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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Disappointed with family

41 replies

Mumzy02 · 21/04/2019 11:19

Name changed

So , DH and I always make an effort on family birthdays ... our siblings get cards but DH Mum, Dad and our nieces and nephews all get presents, Easter eggs , Christmas presents , presents for new baby etc. ( can I add we are not well off by any means , average jobs , no huge savings account ... we live payday to payday like many other people )
When we see our nieces we sometimes take then a sweet / take them to the shop for an ice cream etc .... all our choice but make the effort .
Anyway yet again it’s my sons birthday and nothing ! From no one !! Grandparents, aunties, uncles NOTHING !!!
I don’t expect him to be bombarded with presents at all , we are his parents.... but a card A BIRTHDAY CARD THAT SHOWS HES BEEN REMEMBERED!!!!

This happens with all 3 of my kids every birthday and I’ve just about had enough , they are good kids who always play nice with their cousins , they are polite and friendly, one of them ( teen ) regularly babysits for free , as do me a DH .

Constanstly told ... sorry didn’t have time to get a card or I have no money for a card ( you can get one for as little as 50p) when they constantly have take seats and are always in town near shops !!

Aibu to think I should do exactly the same from now on and not turn up with treats either !!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumzy02 · 21/04/2019 11:21

Sorry * constantly have take aways.

Also SIL always gets a card for nieces and nephew on her side

OP posts:
Widowodiw · 21/04/2019 11:23

People just don’t tend to do cards now in days if social media. My kids only ever get a very few cards. If I was you I’d just stop making the effort. We decides ylyears ago with all the cousins- there’s loads - that rather than spending the time buying for others we should each just buy for our own. Less hassle and means that they don’t get gifts there not going to play with.

Easterbunnynearlyhere · 21/04/2019 11:24

Please withdraw your kindness op. Save the cash for your own dc. Ignorant fuckers if they can't even send a card imo. A dgs! Shocking and inexcusable.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 21/04/2019 11:24

I'd stop the teen doing free babysitting regardless of the card situation. Would be ok if they were paying her but to use her as free childcare imo is wrong.

Do the same then if you can live with the child missing out and just do cards.

MrsKrabbapple · 21/04/2019 11:26

From both sides of the family or just one side?

If just your dh’s side, maybe it’s just not something they do. My dh’s family are like this. They just don’t send cards or presents for anything. Nor do they expect any. It took me a few years to get used to it but my dc are teenagers now and they have never mentioned it.

pudcat · 21/04/2019 11:28

Don't do it any more. I have cut down on presents for folk who can't be bothered to say thank you these days. I do not consider a fb thank you to everyone sufficient.

Chocmallows · 21/04/2019 11:30

You have my sympathy OP. For me it's just my sister who forgets my DC all the time. I have considered stopping buying for her children's birthdays as I'm sick of her forgetting and telling me how busy she is. My DD is 13, so I have had 13 years of "oops, just me forgetting again", then sometimes a late card with plastic bracelet or a panic voucher online and too late for a card.

Watching as I am currently ignoring my sister as a birthday has just been missed and I would like to see suggestions.

Stayawayfromitsmouth · 21/04/2019 11:31

Have you or dh actually called them out on this?
It's not normal and it's not nice.
Stop being so accessible and nice to them. Free babysitting? I bet your teen hates that! They are showing you they don't care for any of you, so treat them the same.

Piffle11 · 21/04/2019 11:31

Just stop buying. I was in a similar position and knocked it on the head - ironically the person who appeared most put out was MIL (who didn't even give one of our DC a gift this Christmas). In your case it sounds very one-sided, and as someone else said, I'd be getting your teen to stop the free babysitting: I think they are being taken advantage of. When you keep doing the stuff you're doing - the treats, the cards and gifts - it starts to be expected, and then it's as though this is your 'thing'. They won't suddenly start buying for your DC so end it now.

Original poster
Mumzy02 · 21/04/2019 11:32

Both sides ! My DM always made an effort but sadly no longer here .

It’s just so annoying that no effort to even give him a card is made ! He’s a kid FFS

Also no Social media so can’t get messages that way so everyone just ignores it , he might get a card from his nan in 2 weeks or so if we go round to pick it up ! Even though they love down the road and never bother to come round

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 21/04/2019 11:33

You've tried treating them the way you'd like to be treated, now treat them the same way they treat you. Do less for them, much, much less.

