DD's friend - mum asking for childcare

[MrsAbigail]

I work term time. DD's friend mum has asked if I can watch her daughter a couple of days a week during the 6 week holiday  WIBU to day no!

I have 3 dc myself and her dd can be quite challenging and really hard work (I have had her over for tea a few times). I really don't know how to tell mum

[Abracad]

Absolutely say no. Alternatively consider ways in which you could help - a day a week? A day every other week?

But if you say an outright no, I hope you never ask for help like that yourself.

[Mostpeculiar]

Never having anyone to rely on so never having the luxury of being a CF I am massively wary of being kind to people which is really hard as I am kind and generous but too wary of well if I can offer once there’s no reason why I can’t do it again and again ....

[Iliketeaagain]

I think this year is different from others.

It is an absolute headache trying to sort summer holiday childcare this year what with holiday clubs either shut or have far fewer numbers than usual.
I guess if she does it every year, I'd say no to this. If this is a one off and she not a CF every summer, then I'd probably help a friend out this year.

I have zero family around, so I am super organised when it comes to holiday childcare, but this year is different.

[AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter]

Many people dont have family such as grandparents to rely on and everyone is looking to utilise childminders etc so I'm not sure why asking a friend who you know won't be at work is cheeky

I have no grandparents and my parents are both dead so Ive never ever had family help with looking after the kids. I still agree its cheeky to expect your friend who already has 3 kids to look to care for your child on a long term basis. My children are my responsibility and yes, these are difficult times but that doesnt change this fact. If she offers then thats different but I think asking people this puts them in a really awkward position. Not to mention, this person isnt even a friend of the OP! If she was a close friend, it would be different, but she isnt!

[Mightymurphy]

With most childcare options closed this year, I can see why she asked. You are perfectly right to say no if you wish. I would do it kindly though. She is may be struggling to get help and work.

[awesomeaircraft]

YANBU to say no and she is NBU to ask.

However I do think all the parents here, and the parents they know off here, should do like @blackbear19 and contact their MP regarding childcare provision and work protection this summer. These are exceptional times and we need a systemic solution rather than a person here and there able to help (or guilted into helping).

Find your MP: members.parliament.uk/constituencies/

I know where I am the primary schools looking after keyworkers will be working all throughout the summer to offer childcare provision.

I believe BJ is about to announce that cinemas, etc are to reopen from 4th July. The MPs should next finalise childcare over the summer.

[TinySleepThief]

My children are my responsibility and yes, these are difficult times but that doesnt change this fact. If she offers then thats different but I think asking people this puts them in a really awkward position. Not to mention, this person isnt even a friend of the OP! If she was a close friend, it would be different, but she isnt!

The trouble is people are unlikely to offer as if you dont need childcare for this summer you might not know how hard it is proving to find. Especially as they haven't made a clear public announcement about holiday clubs.

That fact she even asked just tells me the poor women's asked literally anyone and everyone, she presumably started by asking any close friends first.

[Thecoven]

She only asked. She may be desperate. Not your problem OP but jeez she's hardly a CF for asking under these unprecedented circumstances. I don't know what I would have done without my friends help the last few months. I can't afford not to work, I wouldn't be able to pay my mortgage & would lose mine & DC house. Giving up work isn't an option for some. My DC friends mum's & I are all pulling together. I'm eternally grateful to them for helping me & DC stay afloat just now.

[AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter]

That fact she even asked just tells me the poor women's asked literally anyone and everyone, she presumably started by asking any close friends first

Thats true. I feel really sorry for her, these are bloody awful times and people are desperate. Agree about contacting your MP

[sunrainwind]

I'd do one week to help out. Especially at the moment.

[MrsWombat]

Say no, but do it with a bit of grace because this summer is going to be really difficult for childcare.

[oblada]

Kingof - tell your friend to request parental leave, there is just about enough time for this. She needs to give 28days notice and can request 4 weeks of unpaid parental leave (assuming 1 child). That's a start! Better than resigning altogether.

