That son pays for his own meal while younger siblings don't.

[mindsboggled]

I have 3 sons 2 youngest with dh and older son from previous relationship.
My son(19) is now working and earns as much as dh (same job)
When we went out for a meal my dh paid but expected my son to pay his own way.

Ds feels this is because he is not biologically his and he's feeling left out.
Dh sees this as 2 grown men earning the same while he has all the bills to pay and younger sons to pay for so he should pay his own.

I didn't know this was the case as it was my birthday meal so I wasn't paying but I would have paid for all my sons if I was.

Was it unreasonable to expect my eldest to pay as he's earning or was he right to feel left out?

For context they have a very good relationship and dh always does a lot for ds.

I honestly don't think I have ever, ever paid a meal out when I have been out with my mum, dad or stepdad, except when it has been their birthday and I have specifically said "I'd like to take you out for a meal for your birthday/special celebration".

Honestly, my stepdad won't even let me pay for a McDonald's and I am a 28 year old woman that is earning more than him.

My brother is his biological child and I'm obviously not and I can categorically say he would never ever treat us any differently and if he was paying for one, he would be paying for both.

I think it's totally out of order from you DH, no wonder your son was offended. I'd be speaking to DH and asking him to give DS the money back and that he explains his reasoning behind it to your DS but has realised this was an error of judgement.

I think your dh was pretty mean. But I also remember how proud my ds was the first time he paid to take me out for Mother’s Day (in a coffee shop, he was 16 and in his first part time job - he even insisted on paying for his little brother too) so I do think your ds could have offered a contribution.

I think unless it had been discussed with your ds prior to the meal it was an appalling move. If my partner did this to my eldest who is not biologicaly his I would be furious. I'm guessing there are also other things that happen making your son feel pushed out too.

For me it depends was it "shall we take your mum out for dinner for her birthday" or "this year at your mum's birthday meal you'll be paying for yourself"

It doesn't seem like it was done with good intentions. Not his son, already earning the same as him...

@ColdTattyWaitingForSummer

I think your dh was pretty mean. But I also remember how proud my ds was the first time he paid to take me out for Mother’s Day (in a coffee shop, he was 16 and in his first part time job - he even insisted on paying for his little brother too) so I do think your ds could have offered a contribution.

Bit different. Bet it was your son's idea.

OP, what did you say to your husband? Did you go along with it?

If his own kids were grown up and earning, your husband would probably have paid for them.

No I don’t think it’s right. On my Dads birthday my step mum always pays for her sons meal, on her birthday my dad pays for all of us. Even if it’s not intentional it builds resentment.

I think your son should have offered at least. He is earning the same and has less out goings I assume.

I'm the oldest child. My stepdad treats me like his own. Our household income is about the same as my parents, and when I snuck off to pay for the last meal we all had, the next day half of it appeared in my bank account because dad wouldn't hear of it... and that's in my mid 30s

@MummytoCSJH

Makes me wonder if there's any chance your DH is annoyed that his 19yo step son earning the same amount as him so young?

I agree. And I assume they must work int he same place, or how else would your husband know what your son earns?

Also you comment about your husband paying all the bills, does your son live at home, does he contribute to the household now that he is earning?

It really sounds like your husband resents him

@Mummyoflittledragon he does live at home and does pay his board, although only £25 a week as he likes to buy his own food and have what he fancies now instead of a hot cooked meal but that fits his social life as he likes to eat on the go.

Personally- I'd have thrown an absolute wobbler. I'd honestly leave my partner if he ever pulled that with my son. That's just so mean. Poor kid must have felt so bad about that.

Your husband should have paid for the whole family. It was a family treat.

Your husband seems like a nasty petty man and I am pretty sure he would not of done that to either of his biological children. Your poor son, how ostracised must he of felt. I would be rethinking my life choices.

Your DH is a knob. Only you if it's because he normally treats your son differently, or if he's just really tight. Both are an issue.

Mean as dyke water.
And jealous.
Horrible man.

From your dhs perspective I can see £108 pcm doesn’t sound like very much in comparison to everything he / you have to pay. It’s very unfair he didn’t give a heads up or talk to your ds first.

It probably would have seemed fairer to your son if there had been other working adults at the meal. You got paid for because it was your birthday, and your other sons got paid for because they are children/in full time education. If you had had a sibling there too then presumably your husband would have expected them to pay for themselves?

I know your son is a very young adult (I didn’t start working full time until I was 22, so perhaps I might have felt differently at 19) but I don’t really understand why he assumed that he would be paid for? My sister was still at school when I was 22, I never thought it unfair that I had to pay for certain things and she didn’t, because she didn’t have any money!

It’s mean because your eldest was the only one he didn’t pay for. That singles him out.

They way he went about that is awful, and such double standards.

This is sad - and must have made your son feel awful. There may be other times when your son (now that he can afford it) pays for half or treats you all - although I’d expect that to be less common since there’s four of you - but of course your husband should have paid for him in this case!

Dh is totally wrong here! I'd be upset by it.

I think in this case your DH should have paid for everyone. But I think your DS needs to learn to be an adult and put his hand in his pocket now he is earning. As soon as I had a full Time job I started paying for
Myself and for My mum!

I have 2 adult sons living at home. We always go out as a family with dh who is their stepdad for any of our birthdays and dh always pays. Occasionally one of my sons who works morning shifts and so finishes work at 2pm offers to take me out for lunch and treats me. Occasionally the other son treats us all to a Chinese takeaway on a Friday night if he is not going out with friends. When dh married me i told him me and my children come as a package, take me and take them too. He would never leave them out. Your husband sounds horrible and he is making your son feel different to his own children. That is not nice and I would be very wary to make sure your son is provided for in your will in case your dh leaves him out and leaves everything to his own sons.