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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That son pays for his own meal while younger siblings don't.

215 replies

mindsboggled · 09/08/2020 21:26

I have 3 sons 2 youngest with dh and older son from previous relationship.
My son(19) is now working and earns as much as dh (same job)
When we went out for a meal my dh paid but expected my son to pay his own way.

Ds feels this is because he is not biologically his and he's feeling left out.
Dh sees this as 2 grown men earning the same while he has all the bills to pay and younger sons to pay for so he should pay his own.

I didn't know this was the case as it was my birthday meal so I wasn't paying but I would have paid for all my sons if I was.

Was it unreasonable to expect my eldest to pay as he's earning or was he right to feel left out?

For context they have a very good relationship and dh always does a lot for ds.

OP posts:
Haenow · 09/08/2020 23:33

YANBU. I do think young adults need to learn to contribute and it doesn’t sound like he pays much ‘keep’ so that probably need to be addressed but there’s a time and a place. This was not it!
Plus your husband is a hypocrite for accepting meals from his parents. He should practice what he preaches.

Original poster
mindsboggled · 09/08/2020 23:36

@DishingOutDone I have name changed but this is my regular account but do what you need to do.
I haven't come across the post you mean so can't comment further.

OP posts:
TomBradysLeftKneecap · 09/08/2020 23:37

I think it can get pretty complex once children are adults and earning potentially more than their parents. I would LOVE it if my in laws wouldn't insist on paying every time as we are just as affluent as they are and it's silly!

That said, my kids are all late teens/young adults and I wouldn't dream of making them pay. But there is an obvious inbalance as they are students/on graduates salary.

ButtonMoonLoon · 09/08/2020 23:38

No, that wasn’t okay, and the fact that you even had to ask if it was is the saddest thing about this whole thread.

GabsAlot · 09/08/2020 23:42

it wasnt very nice of him did he even discuss it with him before and anyway it was a birthday meal couldnt he have treated him

GabsAlot · 09/08/2020 23:47

And if you feel hes not paying you enough board discuss that seprately-sounds like your dh isnt happy but dont leave him out like that

willloman · 09/08/2020 23:48

Sounds like your DH is not entirely happy youngster earns as much as him - probably stings a bit. Has your son offered to contribute to household, rent, money for food etc? Probably more this than being a nasty person. I doubt he suddenly dislikes your son, sounds more like wounded pride. But also son should offer to contribute to household. Have a chat - don't let it fester. And be diplomatic. Good luck.

blacktanwhite · 10/08/2020 00:03

OP, did you join just to post about this? I've been on a couple of threads recently where a young person was being treated meanly by adults and the theme always seems similar, and the replies are just enough to keep the thread ticking over but provide no answers. I'm going to report, and if I get told off for troll hunting then so be it.

Why on earth would you report this thread. You absolute busybody. Leave OP be. I've been here 3 years but name change every week

MindfulBear · 10/08/2020 00:03

Ouch. DH was in the wrong. If he wanted to share the bill for a family birthday he should have had a man to man chat about it prior to deciding where to go, rather than springing it on DS during the meal.

Perhaps DH is jealous that DSS earns the same as him, despite the age difference? Or perhaps he just didn't tbink?
Either way it's an easy way to ruin a good relationship.

I hope the 2 of them sort it out.

Smallgoon · 10/08/2020 00:10

Why on earth would you report this thread. You absolute busybody. Leave OP be. I've been here 3 years but name change every week

Why???

DishingOutDone · 10/08/2020 00:35

We are allowed to report things you know @blacktanwhite! They don't send the boys round if you click on the report tab.

OP is not replying to anything much and I've been caught on a similar thread recently. Seems reasonable to me. I think you're a silly sausage.

ellsom · 10/08/2020 00:45

@DishingOutDone have you been drinking this evening?

MummytoCSJH · 10/08/2020 00:48

I know £25 won't be a lot compared to how much the bills are however considering he buys his own food it's not bad as a contribution. If DH is annoyed he earns the same and has less outgoings - well he would have less, given that he's 19 and hasn't moved out yet (almost everyone my age I know - those who don't have children of their own - still live with their parents and I'm 22!) and doesn't have a family yet. So that is neither here nor there in terms of whether he has wrongly excluded a child.

NiceTwin · 10/08/2020 01:02

Well I bet that ruined your birthday!

Mean and horrible thing to do, especially if he dropped this on your ds as the bill arrived
I wouldn't be joining in with family meals again if I was your ds.

namechangetheworld · 10/08/2020 01:20

YaNBU, what a horrible thing to do. I imagine your DS feels a little left out of your 'new' family set up anyway, but this will have made him feel especially unwelcome.

Antipodeancousin · 10/08/2020 01:33

Horrible. He doesn’t consider your son to be a part of his family and has communicated it loud and clear by pulling this stunt. It was your birthday meal - he was taking the family out to celebrate you. You should be angry about this.

OzziePopPop · 10/08/2020 01:36

I’ve always gone with - you invite, you pay - or agree in advance something different.

He (Your DH) was unreasonable therefore if he Organised the meal. If DS organised he should pay unless he discussed with his step dad going halves for example. With his age I wouldn’t expect him to pay for everyone unless he insisted.

Ladybyrd · 10/08/2020 01:48

I wouldn't appreciate DH pulling a trick like that on any day of year,

but particularly not on my birthday. Definitely seems like he was trying to make a point, or just stir up trouble. I'd give DS the money back and tell DH what I thought of him.

My partner has an older child from a previous relationship. I'd be mortified if he did this once she reached this magical age of 19, let alone do it myself.

Frannibananni · 10/08/2020 01:59

Full time Working Adults always pay their own way in our family. Especially if they are on good money.

HopelessSemantics · 10/08/2020 02:04

God, that's mean.

worstwitch18 · 10/08/2020 02:46

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect adult children who work full time to pay their own way at ordinary meals out - as long as the same rules apply as each child turns 18 or gets a full time job or whatever.

But asking him to pay his own way at a family birthday dinner that he had been invited to (rather than organised). That just seems mean. Especially with the added step-parent/child dynamic. Sad

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 10/08/2020 02:51

At the very least your DH should’ve discussed this in advance with your DS. Personally, I’d have paid for everyone.

It does get tricky as DC get older and often have larger incomes than their parents, but 19 is v. young to start doing this. We usually pay if we go out with our parents ( and sometimes cover adult siblings too), but we’re in our 40’s! I think I’ll be be intending to pay for my DC’s meals well into their 20’s, probably longer, although I won’t mind being treated if they offer.

timeisnotaline · 10/08/2020 03:02

19 & living at home I’d pay. And if judge dp for letting his parents buy him meals when he thinks 19 year olds should look after themselves. I wouldn’t be surprised if he thinks of a reason he should pay for kids after all when they are 19.

babydisney · 10/08/2020 03:07

That's awful, yes he's an adult but you two invited him out, your dh was entirely unreasonable and was just being bitter

Oncemorewithfeelin · 10/08/2020 03:47

I would imagine your son will be joining you less for any dinners out now.

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