DD's friend - mum asking for childcare

[MrsAbigail]

I work term time. DD's friend mum has asked if I can watch her daughter a couple of days a week during the 6 week holiday  WIBU to day no!

I have 3 dc myself and her dd can be quite challenging and really hard work (I have had her over for tea a few times). I really don't know how to tell mum

[NoHardSell]

I'd offer a day a week, if I thought it would help her in a situation where she had no other help or no money, and my kids got on.
It's your call
If you don't want to, that's easy too as you just say no
Some of the responses on here are quite cold.

[Blackbear19]

YANBU to say no.

I took a rant at my local MP last week because of the lack of available childcare. They want parents to get back to work many of whom are desperate to hold onto their jobs but there is very limited childcare available.
Seriously what are parents meant to do?
Leave kids home alone,
Turn to Grandparents who shouldn't be watching kids.
Turn to friends and mix households.

Parents are being put into impossible positions. If hubs can run for keyworker kids then childcare should be able to open for other children.

[Lovewinemorethanhusband]

Yanbu to say no sorry that doesnt work for us, I normally have my friends little boy 1 day a week in the holidays but hes no trouble at all, comes with his pack lunch box and plays with both my son and daughter whose hes in the same class with at school and enjoys making the baby laugh. If he started to become hard work I'd cut it down. Don't do something thats going to make you miserable

[MindyStClaire]

I'm in the "this year is different" camp.

Ordinarily - extreme CF.

This year - working parents are finding themselves with literally no options. I don't blame her for asking. This year. If you could offer even a day a week (would that be so bad? Surely your DD would love to see a friend after the last few months) that would be a very kind thing to do.

But obviously absolutely no obligation on you. Agree with those saying you need to tell her quickly though.

[KingofDinobots]

Normally I’m in the “just say no” camp on providing free childcare.

But ....this year childcare is going to be a massive issue for a lot of working parents. A friend is on the verge of handing in her notice (professional well paid job that she worked very hard to get) because she just has no childcare at all for the summer and can’t find any.

So at the moment I’d be inclined to be a bit more helpful if you can.

[ExclamationPerfume]

As a SAHM I had this every holiday. It is cheeky. We suffered financially because I chose to stay at home. Why would I then look after other people's children to benefit them?

One mum who I barely knew was starting as a student nurse. She thought I would look after her child for free all hours of the day and night. Unbelievable.

[Ickabog]

I agree with TinySleepThief

Usually this type of request would be incredibly cheeky. However, this year many of the usual options aren't available. If she was a CF then she would have asked in other years, the fact she hasn't shows how desperate she is this year.

[YeahYeahOk]

What PP said maybe offer help for 1 or 2 weeks but don't commit to 6 full weeks.

I think after everything we've been through the last few months offering a helping hand to those who desperately need it will go a long way

[Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe]

Is she as good a friend as you think OP? I often find when people ask for something its more for their benefit than yours.I might be way off the mark but I am wondering if she asked you because she knew you would find it difficult to say no? But then again I am cynical ! You owe her nothing....she is a friend only because of your childrens friendship.Tread carefully cos I gaurantee you it won;t be for just a couple of days then you end up in a right mess....Just say no sorry I can;t and leave it at that.No explanation is needed.

[FlamingoQueen]

I think anyone that doesn’t work term time only feels they have a right to use those that do as childcare. I looked after my friends 2 ds for one day a week for 3 or 4 months. I hated it! Nice children, but I couldn’t do what I wanted to with my dd and you feel like you have to entertain the kids whereas we used to like quiet time, reading and playing whilst her brother was at school.
Perhaps just say that you have enough on your plate with your 3 dc’s and you don’t feel able to add another dc into the mix. Do not feel bad for doing this. It is very tying, particularly if you want a day out (assuming we are allowed those!)

[LyraSilvertongueBelacqua]

I don't think at this time she is being a CF for asking, like other posters have said, however I don't think you would be unreasonable to say no. Even offering 1-2 weeks as some people are suggesting is huge!!! I work term time and have had children over for the day and it was such hard work!!

She isn't BU to ask at this time, but you aren't BU to say no.

[rayoflightboy]

Its not cheeky to ask,,Cheeky wiould beturning up 1st day of the holiday with the child in tow.

Just say no,but make it clear its a no.None of this "in a emergency" shite.

[Mimishimi]

Ahhh, sorry, but these parents are annoying. I very much doubt it has anything to do with the difficulties posed by COVID because this used to happen all the time when my kids were in primary years ago - just another mum who has added up the sums and is trying her luck for free care. Just say "No, sorry, we have plans this summer".

