DD's friend - mum asking for childcare

[MrsAbigail]

I work term time. DD's friend mum has asked if I can watch her daughter a couple of days a week during the 6 week holiday  WIBU to day no!

I have 3 dc myself and her dd can be quite challenging and really hard work (I have had her over for tea a few times). I really don't know how to tell mum

her dd can be quite challenging and really hard work

This would be the problem for me.

I have a job that allows me to WFH on a part-time (approx 21 hrs/week) basis over the long summer holidays. I used to have childcare, but now my DC are older (10 and 11) I work around them so we have more time for fun stuff.

I do sometimes look after friend’s DC. Some DC create no extra work and I’ll happily have them all day. Others are best enjoyed in smaller doses.

I have started to give a little more feedback to explain why I’m having other people’s DC and not theirs. Thing like “DS loves having X over, but they do tend to fall into squabbles after the first hour, so I’m afraid we won’t be able to help” and “X seems to get quite bored here and DD and I struggle to keep her entertained, so I’m afraid I won’t be able to have her for you”.

It seems to work. At least the friendships are preserved and I don’t get asked again!

@covidco

Normally I'd say YANBU, but in the current climate I would assume she is absolutely desperate. I know people who are having to give up their jobs due to lack of summer childcare. If this was one of those situations and I could help but didn't then I'd feel terrible. Could you offer a week or 2?

Agreed. I do think the usual "rules" are off the table this year and I personally would try and help.

Of course you wouldn't be unreasonable. Some mums prey on the ones that are scared/unlikely to say no for their free childcare.... you already have 3 children and if she was a doddle then great but since she isn't.... just say no you are busy enough

I would normally say no and nit feel in the slightest bit guilty. Having said that if it meant she kept her job without a doubt I would say yes and I don't even like kids. In fact if it wasn't for the mixing households things I would be offering..

At the end of the day, she is being PAID to work. You won't be paid (I presume) to look after her child? Honestly I would say, "sorry my hands are already full with my children". And leave it at that. I would not even commit to one day a week, you'll resent it. She will have to use her annual /unpaid leave or ask her husband to use his. The quicker you send the message, the better you'll feel.

Just say no. And do it as quickly as possible so she can find other solutions. Even the child isn't challenging, it's still a big ask.

Like others have said child care is an absolute nightmare at the moment ,my town has none at the moment. I would offer a couple of weeks and she may find someone else to do a couple of weeks too.

I know people who have given up their jobs because of no child care. Yet I bet those who are saying no are the same people who moan about single parents on benefits. Some times you have to lend a hand.

Yes it is bloody rude to ask someone who has 3 children of their own!
And not having gp around wouldnt make me more sympathetic- make a plan like everyone else.

It might be different if you didn't have 3 to look after, 4 is a bit too much for one person I think

At the end of the day, she is being PAID to work. You won't be paid (I presume) to look after her child?

She will probably not be paid, if she's like one of the thousands who have already used all their leave and exhausted all other avenues then she will probably be handing in her notice.

Of course it's totally up to the OP and I'm not saying this to guilt her into doing anything she doesn't want to as we all have the right to say no. I am however pointing out the reality of what choice many people (mostly women) will be forced to make in the coming weeks.

Weekday, but she will be paid to work, while she is asking OP to look after her dd for free for 6 weeks. That should be the last resort.

If you don't want to OP then don't, unpresidented times or not. Your a adult, you know your limits, I presume you also need to decompress.

I find the more I accept the more people take the piss so the occasional no is actually good for you.

