I say mum because mums have had to evolve their historical role in families over the past centuries. Today in modern developed societies, girls are educated and start in work just like men, we get to travel, gain confidence in our vocation .... then we become mums and struggle with everything - guilt if you took time for yourself, guilt if you pursue work/business etc, guilt if you didnt organise the household, failure if your kids didnt conform to "normal" or national education standards etc. If you have easy going normal healthy kids, great. If you have money challenges, disabilities or learning difficulties, an unsupportive partner/family.. it's a relentless and thankless job can really drive you to the edge.

With my DD in particular I always wonder what I'd tell her... unlike me, she's naturally maternal and caring, but she's also bright and talented and could do achieve much more without kids. I'd love to pass on my thoughts but I cant, because it would send the totally wrong message that I regret having kids.

Btw I'm pretty sure my MIL and mother feel the same way because they never pitch in to give us a break, ever.

Wow - I’m amazed that so many people on here can feel for the lady in the article. I could’ve written it myself but I’d be ashamed.
I’m glad to hear I’m not the only one .... I love my kids BUT god I miss my old life. Great edu action and job, fab married life, fun, etc. Kids came and I lost my identity, my joy at every day fun, my marriage changed, life was harder and the joy went. Can’t deny it. Am I seeing it all 12 years later with rose coloured specs? Maybe some of it yes.
I have BIL x 2 who have no kids and they’re living a fab life with loads of money, travel, free time, good jobs. I can’t help but feel annoyed especially since my husband wanted kids - and I did not - but I had them for him tbh - and since having kids he bloody useless!!!!!!! Does barely anything with them, leaves on work travel, socialises whilst I’m the primary caregiver.
So if I could go back maybe I would. But I do love my children.

I don’t regret having children but we planned on 2 and ended up with 4!!! The early days with young kids was an absolutely thankless task. I breastfed them all so had no help with night feeds from DH. I also had to carve out a life and career with kids in tow which meant that we were broke for a decade! Also I had my kids young when friends were out living their lives and traveling. That was lonely and sad at times. We also had no childcare support as our parents were not of retirement age. Now my DC are older (3 are teenagers) I am enjoying their company and humor much more and watching them blossom into young adults makes me so proud. I think as adults they will be even better company! The youngest is 4.5 yrs younger than my 3rd though and feels left out a lot because the older 3 are all on a similar wave length now and she’s still only little (9). She’s a lovely child though and I wouldn’t change her for the world but yes my life would be easier now if we hadn’t had her.

@Yespresh

I haven’t read the article but I feel the same. Our 21 year old daughter is verbally abusive to us. Started when she was 15, she tells us she was abused. She has had a typical middle class upbringing with two parents in a comfortable home. She treats us like dirt. She has moved away now but moves from drama to crisis.

Our 25 year old son still lives at home in total squalor. We went in his room to clean today as he was working. The mess is indescribable. It’s mostly takeaway food packets. He is usually gaming so urinates in bottles rather than using the toilet. I must have emptied 25 plastic bottles of urine today. It is unbearable but what is the alternative? He doesn’t care about himself. Has been on tabs and had counselling in the past.

I am currently having cancer treatment and start chemo next week after a huge operation to remove the tumour. My DH is wonderful but I dearly wish it was just the two of us. There I said it. I want to live by the ocean just him, me and the dog.

This is one of the saddest things I've seen on mumsnet, I'd not have emptied the bottles for a start, that's disgusting. I think it's time you put your foot down, he's a grown adult. Was he not ashamed? You should absolutely sell up and live by the sea.

All the best for your cancer treatment.

My DD has made my life better. I was a very self destructive person before I had her. I took quite a lot of recreational drugs and binge drinking has always been an issue. I stopped the drugs from the moment I found out I was pregnant, but I still binged drank from time to time. In the past year, my DD asked me to stop drinking alcohol full stop after a couple of incidents that she found upsetting. I never saw my drinking as a problem because it was very infrequent but now I have stopped altogether I realise that it is definitely for the best. I have always worked full time, which I think helps massively with the ‘drudgery’ because I never experienced that side of things. Because I only saw her for a few hours a day in the week plus weekends, every minute felt fun and precious. I don’t think it would have done if I had been a full time Mum. And fortunately I have always had some money to do things with her and eat out and go to activities which I think really helps too as time passes quickly when you are busy and having fun. I love child centred activities like play centres and theme parks and farms etc so I genuinely enjoyed all the things we did together as much as she did. I totally understand why the experience will differ hugely for different families and I do appreciate how lucky I have been in many ways. My partner is another story but having my relationship with my DD also took the sting out of how hard things with him have been. I think being loved so much by my DD makes everything and anything else bearable and that is part of why I have zero regrets. I am not sure where I would be without her.

