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AIBU?

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Original poster

That son pays for his own meal while younger siblings don't.

215 replies

mindsboggled · 09/08/2020 21:26

I have 3 sons 2 youngest with dh and older son from previous relationship.
My son(19) is now working and earns as much as dh (same job)
When we went out for a meal my dh paid but expected my son to pay his own way.

Ds feels this is because he is not biologically his and he's feeling left out.
Dh sees this as 2 grown men earning the same while he has all the bills to pay and younger sons to pay for so he should pay his own.

I didn't know this was the case as it was my birthday meal so I wasn't paying but I would have paid for all my sons if I was.

Was it unreasonable to expect my eldest to pay as he's earning or was he right to feel left out?

For context they have a very good relationship and dh always does a lot for ds.

OP posts:
BellaVita · 09/08/2020 21:45

Your DH was being very unreasonable.

Your poor DS.

lydia7986 · 09/08/2020 21:45

Your poor ds.

Your Dh clearly doesn’t view him as an equal part of the family, and it doesn’t sound like he has much respect for you either - he’s treating family money as his money.

YgritteSnow · 09/08/2020 21:45

If I take my kids out I pay for all of them no matter how old they are.

Your DH is being an arse.

Guiltypleasures001 · 09/08/2020 21:46

My dh who sees my son 21 as his, thinks that was a shit thing to do

If short of cash, then just you two go for a meal, that was really bad form

Nacreous · 09/08/2020 21:46

I would expect you guys to pay for him but for him to offer to pay for your lunch when you're out sometime without 4 other people.

Obviously it's great he's earning and it depends on everyone's situations, but I know when I was first earning I was saving desperately for a house deposit etc, so my parents would often pay if they had arranged dinner out. Now I've bought a house, I'm more likely to treat them than the other way round. If things are very tight it's a different story of course.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 09/08/2020 21:46

On a Birthday your DH should have paid for everyone if he was paying. The whole "you work so can pay your own way" is unkind in that situation.

steff13 · 09/08/2020 21:50

If I take my kids out I pay for all of them no matter how old they are.

Same here.

Does your husband resent that your son earns the same as him? I assume your husband is considerably older than 19 and had been working longer.

funinthesun19 · 09/08/2020 21:51

Ds feels this is because he is not biologically his and he's feeling left out.

Oh he can’t play that card all through his life. It’s got nothing to do with that.

Dh sees this as 2 grown men earning the same while he has all the bills to pay and younger sons to pay for so he should pay his own.

I understand this logic. Some families do do things this way once adult children are earning their own money. Some don’t. My dad will still pay for me and I’m 30. But then my ex’s parents expects everyone to pay for themselves. Neither way is wrong.

But your ds is being silly and hysterical throwing the whole biology thing it.

Ginger1982 · 09/08/2020 21:52

I think that was pretty shitty of your DH to be honest, especially as it was a birthday meal. Does your DH feel touchy about the fact your son earns the same as he does?

OnceUponAPotato · 09/08/2020 21:52

Your DH should have paid, unless there’s been a proper mature conversation about your DS paying his way now (even then, for a birthday meal I’d expect DH to pay). Given he’s not DS’s father he should be thinking about how his actions come across, I imagine he’s thinking that he’s treating him the same as he would his own son, but the reality is sometimes you need to treat people differently in order that they are equal.

rvby · 09/08/2020 21:53

Wow!! My dm still tries to pay for my meals out and I have out earned her for decades now...

Is your dh usually vile to your DS? This sounds so very calculated, like he really wanted to hurt him and prove a point.

SaltyAndFresh · 09/08/2020 21:54

@BluebellForest836

No reason your DH and DS couldn’t of gone half’s it’s DS is earning just as much!
Why should OP's son fork out half the bill? Neither of my step-parents would ever have done this to me OP. Does he resent your son's financial management in general?
user1487194234 · 09/08/2020 21:55

I always pay for adult DC if it is our invite

LastInTheQueue · 09/08/2020 21:56

I think there’s more to this. How has their relationship been before?

Personally though, if I was going out for a meal on my mum’s birthday and was earning the same as my mum’s partner, I would at least offer to go halves. He is a wage earning adult and it wasn’t his birthday.

SquirtleSquad · 09/08/2020 21:56

DH is an arse

Rosebel · 09/08/2020 21:56

Your husband was unreasonable. If it had just been a meal out it's fair enough but for a birthday meal he should have paid for everyone. If money was tight he should have warned your son beforehand that he'd have to contribute. It sounds like your husband doesn't see your son as part of the family.
Please stand up for him or it could ruin your relationship. I would actually ask your husband how he views your son and how he would feel if your son bought a meal for everyone except him.

MumsyMumIAmNot · 09/08/2020 21:57

Your DH is singling your son out it's cruel. If he was expected to pay he should gave been told before hand. Is your DH a bit put out that a teen earns the same as him? I assume your DH does not like your son.

Waveysnail · 09/08/2020 21:57

Dh is wrong. Hope ds got you a nice pressie though and contributes to the house!

pointythings · 09/08/2020 21:58

That's mean spirited of your DH. It was a family meal for your birthday - and you are your DS' mother. I completely understand why your DS feels left out.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 09/08/2020 21:58

I have a 19 year old, a 16 year old and a 9 year old. I can’t imagine a time when I would invite any kid my children for a meal and not pay for them. Your DH was mean.

Smallsteps88 · 09/08/2020 21:59

Your DH is a nasty dickhead.

DarkHelmet · 09/08/2020 21:59

That's just sad. Your pour DS.

DishingOutDone · 09/08/2020 22:00

I'm not even going to pretend to be polite - I think you should be ashamed. How awful your boy must have felt. My oldest DD is 19 and the thought of anyone doing that to her makes me feel a bit sick.

Unless you are desperately short of money and it had all been agreed beforehand, you need to step up and sort this out. How long has this man been in your son's life? Please don't tell us you've been enabling this for years?

MumsyMumIAmNot · 09/08/2020 22:00

Hope you stuck up for him OP and told your DH to stop being a dick.

IncrediblySadToo · 09/08/2020 22:01

Shitty thing to do, especially for your birthday meal.

Doesn't matter your DH's 'justification' what matters is how he made your eldest feel.

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