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AIBU?

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Original poster

That son pays for his own meal while younger siblings don't.

215 replies

mindsboggled · 09/08/2020 21:26

I have 3 sons 2 youngest with dh and older son from previous relationship.
My son(19) is now working and earns as much as dh (same job)
When we went out for a meal my dh paid but expected my son to pay his own way.

Ds feels this is because he is not biologically his and he's feeling left out.
Dh sees this as 2 grown men earning the same while he has all the bills to pay and younger sons to pay for so he should pay his own.

I didn't know this was the case as it was my birthday meal so I wasn't paying but I would have paid for all my sons if I was.

Was it unreasonable to expect my eldest to pay as he's earning or was he right to feel left out?

For context they have a very good relationship and dh always does a lot for ds.

OP posts:
BonosSigh · 09/08/2020 22:38

Your husband needs to re-think his life choices if he has a family and earns the same amount of money as his 19yo SS working in the same industry. How on earth has he not progressed all this time? And is that part of the issue - does have a chip on his shoulder?

Lucky2Be · 09/08/2020 22:39

@mindsboggled

Sorry for the long silence. I'm taking everyone's thoughts on board and seeing it for what it seems to be.

@Lucky2Be I did ask him that and he said he'd expect them to all pay their way once they are adults, although he's happy to have a meal out on his own parents pension because they wouldn't dream of accepting a contribution.

Oops I didnt read it through. Double standards then!!
Isthisit22 · 09/08/2020 22:39

@Smallgoon

There's a lot of reactionary, nasty comments in this thread. Would it be any different if all 3 were his biological children...? I do wonder if the responses would have been different if OP had omitted the part about ds19 being stepchild.

All I see is a parent trying to instil the notion that teens should start paying their way, once they start earning money. I wouldn't resent my siblings having their meal paid for if they were not working, whereas I had a job.

Utter rubbish. I've never ever been for a family meal where only 1 family member had to pay for themselves. Nasty targeted behaviour from your partner
Tinyhumansurvivalist · 09/08/2020 22:40

@mindsboggled

Sorry for the long silence. I'm taking everyone's thoughts on board and seeing it for what it seems to be.

@Lucky2Be I did ask him that and he said he'd expect them to all pay their way once they are adults, although he's happy to have a meal out on his own parents pension because they wouldn't dream of accepting a contribution.

@mindsboggled you dh is a hypocritical cockwomble. Family meal you pay for everyone.

He didn't single him out for being a grown up or he would have made you pay for yourself. He did it because your oldest ds is not his and is clearly not considered part of his family.

In case it wasn't clear, your dh is a knob.

Frazzled2207 · 09/08/2020 22:40

I could understand if it was just a “normal” meal out if there is such a thing but if it was your birthday meal and presumably you wanted all your children there so your DH was very U not to pay for your eldest DS.

SeasonFinale · 09/08/2020 22:40

Smallgoon - may be for a regular meal out but certainly not their mother's birthday treat!

honeygirlz · 09/08/2020 22:42

I would charge son room and board (£200 - or maybe more if you can save it for him for a future home?) and then DH should have paid for DS too.

Goongoon · 09/08/2020 22:43

As a special occasion, I’d expect him to have paid. At Xmas time I paid for my sister’s family to have a take away with us even thought she earns twice as much as me.
If it was just a Thursday night meal down the pub, then he should pay his own way.

isadorapolly · 09/08/2020 22:43

Dhs parents pay for us and our 7 kids, and their other three sons and their girlfriends everytime we go for a meal!! They won’t hear of anyone paying.

I’d be the same with mine as long as I can afford it.

I feel sad for your son, I can’t believe you sat there and made him pay for his own meal at a family meal out while your dog paid for the rest of you.

Smallgoon · 09/08/2020 22:43

although he's happy to have a meal out on his own parents pension because they wouldn't dream of accepting a contribution.

I too missed this part... this is rather hypocritical of your dh

GrumpyHoonMain · 09/08/2020 22:44

In the same situation I would have paid at the counter before either parent realised. Your DH is absolutely spot on and I would add that your 19 yo should have more emotional intelligence if he’s earning the same as his stepdad but not contributing for anything.

isadorapolly · 09/08/2020 22:44

DH not dog Grin

84claire84 · 09/08/2020 22:45

Your husband was a knob

killerofmen · 09/08/2020 22:48

My dad would never let me pay for a meal and I'm 37. My dad is known for being tight too so your DH is being pretty mean, I think.

DishingOutDone · 09/08/2020 22:48

he's happy to have a meal out on his own parents pension because they wouldn't dream of accepting a contribution

Look, people, please, this is going to go on for ever otherwise and we'll be cancelling cheques till Christmas - this bloke excluded one person at the table, never mind how old or who they are related to, but freely admits to enjoying treats from his own parents just because.

Can the few of you defending him really not see this for what it is?

Badassmama · 09/08/2020 22:50

As soon as my sister and I started working full time we paid for ourselves. If our parents paid for us it was a treat and we sometimes paid for them, because it’s a nice thing to do for your parents.

LizzieBlackwell · 09/08/2020 22:51

I’m going to go against the grain and say your dh is right.

I think it’s really cringey when grown adults don’t even ask if you’d like them to contribute to the bill, like suddenly the are ten years old when they need to put their hands in the pockets.

My eldest is 25 and always puts money on the table towards bills, Some times it goes in to the bill some times it gets told to be put back in the pocket.

He is a grown man. He should be at least trying to offer. You don’t suddenly turn 10 years old when the bill comes out. I think it’s really embarrassing and a clear sign he hasn’t grown up yet or still expects to be treated as ‘one of the kids’

TheSoapyFrog · 09/08/2020 22:51

I kind of thought it was the norm for a working adult child to pay for themselves. I can understand your DS feeling like it was a deliberate exclusion though. My younger brother had his meals paid for by our parents until he started working and there was a time I paid for mine and our parents paid for his.

Bringonspring · 09/08/2020 22:51

Yeap that’s rubbish. I hope it doesn’t go further with your DH being resentful that he earns the same etc

SonjaMorgan · 09/08/2020 22:52

I would expect an adult DC to offer to pay a contribution. We would politely decline and pay for them.

Cissyandflora · 09/08/2020 22:52

My god. I pay for my children. All of them. No matter how old they are or what they earn. This is really sad.

lottiegarbanzo · 09/08/2020 22:52

If your DH organised the meal and asked everyone to come along, he pays. If he and your eldest DS organised it together, as their joint plan to treat you, then there'd be a case for the DS offering to contribute. Even then, it would be mean of your DH to accept it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/08/2020 22:53

Your dh sounds like a hypocrite if he will take from his parents. Does your ds live at home and if so, does he pay a reasonable amount of board?

Viviennemary · 09/08/2020 22:55

I think that's absolutely awful. I'd be thinking do I want to be with a man who deliberately excludes my son like this. I don't think
I would.

MummytoCSJH · 09/08/2020 22:57

Makes me wonder if there's any chance your DH is annoyed that his 19yo step son earning the same amount as him so young?

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