DD's friend - mum asking for childcare

[MrsAbigail]

I work term time. DD's friend mum has asked if I can watch her daughter a couple of days a week during the 6 week holiday  WIBU to day no!

I have 3 dc myself and her dd can be quite challenging and really hard work (I have had her over for tea a few times). I really don't know how to tell mum

[Happynow001]

@MrsAbigail
My default response to quite a lot of things I get asked (especially face to face) is "I'm really sorry that's just not possible for me" plus any swift non-committal, polite sentence the occasion requires eg as another PP said "I hope you manage get sorted soon. Bye! And move away quickly.

If, having thought about it for a day or so I genuinely change my mind I can go back to the person, but setting clear boundaries in place but the instant "no" gives you time. Also over time they are less and less likely to ask you to do things you don't want to do.

Stay strong! 🌹

[PrincessConsuelaVaginaHammock]

Well if it's too much you can't do it then. It wouldn't BU to say no.

[Shinebright72]

Ohhh dear. Either your friend could be in a desperate state or she’s taking advantage. I personally wouldn’t dare you have 3 of your own to look after. Things like this can cause issues. Say NO and be firm don’t feel obligated

It’s too much of a big commitment.

[TinySleepThief]

@Thisismytimetoshine

I'm not sure why asking a friend who you know won't be at work is cheeky
I'm not sure why you think it isn't? The children are friends, not the parents.

Like I said previously its all to do with the current situation. The OP is well within her rights to say no, as it appears she is intending on doing so. However if you have no alternative childcare and you know your friends parent doesn't work term time its really not cheeky to ask.

For all the mum knew the OP might have been willing to help out again as she has done so previously and this would have enabled her to tick off a few days during the summer where she had childcare sorted.

[Greeneyedminx]

The OP has already stated that the mum isn’t a friend of hers, just someone she says hello to, so, yes, she’s being very cheeky.
The OP needs to be as cheeky back, stating that she can’t do it.
Other kids are not her responsibility, neither is it her responsibility to ensure the other mum has childcare or keeps her job if she can’t find child care.
People should stop trying to make her feel guilty, she works term time and accepts the hit of only being paid for term time working, it really is not her problem.
If they were friends with an agreement to share child care on the other mum’s days off, fair enough, but one way child care is just cheeky.

[Shinebright72]

@covidco

Normally I'd say YANBU, but in the current climate I would assume she is absolutely desperate. I know people who are having to give up their jobs due to lack of summer childcare. If this was one of those situations and I could help but didn't then I'd feel terrible. Could you offer a week or 2?

You have a good point. You could understand a week and to juggle with others but not for the whole duration of the summer holidays.

[2bazookas]

Just tell her you charge by the hour. When she asks how much, say " "Same rate as you get paid".

[Helendee]

I’m a childminder and have received a few requests about Summer holiday provision.
There are plenty of us out there, I’m sure the OP’s friend could find one.

[Shinebright72]

@2bazookas

Just tell her you charge by the hour. When she asks how much, say " "Same rate as you get paid".

That’s really mean and cruel.

[StatementKnickers]

I think a breezy no is the way to go. You could always offer to have the child for one day at some point over the summer, but if she's a PITA I wouldn't even do that!

[WildfirePonie]

Just say no OP. Don't get drawn into a discussion. A quick text and it's job done!

[JRUIN]

Asking you to commit to free childcare twice a week is a bit cheeky imo. I would just say 'I'm sorry, but I find 4 kids too much to handle'. Either that or 'Fuck off, you're having a laugh aren't you?'

[Frozenfrogs86]

So cheeky. I’ll be at home this summer. I won’t be taking in anyone else’s children except for play dates. Families with part time or sahp have made huge sacrifices to enable their situation and I really resent other families feeling they should benefit of having well paid jobs but expecting people who have made different choices to pick up the slack. I know it’s a pandemic but it happens every year. Sorry, rant over.
And I have lots of wonderful working mum and dad friends who wouldn’t dream of doing this. It’s only a very small cheeky number! Totally different if someone offers of course. But asking when it hasn’t been offered is not okay.

[MistyIsland]

I’d say no 🤷‍♀️ I don’t mind the occasional play date but wouldn’t do it for the whole 6 weeks. It’s too restrictive for you and you have 3 of your own.

I wouldn’t say that it’s completely CF tho the other parent could be really struggling to find anyone at the moment.

