That son pays for his own meal while younger siblings don't.

[mindsboggled]

I have 3 sons 2 youngest with dh and older son from previous relationship.
My son(19) is now working and earns as much as dh (same job)
When we went out for a meal my dh paid but expected my son to pay his own way.

Ds feels this is because he is not biologically his and he's feeling left out.
Dh sees this as 2 grown men earning the same while he has all the bills to pay and younger sons to pay for so he should pay his own.

I didn't know this was the case as it was my birthday meal so I wasn't paying but I would have paid for all my sons if I was.

Was it unreasonable to expect my eldest to pay as he's earning or was he right to feel left out?

For context they have a very good relationship and dh always does a lot for ds.

I think this isn't right. He didn't treat your son as part of the family. I don't know what you can do about it? I do get that your ds is earning but it was clearly making a point about how he sees your son.

I agree with @availablename - your son has told you that he feels he has been treated differently because he is the step son, he has been made to feel sad about it.

I come from a family set up very similar to OP's eldest and I would have felt so sad and excluded if this had happened to me. My (step) dad has always treated me equally and stills treats us all equally to nice things, even though we are all adults.

I feel very sad for your son but quite frankly your husband sounds like a right loser, he still allows his parents to pay for his meals and he earns the same as a19 year old boy. What a prize eh?

@Averyyounggrandmaofsix

I feel very sad for your son but quite frankly your husband sounds like a right loser, he still allows his parents to pay for his meals and he earns the same as a19 year old boy. What a prize eh?

Wow bit harsh and quite frankly unnecessary !!!!!

Since it was a birthday meal and If the DH had organised it then he should have paid. Meals out any other time your son should offer to contribute - he's an adult now. His future wife will Thankyou

Wow bit harsh and quite frankly unnecessary !!!!!

I would not have been so "harsh" if it wasn't for his double standards in accepting meals from his parents.

I am surprised by all the responses. I can understand where your DH is coming from. In fact, if your son is earning the same as DH and contributing so little to his living costs, he must have way more disposable cash! I think it would have been nice for him to offer to contribute - at very least to his own meal! He's an earning adult not a child. Shame that this came up on your birthday, but the principle should surely be that DCs start to step up as they become adults rather than assume parents will always be providing even when it isn't necessary anymore?

Your birthday or not,you shouldn't have let that slide.

I don't think your husband should have treated the kids differently. That said, if I had a child who was earning the same as me but was only contributing £25 a week while I paid for house and bills I would not be happy either. Why is your ds contribution so low? I know you say he buys his own food but £100 a month is very little especially when he earns the same as your husband.
Your husband is obviously frustrated by that and I think that is probably what led to this situation.

I don't think your husband should have treated the kids differently

The issue for me is that they aren't all kids. The 19 year old is an adult man and can't expect to be treated the same as small children

Hmm... I think your son could have offered to pay for half the meal as he is now a wage earning man, and would have got a real boost of pride from doing so. But this is his choice to make. Personally I loved being able to treat my parents once I earned a proper way around 20yo.

The bigger issue is that your DH is earning the same as your son, which must be a blow to his pride, and you’re not charging him fair rent so your DH is continuing to sub him

I don't think expecting a grown up to pay his way in life is being an arsehole

Just to clear up any confusion the thread isn’t about expecting someone to pay their way in life, it’s about taking the op out for her birthday dinner and him paying her bill and his two siblings and asking the waiter to segment off the ops son and telling him to pay it himself.

It’s not about general paying your way in life.

And yes, excluding one sons bill is indeed being an arsehole.

I agree with most PP - your DH sounds rather mean and unkind.

No wonder your son feels left out

Completely reasonable to expect him to pay for himself under the right conditions (having had a conversation before going out not just sprung on him!)
We have a rule in our family, if it's your idea, you pay!

I'm seeing this from the POV that it was a family meal to celebrate your birthday, and thus there was an expectation that your son would go. I think when the expectation is put on a child like that (I know he's an adult but he's still your child) they're not really in the position to say no otherwise they'd be accused of not partaking in family life/events. Thus I think you should've paid for him.

However if it was framed 'We're going out for your mum's birthday on wednesday, do you want to come too or are you doing something else?' Then it would be more reasonable, even if not entirely clear.

However I agree with PP that your husband is a hypocrite and that you need to insist he does the same with your other children now otherwise your son will be proved right that it's because he's not bioligically his child.

Dad should have paid for everyone, regardless of age/relationship. If my parents invite us out for a meal then they pay, if we invite them out for a meal then we pay.