DD's friend - mum asking for childcare

[MrsAbigail]

I work term time. DD's friend mum has asked if I can watch her daughter a couple of days a week during the 6 week holiday  WIBU to day no!

I have 3 dc myself and her dd can be quite challenging and really hard work (I have had her over for tea a few times). I really don't know how to tell mum

I’d just be easy breezy about it, something like “oh no, sorry I will already have my hands full with my 3! Hope you can sort something out!” And then leave it. If she turns CF about you being off work, stone wall her and start repeating “I’ve already said it doesn’t work for me, you will need to make other arrangements” and continue as needed

I think if you don't want to do it you have to say so,and as quickly as possible.Just say no ad don't get into a discussion about it

I think a lot of people will be looking for this type of help over the coming months

Absolutely NOT unreasonable to say no. So rude of her to ask. I'm always gobsmacked by these threads on MN - I've never known anyone to ask such a huge favour and they would hand to be a best friend to even consider it.

And I still wouldn't for 6 weeks!!

If you can’t do it then of course it’s not wrong to say no but do it now and make it clear so there is no confusion.

Lack of holiday provision is going to create a lot of issues for working parents so I don’t blame her for asking but nobody should feel pressured to help

"Sorry but I can't commit to that, three is as much as I can cope with, sorry" should be enough.

@hulahoopqueen answer is perfect use this.

I know it was a bit of a CF request, but all the holiday clubs etc are closer around here so think people are desperate.

What @hulahoopqueen said.

Word for word.
Hold your head up and smile when you tell her. Don’t be apologetic - was she apologetic when she asked?

I work term time, too. I love my job, but the money’s shit. I do this job because it fits around my children, and means we can spend quality time together during the school holidays. I don’t mind taking a financial hit for making that choice, but WOULD mind taking the financial hit & being lumbered with someone else’s child for the privilege.

Having said that, if my daughter wants her friend round, I do try & arrange that for a day that would help out her friend’s mum, work wise.

@OhCobblers

Absolutely NOT unreasonable to say no. So rude of her to ask. I'm always gobsmacked by these threads on MN - I've never known anyone to ask such a huge favour and they would hand to be a best friend to even consider it.

And I still wouldn't for 6 weeks!!

I agree its absolutely fine to say no but please do so quickly ao she can continue to work at finding childcare ASAP.

I have to say I disagree it's cheeky of her to ask. These are unprecedented times, she's quite obviously desperate to work something out.

Most holiday clubs wont be running this year and those that do will be taking significantly smaller numbers.

Many people dont have family such as grandparents to rely on and everyone is looking to utilise childminders etc so I'm not sure why asking a friend who you know won't be at work is cheeky.

I sadly think many families will find themselves in this situation this year and it'll mean lots of ad hoc childcare, children staying home alone or parents having to give up work.

Normally I'd say YANBU, but in the current climate I would assume she is absolutely desperate. I know people who are having to give up their jobs due to lack of summer childcare. If this was one of those situations and I could help but didn't then I'd feel terrible. Could you offer a week or 2?

YANBU. Shouldn’t be mixing households anyway.

Presumably she hasn’t offered any payment? I know that would be illegal if you’re not registered anyway but you could take the approach of acting like you assumed she would be paying, something along the lines of ‘sorry I’m not registered as a childminder as my three keep me busy enough, so it wouldn’t be legal for me to hire myself out as a childminder’. She would need some brass neck to come back with ‘oh I wasn’t suggesting that I paid you’. Might gently bring it home to her that you can’t go asking people to provide days and days of childcare for free, just like you wouldn’t ask for any other kind of goods or services without appropriate payment. I understand it’s hard for working parents in holidays but this is CF territory. People need to be looking for friends to share childcare with so at least it’s reciprocal.

DDs friends mum was in the OP suggesting that she is not a friend of the OP rather that the daughters are.

Many people dont have family such as grandparents to rely on and everyone is looking to utilise childminders etc so I'm not sure why asking a friend who you know won't be at work is cheeky.

It’s cheeky because it places a significant burden of responsibility and restriction on that person, with no advantage to them. Because it loses them the family time they look forward to, changes the dynamic, probably means they can’t do trips and days out as planned (unless they have a huge car)...the list goes on. If someone offers, and they’re a very close friend or relative, then maybe it can work (in return for a LOT of wine) but you really can’t see why it’s cheeky to ask a not that close friend to provide you with regular free childcare for the whole summer? Judging by responses like this we’re in for a strong season of cf childcare request threads! Of course it’s hard at the moment but that doesn’t mean you can ask stuff like this of other people!

Just say No.

You’re under no obligation to yes.

Maybe arrange a couple of play dates, but say you can’t have her regularly.

As pp have said, you can't mix households, so what would happen if it rains?? I understand childcare is thin on the ground this year, but for six weeks?! I think she needs to find a permanent arrangement.

'I would love to help, but I am afraid I have my hands full with my three this summer. I hope you get something sorted out soon. Lets get the children together over the summer'

but you really can’t see why it’s cheeky to ask a not that close friend to provide you with regular free childcare for the whole summer?

Like I said, normally it would absolutely fall into cheeky fucker territory as there would be multiple other options.

However if you dont have close fiends or family what are you meant to do? There are no alternative options even if she wanted to pay for childcare there is unlikely ro be a space for her child this year.

The fact the women is at the stage of asking her daughters friends mum should show how desperate she is.

Maybe have some compassion, we're about to be inundated with threads. Unfortunately tons of parents (mostly mums) will have no option but to leave their jobs because of this situation.

Just say no !

Absolutely say no and no matter what the circumstances it’s cheeky of her to ask especially when she’s not even your friend, it’s your kids who are friends. Having another child who is not your own in the house really does change the dynamics of the day. You are not responsible for facilitating her life either so stop feeling awkward or a sense of obligation, bet she didn’t when she asked you!

@TinySleepThief it's unbelievably cheeky!

Childcare is a HUGE commitment, it ties the OP down to not being able to do as she pleases over the holidays. Also potentially causes issues with OP's plans- outings with 3 can be hard enough, and taking a fourth (who has previous for being hard work) would make it even harder to get everyone out of the house on 2 days a week.

I only have limited time off during the holidays, but would never ask anyone else to do regular childcare for me. I might try to organise a reciprocal play date or two over the holidays, but would never dream of making a request for regular childcare.

OP, YANBU to say no. But do say it in a way which doesn't leave any openings unless you want to- I.e. don't add "hope you get something sorted" as this leaves a little window open for thinking you might be approachable if she doesn't.

I can't believe someone would even ask! I think I once asked a friend if they could have my son for one day in the school holidays when I had no childcare. And I felt really bad even asking for that!

And a PS- I'm saying that as someone who has no childcare over the holidays. It'll work like the last 12 weeks have. Bedlam and difficult, but I would never expect anyone else to take my children on.

@hulahoopqueen

I’d just be easy breezy about it, something like “oh no, sorry I will already have my hands full with my 3! Hope you can sort something out!” And then leave it. If she turns CF about you being off work, stone wall her and start repeating “I’ve already said it doesn’t work for me, you will need to make other arrangements” and continue as needed

This ^

I looked after my best friend at the time, child before and after school, at weekends and holidays. It ruined my life. It restricts your whole life, you can't relax, your children resent it and it takes over.

So rude of her to ask. I'm always gobsmacked by these threads on MN

It's not rude. She was asking, not demanding.

YANBU, just say no. But make sure you’re clear that it’s definitely a no and don’t give any wishy washy answers otherwise she might not make other provisions.