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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That son pays for his own meal while younger siblings don't.

215 replies

mindsboggled · 09/08/2020 21:26

I have 3 sons 2 youngest with dh and older son from previous relationship.
My son(19) is now working and earns as much as dh (same job)
When we went out for a meal my dh paid but expected my son to pay his own way.

Ds feels this is because he is not biologically his and he's feeling left out.
Dh sees this as 2 grown men earning the same while he has all the bills to pay and younger sons to pay for so he should pay his own.

I didn't know this was the case as it was my birthday meal so I wasn't paying but I would have paid for all my sons if I was.

Was it unreasonable to expect my eldest to pay as he's earning or was he right to feel left out?

For context they have a very good relationship and dh always does a lot for ds.

OP posts:
MummytoCSJH · 09/08/2020 21:32

I think he should've paid for DS as it was a planned birthday meal not just 'fancy going out for tea?' type thing. Amount he earns is irrelevant in this case, it was a family meal out and DH has excluded one child, I can see how DS would possibly feel it was because he isn't biologically his even if it isn't true.

Moonfig · 09/08/2020 21:33

Wow thats mean. Yep, your DH is in the wrong - it was a birthday meal!

shinyredbus · 09/08/2020 21:34

DH is being unreasonable and mean.

PurpleDaisies · 09/08/2020 21:34

I can totally understand why your son wasn’t very happy.

CurlyMango · 09/08/2020 21:34

Oh that’s sad, should have paid for all for your birthday special meal out

Wankerchief · 09/08/2020 21:35

Id pay the son back, it was a birthday meal, he must of felt lesser Sad

QuizzlyBear · 09/08/2020 21:35

IMO if it was your DH taking everyone out for your birthday, he should have paid for everyone. If it was a regular 'pop out for a meal' thing, your DS should be offering to pay his way, though.

Purpleartichoke · 09/08/2020 21:36

When I was in university my parents always paid for dinner. They also paid for the first couple of years I was out of school and working.

Bellabluea · 09/08/2020 21:37

It really depends. Is money tight? I have a 24 year old ds and 22 year old dd plus younger ones. Sometimes I’ll pay for them but if we’re going out and I can’t afford to pay for them all I’ll invite them but say sorry you’ll have to pay for yourself!
They’re both in graduate jobs, DS still lives with me and I’m a single parent so I think it’s reasonable.

VodselForDinner · 09/08/2020 21:38

Your poor son Sad

Oilyoilyoilgob · 09/08/2020 21:38

I think your husband should’ve probably said to your son before the meal “my shout to this meal for you as we’re out as a group for your mums birthday” that way I guess your husband has let him know it’s his treat due to a special occasion.

I personally think it’s a bit tight and would’ve made your son feel very separate to the rest of you 😕

Pittapitta · 09/08/2020 21:38

Yeah he should have paid for your son and when he refused to you should have stepped in and paid for your 19yo.

tinytemper66 · 09/08/2020 21:39

Your husband is a tight shit and is treating your oldest son differently. Not nice

m0therofdragons · 09/08/2020 21:39

We went out with my parents for lunch today and my dad paid... I’m 38! I offered to get drinks but mum said no they were paying. It’s odd to not pay for 19yo when going out as a family.

katy1213 · 09/08/2020 21:40

Does your son ever take you for a meal?

RedHelenB · 09/08/2020 21:41

Maybe as your son is now an adult earning the same as him, he thought it was time he acted like one and paid his way? As long as your younger sobs get treated the sane when they're earning I don't see the problem,

Thehop · 09/08/2020 21:42

That’s shitty, he should have paid for them all at a birthday meal for mum

mamaoffourdc · 09/08/2020 21:42

This is really sad - your poor son x

Giraffe888 · 09/08/2020 21:43

For a birthday meal your DH should have definitely paid for him

Hairthrowaway · 09/08/2020 21:44

I’m guessing they’re both on a low income? Is that his justification? He’s definitely excluding your son though, regardless of his reasoning

CoRhona · 09/08/2020 21:44

If I were your son I would never come out on a meal with you all again.

AbbieFB · 09/08/2020 21:44

I think it was a horrible thing to do to your son, especially given the occasion.

Chloemol · 09/08/2020 21:44

Your husband is being unreasonable. It was a birthday meal, therefore all should have been paid for. If it was a Sunday meal on a whim or something then yes perhaps your son should pay his way if he came, but is he likely to come to meals other than for special occasions?

I would be giving him back the money and telling your dh he is out of order

BluebellForest836 · 09/08/2020 21:45

No reason your DH and DS couldn’t of gone half’s it’s DS is earning just as much!

imissthesouth · 09/08/2020 21:45

DH is being unreasonable, I'd of paid for him even if I earned less. It would be unfair to expect him to pay for himself whilst paying for the others

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