QueenAnneBoleyn · 21/04/2019 11:34

I’m not surprised you’re upset.
You and the teen need to stop all babysitting. Stop buying gifts for any of the adults concerned (maybe even no birthday cards for them?).
However in your position I would still buy for nieces and nephews as they are
innocent in all of this.

Happygolucky009 · 21/04/2019 11:34

I have this with my family, it saddens me that they think so little my children and can't be arsed. It frustrates me and infuriates me that the one year I forgot to send an adult birthday card on time and got a shitty text......

But I have worked out that my children don't get upset but neither do they bother of appreciate said family members and ultimately my kids are lovely and my family are kidding out by their lack of effort!

BottleOfJameson · 21/04/2019 11:36

I don't think birthdays a big deal in all families but in this case YANBU. Your teenager babysits for free and they can't even recognise his birthday? I do think it's quite lazy!

Nanny0gg · 21/04/2019 11:37

Even "grandparents?*

I'd be very very hurt. In fact it's unthinkable to me.

Have you spoken about it? If not, why not?

MissMogwai · 21/04/2019 11:38

Tight sods. I can't imagine not buying my niece or nephew and definitely not my grandchild, a present or card on their birthday.

Like pp have said, stop buying for them. Obviously we shouldn't give to receive but they are taking the piss!

Thebookswereherfriends · 21/04/2019 11:50

Unfortunately it’s not the kids fault that the adults are useless. I certainly wouldn’t make particularly special efforts, send a cheap card and token presents to the children. Don’t bother doing anything for the adults.

Original poster
Mumzy02 · 21/04/2019 11:56

Yes my nieces and nephews are innocent in all of this ... but so is my child / children and they don’t give a toss about him so why should I still carry on the way I have been ?
I don’t give gifts to receive them but a card is hardly a big ask.

We have called grandparents out before , even gone NC over various things ...
sometimes they get the kids a card but leave it at their house till we go over as they don’t come to us ! Unless invited for a big meal / family get together which I won’t be doing anymore either ... but they do visit other grandchild who lives over an hour away and her bday is never forgotten!!

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 21/04/2019 11:58

So stop getting them anything. It’s really shit of them to never reciprocate. Don’t waste anymore of your money.

Millie2018 · 21/04/2019 11:58

Unfortunately they are taking your kindness for granted. Slowly withdraw treats, Easter eggs etc if not reciprocated. You will only end up feeling resentful and bitter otherwise. I am constantly left feeling disappointed by my family for similar reasons. The more I withdraw the better I feel. Otherwise it becomes all consuming. But please, if they ask why, tell them. Otherwise you run the risk of appearing the bad guy.

SunshineCake · 21/04/2019 12:02

You'll get people spouting bollocks about social media, texts, better for the environment etc for reasons to not send cards but it's not everyone that has SM etc. A card is a lovely thing to receive. I have one family member and he sends me a card for my birthday but not my children. My dh has a huge family and his cousins never send birthday cards to any of us and some never send a thank you text never mind card when we send gifts when a new baby comes along.

I got fed up of the lack of manners more than the lack of a card etc and I no longer send gifts for babies or wedding anniversary cards. It clearly means so little that when one relative moved without telling us that they didn't even question why they received no birthday and new baby things that I thought why bother.

ImNotHappyaboutitPauline · 21/04/2019 12:07

It's pretty shit that nobody in their extended family can be bothered but seriously why on earth have you carried on making a production for every one of their events? If they make zero effort with your dc then it's pretty clear they're just not interested. Not nice but nothing you can do. STOP spending your time, money and energy on people who aren't bothered about you and yours!

FifisLovelyApron · 21/04/2019 12:08

Just send cards for future birthdays. If anyone gets snarky with you, "Oh, but you never give my kids a present so I thought you were hinting not to buy gifts anymore?"

wellhelloyou · 21/04/2019 12:15

I used to do this, but then after years when no-one bothered to do a thing in return (not even a text) I stopped. I felt bad for quite a while for the kids mainly. Looking back I never received one thank you (not that I was looking for this but wasn't even told if the present had arrived or not) so instead of hoping they would do the same as I did, I gave up.

I would love to do this again as it's not about giving and receiving, simply showing those close to you they mean something - but it does hurt year after year when you and your family are forgotten about. I have lowered my expectations to zero and that helps.

I would just stop if I was you and move on. Don't expect anything.

SunshineCake · 21/04/2019 12:23

Maybe the children who are never forgotten have parents who demand things and pull them up on bad behaviour. Or they know where the bodies are buried.

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