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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That son pays for his own meal while younger siblings don't.

215 replies

mindsboggled · 09/08/2020 21:26

I have 3 sons 2 youngest with dh and older son from previous relationship.
My son(19) is now working and earns as much as dh (same job)
When we went out for a meal my dh paid but expected my son to pay his own way.

Ds feels this is because he is not biologically his and he's feeling left out.
Dh sees this as 2 grown men earning the same while he has all the bills to pay and younger sons to pay for so he should pay his own.

I didn't know this was the case as it was my birthday meal so I wasn't paying but I would have paid for all my sons if I was.

Was it unreasonable to expect my eldest to pay as he's earning or was he right to feel left out?

For context they have a very good relationship and dh always does a lot for ds.

OP posts:
MadameMinimes · 09/08/2020 22:22

I think that was really horrible of him. I’m the oldest of 3 children and my parents never would have done this when I was 19. Once we were all old enough to be earning then we would all pay our way. Since I’ve been working I’ve taken my parents and treated them or split the bill with them without my siblings but before my siblings were old enough to pay their way meals all together were always my parents’ treat.

Redbirds · 09/08/2020 22:23

I think this is really unpleasant behaviour from your husband. This was not the occasion for expecting your son to contribute. I'm sure as a mum this must have hurt and spoiled your evening. You need to speak to your husband about it.

DonLewis · 09/08/2020 22:23

That was shitty on the part of your DH.

Did he spring it on him in the restaurant? Or did he know beforehand that his stepdad was treating the rest of the family to a special birthday meal and not him?

Intelinside57 · 09/08/2020 22:23

"I'm not even going to pretend to be polite - I think you should be ashamed." Could try reading Op's post though. She wasn't aware that this had happened at the time.

justilou1 · 09/08/2020 22:24

Wow... your DH is an arsehole. He’s making it very clear how he feels about your eldest DS’s place in the family now.

Lucky2Be · 09/08/2020 22:24

If we take away the fact he isnt his biogical son, would he have paid for him or got him to pay for his own?
That's the question I'd be asking him.

vanillandhoney · 09/08/2020 22:25

That's awful.

Your DH was a dick.

ConkerGame · 09/08/2020 22:26

Omg that’s awful of your DH! Who pays for some of their kids and not others?! I’ve never heard of that happening to anyone! Shock

If you’re on the breadline to the point you can’t afford to pay for him too for a special occasion then you shouldn’t be going to a place like that or just you and DH should’ve gone. Especially nasty to spring it on him as a surprise.

Hamm87 · 09/08/2020 22:26

Your dh is a mean twat

crowsfeet57 · 09/08/2020 22:26

My children are all adults and two earn more than me and dh. If we invite them out, we pay. If they invite us, we offer to pay at least half.

MoonlightMusings · 09/08/2020 22:28

DH is in the wrong and I don’t blame your son for being upset over it

copperoliver · 09/08/2020 22:28

What a greedy man over the price of a meal. That would put me right off of him. I agree with your son I don't think it's because they earn the same your son is being treated differently and he knows it. What a horrible man. I would not stand for him being treated differently you are a package. X

JazzaGal · 09/08/2020 22:29

It depends on your financial circumstances.

As your DS is earning the same it would have been nice for him to offer.

With my siblings we tend to split the bill by the adults, even though my siblings DC are in their 20s and my are young teens.

FaceOfASpink · 09/08/2020 22:29

It's your birthday. Why is your DH making difficulties about who pays for what and spoiling your treat. Ew.

BitOfFun · 09/08/2020 22:30

@VodselForDinner

Your poor son Sad
Oh come ON, it's hardly abuse!
Original poster
mindsboggled · 09/08/2020 22:32

Sorry for the long silence.
I'm taking everyone's thoughts on board and seeing it for what it seems to be.

@Lucky2Be I did ask him that and he said he'd expect them to all pay their way once they are adults, although he's happy to have a meal out on his own parents pension because they wouldn't dream of accepting a contribution.

OP posts:
SeasonFinale · 09/08/2020 22:32

It takes quite a lot to shock me but that is frankly disgusting

Smallgoon · 09/08/2020 22:33

I don't think it was unreasonable of your DH at all. If I were DS, I would have wanted to contribute towards my mum's birthday dinner, especially if I was earning the same as my stepdad.

HeckyPeck · 09/08/2020 22:33

I think people are being overdramatic here.

Why not get your DH to explain to your DS that it was because he’s earning a full wage and nothing to do with biology and that when the next oldest is in the same boat they’ll be paying for their own meals too?

HeckyPeck · 09/08/2020 22:35

@mindsboggled

Sorry for the long silence. I'm taking everyone's thoughts on board and seeing it for what it seems to be.

@Lucky2Be I did ask him that and he said he'd expect them to all pay their way once they are adults, although he's happy to have a meal out on his own parents pension because they wouldn't dream of accepting a contribution.

Surely that’s what you tell your son then and end of the drama.

It’s age not biology 🤷🏻‍♀️

Pixxie7 · 09/08/2020 22:36

It sounds as if your husband is jealous of course your son should not have had to pay.

Lucky2Be · 09/08/2020 22:36

@mindsboggled

Sorry for the long silence. I'm taking everyone's thoughts on board and seeing it for what it seems to be.

@Lucky2Be I did ask him that and he said he'd expect them to all pay their way once they are adults, although he's happy to have a meal out on his own parents pension because they wouldn't dream of accepting a contribution.

Then I don't think your husband is in the wrong. He clearly has a good relationship and see's your son as his!
LouisBalfour · 09/08/2020 22:38

My eldest is 21 and has a graduate job and is paid relatively well.

I would never in a million years expect him to chip in for a family meal out.

If my parents invite us out - they pay. It would be insulting to them if we offered to pay for our meals.

I can't believe how mercenary some parents are on here.

BoomBoomsCousin · 09/08/2020 22:38

In general, if he's earning as much as your DH and doesn't have any responsibilities I can see why he might be expected to pay his way when eating out. But in the birthday meal situation you describe I think that's mean and unwelcoming.

If your DH had said to your DS "How about we take the whole family out for a meal for your mums birthday and split it? What sort of budget can you afford and where do you think she'd like to go?" that would have been more of a coming together as a family and treating your son as an adult with a grown up role in the family. But what he did was just Othering him.

Hard to know if a one off is an example of him treating your son differently because he's not your DH's or if that's the way he'd treat his own son's too. You'd need to look at other things he does to make a more educated guess at that. But I can see why your DS would feel that way.

Smallgoon · 09/08/2020 22:38

There's a lot of reactionary, nasty comments in this thread. Would it be any different if all 3 were his biological children...? I do wonder if the responses would have been different if OP had omitted the part about ds19 being stepchild.

All I see is a parent trying to instil the notion that teens should start paying their way, once they start earning money. I wouldn't resent my siblings having their meal paid for if they were not working, whereas I had a job.

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