[clarehhh]

Agree just say no 6 weeks unfair on your own unless she is offering substantial pay that would transform the holiday for everyone.Say you are waiting on a holiday and simply can’t commit to anything.3 of your own is more than enough would be so unfair on them .

[converseandjeans]

Could you offer 2 days in same week? Then just say you can't do any more? I do feel sorry for kids who end up in different places in hols.
We're both teachers & our kids can chill all hols. We've never been asked to mind other children in the hols.
Just say no if you're not keen - it's a responsibility for you. Depends on how good a friendship it is?

[ilovemydogandMrObama]

Here's what I don't understand - I have several friends who are teachers, but would never dream of asking them. Can you imagine the reverse where someone knows your holiday schedule and assumes since you are off work that you are automatically available for childcare?

[MindyStClaire]

Ordinarily I'd agree with you FlamingoQueen I've read many a thread like this in previous years with my blood boiling. It seems possible don't want to take the hit of reducing their hours or giving up work, or paying for childcare. You have to do one of those, no one becomes a SAHM or does term time hours to look after other people's kids for free.

But this year those options aren't open to working parents. No holiday clubs, restricted leave, even those with willing grandparents nearby may not be able to use them. The woman in this case (and literally thousands of others this year) may have literally no options.

She's not unreasonable to ask. OP would not be unreasonable to say no. But if she's never been a pisstaker before, odds are she isn't now, she's just desperate.

[Blackbear19]

Op here's another thought.

You work term time, I'm assuming that means come September you'll be back at work full-time.
But schools are only going to be in part-time.

Are you going to need childcare then?
Could you make some sort of arrangement with this mum to take her DD over the holidays in exchange for her taking yours in September.

This is a time to make friends not cut people off.

[Lynda07]

She asked, you can say, "No". No doubt she has asked others, someone will be agreeable.

You don't say whether or not she offered payment - that may not be relevant but I do think it would be nice to have the offer.

If the girl and your daughter are older and can entertain themselves, even go out together as lockdown eases, it might not be too bad. However it is up to you. There's no harm in anyone asking a favour but they are usually prepared to have a polite refusal so don't worry about it if you feel you can't oblige.

[SteeperThanHell]

@NeverGuessWho

What *@hulahoopqueen* said.

Word for word.
Hold your head up and smile when you tell her. Don’t be apologetic - was she apologetic when she asked?

I work term time, too. I love my job, but the money’s shit. I do this job because it fits around my children, and means we can spend quality time together during the school holidays. I don’t mind taking a financial hit for making that choice, but WOULD mind taking the financial hit & being lumbered with someone else’s child for the privilege.

Having said that, if my daughter wants her friend round, I do try & arrange that for a day that would help out her friend’s mum, work wise.

Don't say this.

[MrsMozartMkII]

I'd have hated being restricted due to having another child on a set basis. We were fairly impulsive on what we did / didn't do during holidays. I often had someone else's child but it was ad hoc when their usual care had an issue.


Oddly, as an aside, this thread has really made me miss those days. DDs are at the have finished uni and going through Masters stage, so it was a long time ago, but I find myself very nostalgic for those lazy summer holidays times.

[Ragwort]

You have to be really clear about these sorts of arrangements as it is very easy to get taken advantage of. I was a SAHM and I was happy to have a friend's child in the morning before school (both her DC and mine got the bus from my house) and occasionally after school or in the holidays. But she was scrupulously fair about helping me in a way that was appropriate ie; my DS went to their house for a sleepover when DH and I wanted a night out. That worked for both of us and felt like an 'equal' arrangement.

[Brefugee]

It's not unreasonable to ask (especially now) and it's not unreasonable to turn it down.

As pp have said it's going to be really difficult for many people this year and a bit of kindness (and firm "no" in plenty of time or setting ground rules if there is a "yes".)

[FreddoFrogAddict]

Speaking from experience, do not enter into a childminding situation when you are reluctant to do so, particularly such a big commitment as 3 whole days a week! I made career limiting choices in order to be available for my DC when they were school age, and it's amazing how many parents think if you are there for your own DC you have no reason not to take on theirs too.

[Ragwort]

Mrs - my DS also now at Uni but I rarely miss those days - apart from when it's nice and sunny and we would go off to the beach on a whim. But now I go to the Lido on my own (pre lockdown of course) with a book and it is much more relaxing .

Strange how life changes over the years .