You have already said that the dc is difficult & 6 weeks is along time -
Consider this - what if you find it too much (& from reading this you probably will) how will you tell her?
I suspect most people who try to guilt you into taking care of others haven't been in your circumstances. I would only take care of other peoples dc if its what I want to do -not what they want. At the most I would offer her a week if you can face it - or a day a week - I certainly wouldn't do the whole six weeks that isn't fair on you or your children & as others have said - you shouldn't do it if your not registered & she shouldn't expect you to do it unpaid
I say this as an ex childminder who loved her work & the dc I looked after - but not all of the dc were easy - some were hard work & if you weren't in the mind set & being paid ...no I don't think you should it isn't an easy job & you might land up resenting her & the child & finding the school playground unpleasant if you have to give her notice

Its not unreasonable to say no if it genuinely doesn't work for you and you feel it would be too much. But its also not cheeky of her to ask if she's on the brink of losing her job. Not everyone is just out to get something for free.

Working mums are very reliant on the support and kindness of others right now. If you're not able to help then please be kind about it when saying no as like many of us she is probably on her knees right now trying to juggle everything.

It is bloody rude to ask because now the Op will be sat stressing about it and trying to work out how to say no without causing offence....

I have to say I disagree it's cheeky of her to ask. These are unprecedented times, she's quite obviously desperate to work something out.

This what I think to - nothing wrong with asking.

But as sleepthief says - nothing wrong with saying no either if you don't want to do it.

I don't think it's up to SAHPs or people who work term time to prop up the economy because the government have fucked working parents over.

They would be doing so for free.

That's not to say people shouldn't help out if they absolutely want to but I don't see why everyone should feel it's SAHPs' jobs to see things differently this year and offer themselves for free, particularly when attitudes towards them are so scathing usually.

@myusernamewastakenbyme

It is bloody rude to ask because now the Op will be sat stressing about it and trying to work out how to say no without causing offence....

So no one should ever ask for any help if they are struggling just incase it stresses out the person they ask?

Just curious, but what would you advise the women asking to do in this scenario?

I don’t mind taking a financial hit for making that choice, but WOULD mind taking the financial hit & being lumbered with someone else’s child for the privilege.

This is why it’s cheeky. I work, I get paid...but I therefore have less time with my kids, because I’m somewhere else, doing something else for which I’m being paid. When I was a SAHM, I had endless time with my kids...but I didn’t get paid. These situations are so cheeky because one person is asking another to give up their time to do an unpaid job so that they can do a paid one. Would I have helped a friend in an emergency? Absolutely. But this isn’t what this is.

Why is finding and providing holiday childcare all down to women? Does this woman's child have a father on the scene? Does he have any mates who could help him out? Do these people have annual leave between them that they could take to cover the period?

You just have to be honest and say ‘no, it doesn’t work for me.’
It is unprecedented times though. I am supposed to be having my dgs for the summer holidays. As I live abroad I don’t know if my ds can bring him or if he wants to take a flight. If I don’t have dgs they have no one to take him.
I may have to fly to the uk and live with them for 6 weeks if allowed.

I wouldn't want to do this either for all the reasons stated, but I'm in the 'extraordinary circumstances' camp. She could be well and truly fucked without childcare due to Covid.

Many of us don't have the safety nets of parents/family to fall back on. If friends of mine hadn't stepped up during shitty times, I'm not sure I'd have made it through.

@TinySleepThief its not the Op's problem....i am a single parent with my mum and dad long dead and i never imposed my kids on anyone else...Op's friend will have to find paid childcare or give up her job...but you dont ruin someone elses summer break so you can keep working.

Always a good idea to think of if this doesn't work out, how do I get out of it.

All this kind of thing does is bring stress on the mother being imposed upon.

3 children of your own is enough.

The cheekiest people I have come across in this area are the ones whom do the least and wouldn't dream of being inconvenienced.

Looking after children day in day out can be exhausting.

The dynamic of an extra child does put your family in the fishbowl.

One other thing is, my children loved their close friends when in primary but there is NO way they would have wanted them over several days a week.

They all like THEIR down time.

This type of an arrangement is a huge imposition on your children OP.
Even more so if the child is hard work.

Expect blow back from YOUR child, and rightly so in my view.

It's not rude to ask. Assuming that she would also be prepared to do the OP a favour when needed.

But equally it's not rude of the OP to refuse. I wouldn't go into explanations of why. Just say "I'm really sorry, I won't be able to".