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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to ask DH to get the snip?

83 replies

Sweetbabycheezits · 11/04/2019 10:05

So, just the basic background: DH and I married 14 years, we are a solid, loving partnership with 2 lovely Dcs now 11 and 13. I'm now in my late 40's, and my current coil expires in a few months.

Every time DH and discuss birth control going forward, we seem to skirt around the snip conversation. I really want him to have it...I've been the one either on the pill or with the coil for the total of our relationship, plus the pregnancies and births of two children. I think he assumes that it's easier and less invasive for me to carry on with the coil, but I'm not sure that's true...from everything I've read, it's a quick procedure and very quick recovery.

I don't want to tell him what to do with his body, but at the same time, it doesn't feel all that unreasonable to ask him to do it, since I've taken the responsibility all these years.

What are your experiences with this? Is it unreasonable to ask him to do it?

OP posts:

kaytee87 · 11/04/2019 10:07

Well if he doesn't want surgery then you can't force the issue. You can however; abstain from piv sex, ask him to use condoms, or carry on with the coil.
Have you explained to him that getting a coil actually is quite invasive?

PurpleFlower1983 · 11/04/2019 10:08

In my opinion, it’s unreasonable to ask him but I know many would disagree.

Are you willing to consider sterilisation?

Aquamarine1029 · 11/04/2019 10:08

Of course it's not unreasonable to ask him. After all you've put up with it's the least he can do. It's his turn to take responsibility now.

blackteasplease · 11/04/2019 10:10

YANBU at all to ask but you obviously can't make him or put unfair pressure on him.

But also yanbu to come off your hormonal contraception. It's no as consequence free as men seem to think.

Condoms are a good option if used properly. Or you don't have to have sex if you don't want to use any hormones.

Ironymaiden · 11/04/2019 10:10

Not unreasonable to ask but equally it is not unreasonable for him to refuse. I would see it as pregnancy having the most effect on you, therefore you do what you need to do to protect your body. You can’t expect someone else to have an operation to protect your body.

Helspopje · 11/04/2019 10:13

Given the possible side effects of vasectomy and your age, wouldn’t a more reasonable option to either leave the current could alone and have it be a standard iud or swop one last time for (what I presume is a hormonal) iud as surely a further 5y stint would take you to the menopause

Thesearmsofmine · 11/04/2019 10:15

Not unreasonable to ask him as part of a discussion about contraception but of course it isn’t unreasonable for him to refuse either.

AverageMan · 11/04/2019 10:18

Not unreasonable. Had it done after our 2nd child, after my wife asked me. It was a quick and easy procedure. Takes a big weight off not having to worry about contraception for either of us.

Takethebuscuitandthesink · 11/04/2019 10:18

Not unreasonable to ask as long as you instantly accept if the answer is no and he doesn’t feel pressured by you.

Original poster

Sweetbabycheezits · 11/04/2019 10:19

I really appreciate your responses, thank you, and you've all said at least something that I have thought about before, so I think that's probably good.

OP posts:

GreytExpectations · 11/04/2019 10:20

I don't want to tell him what to do with his body

This is the main point. It is unreasonable to ask anyone (man or woman) what to do with their body. Plain and simple- it doesn't matter how easy you think the procedure is.
You don't want to use the coil? Fair enough- he needs to use a condom them. He doesn't want to use a condom? Fair enough, he needs to pick another method that you both agree with.

Prevention should be a joint thing.

BoneyBackJefferson · 11/04/2019 10:20

what kaytee87 posted.

Jizzle · 11/04/2019 10:21

YABVU. You can certainly ask, but he has every right to say no to what is essentially quite invasive surgery, not to mention the increased prostate cancer risk that comes with a vasectomy.

TacoLover · 11/04/2019 10:22

This is the main point. It is unreasonable to ask anyone (man or woman) what to do with their body. Plain and simple- it doesn't matter how easy you think the procedure is. You don't want to use the coil? Fair enough- he needs to use a condom them. He doesn't want to use a condom? Fair enough, he needs to pick another method that you both agree with. Prevention should be a joint thing.

This.

Original poster

Sweetbabycheezits · 11/04/2019 10:24

Ooo.. I didn't realise that there was an increased prostate cancer link!! Definitely not then, he already has that in his family history, so I'd hate to increase his risk further.

I really appreciate your feedback...I kind of knew the answer, it's just good to get some validation from the outside.

OP posts:

AverageMan · 11/04/2019 10:25

There's no link between a vasectomy and prostate cancer, stop with the BS

Thesearmsofmine · 11/04/2019 10:28

I think you just need to have a discussion with him. Say you don’t really want another coil and talk about the other options.

My DH had a vasectomy, we were never told of any increased risk of prostrate cancer.

Original poster

Sweetbabycheezits · 11/04/2019 10:30

I agree, Grey, and I think that's why I needed to hear from others; I've always taken the responsibility, and haven't minded, and DH hasn't ever dictated whatever method I've chosen, but neither has he ever said "hey...you've done this all these years, how about I go get sorted now". He hasn't had to really think about it, and to be honest, I haven't loved the Mirena, but I haven't really had any truly awful experiences with any BC, so haven't complained!

OP posts:

Meowzzz · 11/04/2019 10:34

It's a sensitive one, myself and DP are still young, no kids yet. I've had no end of trouble with contraception not agreeing with me. We've discussed and after me bearing the responsibility of bc including side effects, then at some point children, it's then his time to go through the snip so I can be hormone free. He feels like it'd be his turn to suffer I suppose!

phoenixrosehere · 11/04/2019 10:37

Yanbu.

As a couple you should be considering and exploring ALL options not just the ones that only effect your body.

scaevola · 11/04/2019 10:39

I think it's reasonable to ask .

But not reasonable to do so in terms of taking turns (that wouid mean a turn at reversible contraception) or in te ms of physical effects of childbirth (something men simply cannot take a turn at.

The bid risk from vasectomy is that, though the procedure may be quick, it carries a 1:10 risk if the serious complications (those involving months of pain, some of which cannot be treated effectively even by de-nervation or orchidectomy) or require further surgery. If he is disinclined to take this risk, or simply does not want surgery to render him infertile, you have to respect that it is his body and his choice.

ifoundthebread · 11/04/2019 10:41

Don't skirt around it, just bluntly ask him. Hey hunny, my coils due out in a few months. How would you feel about getting the snip?

GreytExpectations · 11/04/2019 10:45

@Sweetbabycheezits I totally get it. with my DH and I, I've always taken responsibility by my own choice as I was on the pill and didn't mind. Well, now that we hope to TTC in the next 6 months-1 year, I wanted to stop taking the pill and use condoms to allow my body to normalize. Condoms aren't ideal for my DH but he is happy to wear them as I don't want to be on the pill. So it works

MillicentMartha · 11/04/2019 10:46

My exH had the snip after DS3 was born. He had no problems, was back on his motorbike within a couple of days. I’d had a cervical cancer scare so was adverse to going on to hormonal contraception.

It wasn’t until I’d seen threads on MN that I found out that there’s a risk of continuing pain with a vasectomy. Not sure of the figures but something like 10% of men get some post operative pain that doesn’t go away.

I’m glad exH had the snip, it meant years of worry free sex and also, once he had his mid life crisis and left for the OW, he wasn’t going to be having any more DC with her!

dronesdroppingzopiclone · 11/04/2019 10:48

You're both a bit old now, though. Late 40s? You may actually be able to leave the coil you have in now and not have it replaced.

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