I’m really struggling to find anyone to have my dc over the summer holiday 2 places have said they are not opening and the other (if allowed to open) will be reduced numbers, going to key worker parents, Going to be a long 6 weeks!!

Sadly this is going to be an absolute nightmare for lots and lots of parents.

[Gutterton]

Be assertive and confident.

Respond quickly - send a text immediately.
You will then feel relieved and you will also be doing her a favour as she will move on to following up other options.

Never feel the need to JADE your decisions or feelings (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) - a polite and breezy “No that doesn’t work for me” - on repeat gets the message home.

The minute you say “I can’t because....” you are inviting dialogue to work around the “because”.

You have structured and compromised your career, finances etc to be around for YOUR - DCs.....this is your “pay-off” so take it and enjoy it. It’s been a v tough time for all our DCs with COVID - so feel zero guilt exclusively enjoying and engaging with yours.

[Osirus]

In your circumstances and the relationship dynamic I would probably say no and not feel too bad about it.

However in my circumstances (only have one child) I would probably offer her one day a week. A good friend I would be happy to offer more.

[YouDirtyMare]

@2bazookas

Just tell her you charge by the hour. When she asks how much, say " "Same rate as you get paid".

Don't be so bloody ridiculous

[sunflowersandtulips50]

She isnt even your friend and that is the issue here. You have 3 DC of your own and she clearly thinks as your off you can sort out her childcare. I have zero child care over summer and hadnt considered contacting one of my DC friends mums who i dont really know but happens to not be working....its taking the piss..I am sure she must have friends- they have likely told her to bugger off... Stop thinking about it and simply say no

[pigeon999]

It would be a tall order even from a very good friend, but she is virtually a stranger to you so that is what takes into CF territory for me.

I know these types of parents of old, likes sharks cruising the waters trying to find an easy catch. They 'doorstep' other parents by putting them on the spot usually in person, so it is hard to think of a reason why you can't help when pressed. This is not possible in times of covid, so the next best thing is to do what she is doing now. They will usually stoop to any level just to get what they want.

I would avoid her going forward, she is not interested in friendship, your children or you - you are just free childcare on tap.

Do not be used, it is possible you will feel very resentful if you go ahead, and maybe disappointed in yourself. No one likes to feel like the village doormat.

[0nTheEdge]

The reason she probably thinks you will look after her child again is because you've given in in the past and done it so she thinks you'll do it again, whereas this is actually the reason you won't! Just be honest without being mean and say you found it too much last time and can't do it again. Leave it at that, you don't have to justify yourself. If she pushes it, say she's making you feel uncomfortable and you won't be changing your mind. That's what I would do anyway (after antagonising about it for a good while). Good luck!

[mumwon]

I forgot to mention one thing! I use to take 4 weeks holiday a year - I would tell parents in January which weeks-
2 weeks were in August - so I could have time off with my family
& I would say many if not most cm with dc would do the same so no way - just text her & say I am really sorry but I cant do this

[londonscalling]

Say no. Also, it could well be that you will be making a rod for your own back as she may come to rely on you in future. Although we are in unusual times this year, it's not your responsibility to sort out her child care issues.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

maybe offer help for 1 or 2 weeks but don't commit to 6 full weeks

It's the thin end of the wedge isn't it? Just as the "couple of days a week" could quickly turn into every day, so a week or two of help may become "I can't find anyone else, couldn't you just ..."

As PPs have said, you don't need excuses which invite a longer conversation and more pressure - just tell her it won't work for you, and if you really feel stuck mention some (private) family circumstances

[ilikemethewayiam]

I remember this so well OP. I was an older returner to Uni to fit in around my children so had a long summer hol. I love my own kids but never really liked anyone else’s unless they were exceptionally well behave and easy. I would only ever look after close friends children occasionally in an emergency, eg there normal minder let them down and I made sure it was reciprocal. I get that it’s desperate times right now but I certainly wouldn’t commit to any such arrangements that I knew would disrupt my own life and fill me with dread. At the end of the day, you have no obligation to this woman. Whilst I sympathise with her situation and all the other parents in this awful situation, her children are her responsibility. I agree with other PP’s say no firmly and sooner rather than later.

[Babesinthewud]

Normally I’d think she was totally cheeky

But

In these extraordinary circumstances, I think she’s probably desperate. Sometimes it’s easy having a child’s friend round as it entertains them too. Not if you’ve already got 3 mind!

I’m sure this will be happening up and down the country. OP I totally get why you wouldn’t want to commit though so absolutely say no