I agree with others that it's not cheeky to ask- we all need each other esp at the moment and people should feel able to ask for favours. By the same token people are absolutely entitled to refuse those favours.
I have 3 kids too and a 4th on the way and I don't mind looking after other children if they're well behaved as it doesn't make my work harder. I rarely do it because I work FT but happy to help when I can. If the child is hard work however you're perfectly within your rights to say no.

[dottiedodah]

While I appreciate your friend is in a predicament .I dont feel as though you owe her any childcare! You have 3 of your own and thats enough for anyone! Just say to her that you have your own 3 and thats enough for you .Dont say "I hope you sort something out" or suchlike .It is difficult for everyone right now .Doesnt mean you are responsible for her Childcare arrangements though does it!

[TreeTopTim]

In ordinary times I would have said just say no but this year is completely different. Could you offer to have her child a couple of days over the holidays? Would your dd like to have a friend over to play?

[Roselilly36]

You have enough on your plate with 3 of your own children to look after, YANBU to say no.

[Rembrandt]

A couple of days a week for 6 weeks is a lot. I think I would struggle with that even if the mum was a friend (rather than just a child's friend's mum).

If you don't want to do it at all, then you need to let her know quickly so that she can look for other options.

As it's difficult to find childcare at the moment, I'd possibly offer to have the DD for one or possibly two days of the holiday but not a regular arrangement.

Out of interest, did she offer anything in return?

[billy1966]

3 days a week is an enormous ask, even more so for a challenging child.

On occasion over the years I have invited children that are close pals for a regular day over, asking in advance to help out a couple of mum's that I know were struggling with childcare.

But they NEVER asked.
The children were close friends.
And I wanted to help out because I knew they were stuck even though they never said ti me directly.

I would never commit to a request like that, because it most definitely wouldn't be in my children's best interests.

Send the breezy response upthread quicklyand kill it.

[KingofDinobots]

@oblada - thanks but I think she’s already used up her parental leave for this year back when the schools shut down! She’s used parental leave, annual leave, asked to take an unpaid sabbatical but they’re saying no :( so unless she finds childcare for the summer in the next couple of weeks she will have to just leave the job.

[rayoflightboy]

I think if i was to offer,i would offer near the end of the summer holidays.That way you wont get lumbered for the whole holidays.

[Suzie6789]

I don’t think it’s cheeky to ask this year, it would be cheeky to raise it again once you’ve said no.
She’s probably desperate, if my kids were younger I don’t know what I’d do; holiday clubs near me are closed, not my parents are over 75, and PIL are dead.
Due to the pandemic the gap is widening again for women at work, this issue will disproportionately affect women ☹️

[PrincessHoneysuckle]

Was she offering payment? Still v cheeky if so but expecting childcare for free is even worse imo.

[istheresomethingishouldknow]

I work term time, too. I love my job, but the money’s shit. I do this job because it fits around my children, and means we can spend quality time together during the school holidays. I don’t mind taking a financial hit for making that choice, but WOULD mind taking the financial hit & being lumbered with someone else’s child for the privilege.

This is true for me as well, although I would say sorry, just doesn't work for me and my family kindly considering what this year has been and will continue to be like for many.

[lotusbell]

I know the usual consensus is to slam the person in question as a CF, but as others have said, citmrcmstancesare slightly different this year and she may be desperate. Only you know, OP if this woman is being cheeky or if she really us struggling to find anyone to help her. You shouldn't feel guilty or obliged to say yes, but please do tell her straight if you can't look after her daughter, don't either and stick to your decision so she can try and find an alternative. My son is 13 now so childcare over the summer not as much of an issue for me now, but I really feel for those in this situation.

[PrincessConsuelaVaginaHammock]

It's difficult. I do get why she asked, this year is different so it isn't standard issue CF territory. Of course she's going to try everything she possibly can to be able to keep working. I also get why you don't want to do it.

[glitterelf]

Can people not see what's going on in the world ? It's not rude of her to ask at all and it's up to the op if she wants to help or not. But let's not forget that right now lots of women are at major risk of losing their jobs with pressure from employers and employers also feeling the pressure to an absolute lack of childcare providers / holiday clubs. There will be lots of families in this position they do not need judgement in these current times but support and a solution so they can keep a roof over their head and food on the table.