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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who should I punch - DH or MIL....or both???

121 replies

Usernamewillautodestrustin · 14/10/2019 16:50

Long running issues with MIL. She is manipulative, controlling and annoying. She likes to try and offend me without it looking like she is offending to anyone (if that makes sense).

Anyway...we had her over for lunch yesterday. She cooks and brings it with her. No matter how many times I tell her I am happy to cook she puts on an offended look as if I have slapped her and says 'her son deserves a break'. I don't get this because DH never cooks but I ignore it and move on.

Cue the insults - oh I see you didn't have time to clean....didn't mummy do your hair (to my 5 yeah old DD), looks at me and says 'Oh you look tired'...but the worse one was my DH saying that our youngest DD is starting to really look like me. She looks at DD, looks at me and says 'Well hopefully her looks will come in soon - they change so much at this age'.

DH carried on doing what he was doing and I felt an overwhelming need to punch her, I didn't but I did look at my youngest DD and say 'well I hope you don't change, because you are beautiful'. Then I gave MIL a look and walked in to the other room.

Why oh why is she such a bitch???

OP posts:
saffy1234 · 14/10/2019 16:51

Mine would of been like this of i had let her get away with it
Tell her if she cant be nice not to bother being around you.She sounds spiteful and jealous

LuckyAmy1986 · 14/10/2019 16:52

Pull her up on her rudeness, every single time. What does your DH sag?

2stepsonthewater · 14/10/2019 16:52

You need the MN classic, 'Did you mean to be so rude?'
Alternatively, play her game and say to your DD 'goodness me, DD, what a rude granny you have, I hope she learns some manners soon.'

Original poster
Usernamewillautodestrustin · 14/10/2019 16:54

@saffy1234 I think I am going to have to take your advice..

6 months ago after a very awkward encounter with her 'she told me she missed his ex' DH promised he would deal with her. He didn't want me to because he knew she would take it more seriously if it came from him.

But he is so oblivious that it never happens.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 14/10/2019 16:54

Why do you have her in your home? Do you think it’s healthy for your children to spend time with someone who undermines their mum?

DH can go to see her at hers or out. Don’t punch anyone, that way they win. Just stop seeing her.

LaurieFairyCake · 14/10/2019 16:55

When she says 'her son deserves a break' deliberately misunderstand and say 'you're quite right, I do '

Original poster
Usernamewillautodestrustin · 14/10/2019 16:56

@LuckyAmy1986 when he notices she is being a dick he pulls her up on it and she pretends not to realise she has been offensive. But he gives her a look and tells her to stop and she does for a bit.

@2stepsonthewater OMG I am definitely using those next time!

OP posts:
Whatsername7 · 14/10/2019 16:56

'Oh dear, dd. I think grandma might just be the rudest woman on the planet'. When she reacts, look her square in the face and say 'you were rude and you know it. Please feel free not to come to my home if you can't manage to be civil.'

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 14/10/2019 16:57

No punching, no matter how aggravating. Just pay back in kind.

Oh - it’s about time you had your roots touched up?
I’ve seen a great new anti wrinkle cream advertised for mature skin.
Is your iron broken?
Yellow really isn’t your colour is it?
What’s that you’ve this time brought? Lasagne? No mousakka? Or is it shepherds pie? Hard to tell really... John did you remember to buy the extra Rennies?

Original poster
Usernamewillautodestrustin · 14/10/2019 16:57

@AnneLovesGilbert she lives a 5 hour round trip away from us and I wouldn't expect my DH to travel there on his own with a 10 month and 5 year old. But I have told him that I will be making plans on the days she is coming in future unless her attitude changes. And he knows I am serious.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 14/10/2019 16:57

I'd be telling DH, fine, you don't see it, but I do, and I'm going to be pulling the rude mare up on her appallingly bad behaviour each and every time. To the point where she won't be coming round anymore, because she's getting as good as she bloody well gives.

HowlsMovingBungalow · 14/10/2019 16:57

She wouldn't be entering my house until she stopped being a grade a cunt.

Original poster
Usernamewillautodestrustin · 14/10/2019 16:59

HA HA HA Loving all your comments. It is not in my nature to retaliate - I am one of those very annoying people that walk out of the room and fight back the tears. But I have tried to be more assertive just lately.

OK OK I won't punch her...but I can imagine it right??

OP posts:
cuppycakey · 14/10/2019 17:00

Another one here who wouldn't be allowing her in my home or anywhere near my DC until she could be polite.

She is now being horrible to your DC - as parents you and DH have to set firm boundaries.

I suspect that as usual, this is a DH problem.

What would he do/say if you told her to Fuck Off and never come back?

LuckyAmy1986 · 14/10/2019 17:02

We are now NC with MIL because mine was the same, luckily DH stood up to her in the end and we gave her so many chances but she just didn’t change. It took him a while though, at first he thought I was taking her the wrong way. I hope your DH makes it clear to her that it’s not acceptable in his point of view either abd then she can decide how she wants to be. All I will say is, I didn’t want my children around the negativity. So I wouldn’t start playing tit for tat and being rude back. I would pull her up on it, and expect DH to back you up.

BigFatLiar · 14/10/2019 17:03

Tell your DH that if she can't be civil then he can start going to visit her instead of her visiting you and its too far for the children so he can go on his own.

Original poster
Usernamewillautodestrustin · 14/10/2019 17:03

On the occasions I have retaliated and been forceful with her she has started crying and tried to make my DH feel sorry for her and stick up for her. When my DH does it she takes it seriously, goes all quiet and tries to deny she was being offensive.

When he picks up on it he doesn't let her get away with it...i think I need a signal for him for when she is being a bitch!

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 14/10/2019 17:05

Yeah I wouldn't have her in my home again. Let your DH go visit her on his own in future

Campervan69 · 14/10/2019 17:05

You need to turn it into a joke you share with dh. My mil is a bit like this and every jab she gives I just look over to dh and laugh. He's on board so laughs along. You've got to be tight together. She's coming into YOUR family unit she should know she'll put herself on the outside of it if she keeps it up. As the kids get older, they are allies as well and don't take kindly to their mum being insulted.

cuppycakey · 14/10/2019 17:07

A signal? He has ears doesn't he?

Agree with Big just tell him he can visit the bitch on his own from now on and she isn't welcome at yours as she makes vile comments to you and DC.

Original poster
Usernamewillautodestrustin · 14/10/2019 17:08

I really don't mind her coming here. She is a bitch to me but she adores the girls. I already have plan with my family the next time she is due to come and I am taking the baby so I won't have to see her.

But DH knows I am getting to the point where I do not care what she thinks anymore and I won't put up with it.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 14/10/2019 17:11

Here's a signal.

'DH, did you hear what your mother just said to me? Do you think that's acceptable. I don't. MIL, do not speak to me like that please. I know you have sufficient mental capacity to realise that you were knowingly being very rude. If you can't stop being rude to me, you might have to stop coming to my house to see your DS and DGC. I'm sure you wouldn't like that. But if you would, will you just box on lovey.'

BigFatLiar · 14/10/2019 17:12

She is a bitch to me but she adores the girls.

I think if she truly adored the girls she'd be supportive of their mum.

Witchinaditch · 14/10/2019 17:14

Don’t put up with it! Don’t have her in your home if she can’t be nice.

Jollitwiglet · 14/10/2019 17:14

Do you remember the show timmy mallet? I used to have a soft toy of the mallett. I would want to bop her on the head with it every single time she made a rude remark.