I find this so sad. Never wanted a child ended up with 3!!! Bloody hard work and spent the last 18 years knackered. Would not swap it for anything. I’ve done so many things I wouldn’t have if I’d not had 3 boys, I’ve laughed so much and been overwhelmed by the feelings I have for them. I look at my eldest and wonder how I am responsible for this fabulous adult. I look at all 3 with amazement that my husband and I are responsible for these great people. Yes it’s been tough and boy have I hit rock bottom at times but would I change it ? No not a moment.
If you’re pregnant good luck you’re in for the ride of your life, go with your instinct and do what makes you and your child happy ignore the mood hooverers. I wish I was starting call over again it’s been the best thing I’ve ever done.

This thread makes me really sad, and not in a judgy way, as I 100% get that everyones circumstances are different. (especially for those with children who have additional needs, for whom mothers tend to bare the brunt of the extra load)

But to hear that 30% would take back having their kids...that just makes me sad.
I had mine at 35/37
Was life easier before. yep
Did i have more money and freedom.
Did i sleep 8 and a half hrs sleep every night. yep
Am i knackered always. yep
Is two toddlers unrelenting and stressful yep.

If i could go back would all that outweigh the joy they bring. Hell no.

I would love to know, how many of those who would go back, had been around young kids, enough to know what it might be like or whether it was a total shock to the system?? Toddlers are hardcore work, but they certainly do joy and love of life better than most grown ups!

I don't regret them but I wish I could have had the same children with a different husband (which obviously isn't biologically possible). It's very hard, met a group of blokes who were friends with each other, all pretty similar, in good jobs, nice seeming guys.

I married one of them, he had all the markings of a great dad. Turns out he thinks being a great dad is doing all the high profile stuff that his friends notice then doesn't bother with all the actual parenting stuff.

Then he started an affair at work whilst I was pregnant with the last one and recently left to be with her, apparently actually she's his soul mate, not me.

I do wonder how I got it so wrong when all those other blokes from that friendship group seem to be so much more hands on, and didn't start screwing other women and stuff.

So, long winded way of saying that I think a big part of whether you regret having kids is whether you pick the right partner for having kids with, but my example shows that it's not actually that easy to tell.

Those regretting it, are you at toddler/ young child stage? Yes it's still a challenge with teens and young adults but as a couple you get to sleep again and go out/ go away so it is easier . Just a thought .

@OliviaBenson

Do women still feel that societal pressure or expectation that they should have kids?

Childfree by choice here and yes there is huge pressure. I get asked a lot why I don't want kids, and I hate to say it but I get more judgement from other women. Childfree threads on here show that- I've been told I don't know true love etc etc.

I'm always surprised people don't think about it more. Especially in the world we live in at the moment. And you see the threads on here where women have multiple children to a partner that clearly was poor even before children.

I worry about this with my daughter. She is only 14 but already talks about the future - where she might live, her future job, what she will call her kids.

I have made clear to her that she should never feel like she HAS to live a certain way to fit into the boxes society might expect her to.
Not that she owes me a damned thing but as her mother I have no expectation of her to be a Mum some day, I hope she gets to be an adult for a long time before she makes the choice whether to. I hope she gets to plan and choose with a loving partner but if she is happy alone then good for her. I just want her to be happy and content whatever that looks like. Whatever happens I will be her biggest cheerleader.

I don't regret my children, I do regret some of my choices.

Life was simpler without them but definitely not better. They cause me anxiety and stress, I worry about them constantly and I’m often not as patient as I once was. But life with them is far better than anything could have ever been without them. They are the best thing that I’ve ever done without a doubt.

I'm always surprised people don't think about it more. Especially in the world we live in at the moment. And you see the threads on here where women have multiple children to a partner that clearly was poor even before children

Very true. I am glad young women see it as a choice and not a natural commitment.

@Silverflute

My mum told me the same thing as yours. So I never had children. I am approaching 70 and have never regretted it. My life hadn’t been selfish as those with children might say. It’s been a full life . My friends that haven’t had children are happy. My friends that have had children are happy also, but say if they had their life over they wouldn’t have any. I never comment on that because I don’t know. The important thing perhaps is to live the life you choose with few regrets.

Glad it's working for you. I'm very happy childfree; so are my sister & several friends. Had a rich life of travel, creativity, meeting interesting people and other pursuits.

@dancingindungarees - I’m the same. My eldest will need lifelong care. He’s an adult already and I think and worry about him constantly even when we’re getting respite I watch the phone constantly waiting for it to ring . I look at couples our age enjoying life now their children are older and am so envious. I worry my other children will feel responsible for him when we’re gone. Yes I regret having children.

I tell DD she has a choice with everything spread her wings. after she finishes college
I wouldn't directly say don't have DC they're awful for one they are not awful but I wouldn't want her to feel having a DC is bad or I regret her.
It isn't, I don't.
She's only 12 nothing to be concerned with yet.

You know what, it's really helped reading all of these. I love my daughter to bits but do regret having a child. I did have some post natal depression when she was born which people kept putting my regret down to but honestly I still think it. I just don't talk about it anymore because my family automatically think I'm still depressed!

I'm adamant I'm not having another but again family keep telling me I will change my mind (nope!) And that it's cruel to only have one child because she will be lonely....