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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That son pays for his own meal while younger siblings don't.

215 replies

mindsboggled · 09/08/2020 21:26

I have 3 sons 2 youngest with dh and older son from previous relationship.
My son(19) is now working and earns as much as dh (same job)
When we went out for a meal my dh paid but expected my son to pay his own way.

Ds feels this is because he is not biologically his and he's feeling left out.
Dh sees this as 2 grown men earning the same while he has all the bills to pay and younger sons to pay for so he should pay his own.

I didn't know this was the case as it was my birthday meal so I wasn't paying but I would have paid for all my sons if I was.

Was it unreasonable to expect my eldest to pay as he's earning or was he right to feel left out?

For context they have a very good relationship and dh always does a lot for ds.

OP posts:
Yeahnahmum · 10/08/2020 04:29

You dh is an arsehole. A big one.
I hope to God you stuck up for your son!!

blacktanwhite · 10/08/2020 07:20

@DishingOutDone and @Smallgoon not everyone uses this site in the same way you do but that doesn't make their engagement with it reportable. There are many threads where OPs don't respond much, maybe they got what they needed from the early responses. I change name regularly because I'm a serial self outer

SteelyPanther · 10/08/2020 07:23

He should have paid for your son.
I hope YOU have made a will and are not expecting your DH to ‘do the right thing’.

FinnyStory · 10/08/2020 07:29

I think DH should have paid for this celebration meal but DS should be making a far more substantial contribution to the household and occasionally treating the rest of you.

justanotherneighinparadise · 10/08/2020 07:56

I’m not sure your DH should have paid actually. When I was a similar age I took my mum out for dinner and I paid. I guess the thing he should have done is said to your son that he was taking you out for a meal alongside the children and he was welcome to join you all if he wished. Then it was your son’s choice and he had the freedom to say no and do something else. If you get roped into a family event that you’d rather not go to THEN find out you’re expected to pay into the bargain I suspect you’d be a bit pissed off.

CorianderLord · 10/08/2020 08:05

My parents still pay for my meals when out and I'm 25! I usually buy a round of drinks and that's it.

Bluntness100 · 10/08/2020 08:11

Is there other situations where your husband treats your eldest son unfavourably compared to his two. I’m going to guess there is.

I feel sorry for your son. You know what your husband did wasn’t ok.

Either this is an issue because he isn’t his, or he in some way resents the fact your son earns as he does when he’s so much older.

justanotherneighinparadise · 10/08/2020 08:13

Or of course he’s treating him like another grown adult and expecting him to pay his way. Only OP can answer this really. She’s with them everyday and knows the family dynamic.

Gobbycop · 10/08/2020 08:26

I think your husband should have paid to be honest, the older son has been excluded a bit.

Then your son could have bought him a beer or something, give and take.

Mintjulia · 10/08/2020 08:35

Wow, what a horrible thing to do.

I’d leave the husband at home next time and spend your birthday with your sons.

WestCountryLady · 10/08/2020 08:38

I don't think expecting a grown up to pay his way in life is being an arsehole.
Especially for 19 he sounds like he has a bit of growing up to do.
If he chooses to sort out his own meals at home and buy his own food then he's not paying a food contribution to the household so for that I agree with where dh was coming from.

However if it's a case of not having enough money to pay for all the family then this should have been considered before creating more mouthes to feed as your dc was here first.

Emmmie · 10/08/2020 08:45

Your husband is in the wrong. I feel bad for your DS.

HalfTermHalfTerm · 10/08/2020 08:51

I’m not really sure why it’s hugely relevant that it’s a birthday dinner? It wasn’t the son’s birthday!

I wouldn’t have expected him to pay anything towards the children, but to be honest it might have been nice if he’d offered to pay half for his mum too. In my house and my circle of friends if you go out for a birthday meal (unless the birthday person has made it very clear that they’re paying) then everyone pays for themselves and we split the cost of the person person between the rest of us.

I’d be really interested to see if all the responses saying that your son has been so hard done by would be the same if he were 25 and still feeling put out that his stepfather didn’t pay for him.

BlueJava · 10/08/2020 08:54

I think it's insulting to invite people out for a birthday meal then expect one of them to pay. It's extremely mean and nasty if the one that pays is the DS of the birthday lady. Personally I'd treat all my sons and pay for their meal whether they were earning, step sons, whatever.

pasturesgreen · 10/08/2020 08:58

Your DH's behaviour is bound to breed long-lasting resentment in your DS.

It would have been different if they had discussed it beforehand and agree to split the bill between them as a treat, but as it was, to treat everyone else but leave your DS to fend for himself was mean and hartful.

AlwaysLatte · 10/08/2020 09:02

When we have a birthday meal out with my grown up stepsons (30s) and their girlfriends we always pay for everyone. It's petty and unfriendly otherwise. If we couldn't afford it we'd make a fuss of everyone at home instead rather than go down the route of paying for some and not others.

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 10/08/2020 09:06

It takes quite a lot to shock me but that is frankly disgusting

Bloody hell, that's a bit of an over-reaction!

justanotherneighinparadise · 10/08/2020 09:09

This is where the Mumsnet hive-mind can’t seem to sort its shit out. On the one hand you have the majority opinion that teenagers should be treated like adults and allowed privacy and a sex life but at 19 and earning the same wage as the bill payer this adult should be treated as a child.

It’s perplexing.

LavaLamp5566 · 10/08/2020 09:33

Why did you allow your husband to exclude your son? It was a birthday meal, not a "Lets go out, I cant be bothered to cook" meal.

If I were your child and that had happened to me, I wouldn't be coming out again as its obvious there's some underlying issues

Nanny0gg · 10/08/2020 09:35

@justanotherneighinparadise

This is where the Mumsnet hive-mind can’t seem to sort its shit out. On the one hand you have the majority opinion that teenagers should be treated like adults and allowed privacy and a sex life but at 19 and earning the same wage as the bill payer this adult should be treated as a child.

It’s perplexing.

No its not. It was a special occasion. Our family would never split the bill under those circumstances
Toomboom · 10/08/2020 09:38

You DH is wrong, he should have paid for everyone

JoeCalFuckingZaghe · 10/08/2020 09:42

My parents still insist on paying for me and DP if we go out for food with them and DPs parents are the same! Everyone has different boundaries but the fact he still willingly accepts his parents pay for his meals yet insists your DS (and in future his own DS which would be interesting to see if he actually sticks to this) pay for their own meals is hypocritical.

PLEASE the next time you go out with his parents say he has to pay since he feels so strongly about grown up children paying their way. I’d looooove to see his response!

Redcups64 · 10/08/2020 09:42

That’s just wrong on many levels!

“Do you want to join our family, we’re going out for a meal son”

“If it’s a family meal, why would you expect me not to come, I am part of the family”

“Your paying for your own meal”

“Everyone is paying for themselves?”

“No, just you!!”

What a W*^~-R!!

Redcups64 · 10/08/2020 09:45

Sounds like your husband has a stick up his bum that a 19 year old boy earns the same money as him and taking it out on your son.

That says more about your husband than it does your son!

availablename · 10/08/2020 09:47

The issue here is how your son feels not who's right or wrong in this case.
Also the reasoning behind him paying separately.
If the intention wasn't to offend him or ostracise but to treat him as an adult then he can't be responsible for your son reading more into it if it's not the case.
A serious sit down is needed so everyone can explain their perception on things rather than find who's at fault and pass blame.

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