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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That son pays for his own meal while younger siblings don't.

215 replies

mindsboggled · 09/08/2020 21:26

I have 3 sons 2 youngest with dh and older son from previous relationship.
My son(19) is now working and earns as much as dh (same job)
When we went out for a meal my dh paid but expected my son to pay his own way.

Ds feels this is because he is not biologically his and he's feeling left out.
Dh sees this as 2 grown men earning the same while he has all the bills to pay and younger sons to pay for so he should pay his own.

I didn't know this was the case as it was my birthday meal so I wasn't paying but I would have paid for all my sons if I was.

Was it unreasonable to expect my eldest to pay as he's earning or was he right to feel left out?

For context they have a very good relationship and dh always does a lot for ds.

OP posts:
AliTheMinx · 09/08/2020 22:01

Very mean and unkind of DH. No wonder your DS feels pushed out Sad

Ideasplease322 · 09/08/2020 22:01

Agree, your husband took his wife and children out for your birthday meal. Then told the one child who wasn’t biologically his to pay for his own.

It was mean and graceless. Money and earnings shouldn’t come into it.

I do agree that for other occasions you son could pay his own way, and if they are going to a drink or lunch just the two of them it should be split. But this was a special occasion and your husband soured it.

Grandmi · 09/08/2020 22:01

We all went out for my birthday meal yesterday and it would never have crossed my mind for my two adult children to pay !! Their father paid for all of us !!

itswonkylampshade · 09/08/2020 22:02

This is your DH’s way of making sure your son knows he’s outside the family unit. I’d be very angry with my husband for this... he was totally in the wrong.

Megan2018 · 09/08/2020 22:02

This is awful. Your poor DS. I’ve never heard anything so petty and mean. Appalling way for your DH to behave.

Gingerfish91 · 09/08/2020 22:02

That’s shitty. My husbands daughter regularly comes for meals with us, she’s 30. No way would I/we expect her to Pay for herself !

NC4Now · 09/08/2020 22:03

That’s really horrible. No wonder your son is hurt. He’s been singled out.

itswonkylampshade · 09/08/2020 22:04

This has upset me, actually, as a Mum with an oldest daughter who I had prior to meeting my DH. If he treated her like that I wouldn’t accept it.

I hope you can find it in yourself to do the right thing by your son, here.

newmum332 · 09/08/2020 22:05

Agree with other posters! Inviting him out with you and siblings for an arranged birthday meal , DH should have paid for him. Not surprised your son is feeling left out. I’d give him the money back.

If it was a more general we are popping out for tea do you want to join us, with the upfront understand he has to pay for his own then that’s different.

Pikachubaby · 09/08/2020 22:06

Mean spirited of him, and the damage by the hurt caused so much greater than the value of the money saved

Makes me think badly of your DH

Tiredmum100 · 09/08/2020 22:07

I think your son has every right to be upset. I would see it as "you're not my son why should I pay for you" type attitude. I can't imagine paying for one of my dc amd not the other despite their age. A 19 yeat old just starting out isn't going to be rolling in it. Your dh was in the wrong.

Jellykat · 09/08/2020 22:08

Your DH is separating him from the rest of his siblings, age and earnings are irrelevant, mean!
I pay for my DSs if we go out for a celebration or treat, despite the fact they both earn three times as much as me, its not about who earns what.

Justaboy · 09/08/2020 22:08

What a bloody tighwad he is to have done that!, poor old boy just as well he wasnt BAEM as well the add insult to injury:(

DishingOutDone · 09/08/2020 22:09

Pity you didn't enable voting on here OP. But I don't think you'll be in any doubt after all these comments.

Never mind though, I don't think your son will want to go out with you on your birthday next year and then your DH can keep his hard earned in his pocket.

MushMonster · 09/08/2020 22:10

I think your DH should have paid for the whole meal for a birthday celebration.
If going out in other occassions I would expect your son to offer to pay for some of the bills, especially if he is living with you.

LadyFrumpington · 09/08/2020 22:11

Your DH is mean. Sad
It was a birthday meal and a total dick move on his part

SaltyAndFresh · 09/08/2020 22:11

What would your DH have done if, say, a cousin or one of your parents had joined you? Would they have been expected to pay their own share too?

WaxOnFeckOff · 09/08/2020 22:12

Im with most on here too.

Special birthday meal so normal rules don't apply. either DH pays for everyone or he treats him like a man and discusses upfront about who is treating you and the family, he could have suggested that DS chip in towards it if money is tight, but not asking him to pay his own if that makes sense? So more a "Shall we take your mum out for her birthday? It would help me out if you could chip in something since you are earning and we can say it's a treat from us both"

Normal out for dinner "just because..." then it's okay to expect him, as a wage earning adult, to chip in.

nandaandm · 09/08/2020 22:12

What a shitty thing to do. I hope your husbands sees sense and gives your DS money back

howlathebees · 09/08/2020 22:13

DH is unreasonable

FilthyforFirth · 09/08/2020 22:15

Your poor son. My dad still pays for me when we go out to eat and I'm 35.

Your DH is being very U.

Leobynature · 09/08/2020 22:20

I’m with DH. I think not paying for him because his not biologically his is unfair, however your DH keeps a roof over your sons head and pays all the family bills. DH has set his own boundaries ‘as this grown man earns the same as me with less responsibilities the least he could do it pay for his own meal’. There is no reason not to respect DH’d boundaries given they have a good relationship. It’s also a pity your son didn’t think of how much your DH does for him and paying for a meal is not too much to ask.

WhereamI88 · 09/08/2020 22:21

I'm in my 30s in a very high paying job. He still pays if we go out and no way would he accept me to pay for mum's bday dinner!

RippleEffects · 09/08/2020 22:21

It wasn't the time to raise the point. Your DH should have paid if it hadn't been made clear in advance it was each paying for their own.

It does bring up that an important conversation needs to be had. Whether it's a contribution to a family pot that covers rent/ food/ board, or a fair share of bills like at the restaurant, or you pick up the tab for all.

My eldest, also from previous relationship, is about to start earning a good wage whilst living at home. We've been talking through (DH and I plus DS and I) what that means and it's hard to get your head around. So pocket money will stop, DS will take over his mobile contract and he will pay some money into a family pot as a contribution towards expenses. We'll still pay holidays and meals out but his monthly contribution goes towards that too.

Haffdonga · 09/08/2020 22:22

From what you say here that's really nasty behaviour by your dh. What a horrible person he sounds. Why are you accepting this type of behaviour?

If you invite the family for a meal you just don't pay for everyone except one person regardless of anyone's income.

If you want to share the cost of a meal you agree that beforehand. Hey, DS what about you and me taking your mum out for dinner? I'll pay for X and Y and you just pay for yourself. Everyone happy.

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