To tell DS to sort his own shit out now?

[LellowYedbetter]

Ongoing problems with DS2. He’s 18. Doesn’t work, doesn’t go to college, doesn’t do anything other than hang out with his loser mates smoking, drinking and doing drugs. I have to do EVERYTHING and I’m tired. I have to get on at him constantly about finding a college course, applying for jobs, sorting universal credit out if that’s the route he wants to take (against my wishes) - he does fuck all. I have had every agency involved and he just doesn’t engage. CAHMs have discharged him now because he managed 2 out of 9 appointments. He doesn’t open his letters so I do to make sure he isn’t missing anything important. He matters me to make him hairdressers appointments, doctor appointments, ring the police to find out what’s happening with XY and Z ... a few weeks ago he had a rash all over, wouldn’t get it sorted so I ended up having to make him an appointment. Turned out to be scabies. I then had to go backwards and forwards to chemist to sort his cream out and batter him to use it. Last week it was tonsillitis. I had to sort him an appointment and then taxi him there otherwise he wouldn’t sort it out. Now it’s a mouth infection. Screaming and shouting in his room because his mouth hurts. Sorted him an appointment for dr, they said he had to see a dentist, dentist have written him off due to missed appointments so I have to fuck about registering him somewhere and then sorting an emergency appointment and then taking him there ... it’s fucking relentless. He speaks to me like shit, disappears for data on end and then expects me to have all his appointments etc sorted for when he decides to show up again. I’m tired.

He’s just text me saying his mouth has blood all over it and he’s coming home tonight and have I sorted a dentist appointment out. If I refuse, he screams and shouts and all he’ll breaks lose. He actually depresses me.

First off he's 18,an adult. It sounds as if his drug use is contributing to his health problems. If he behaves this way and wants you to treat him like a child then treat him accordingly-tell him he either takes responsibility or he's evicted-his behavior is over the top insane

You are facilitating this all, but I completely understand why if he treats you the way you say he does. He is in fact bullying you.

This has obviously been going on for some time - has he been diagnosed with anything as you say CAMHS were involved?

You have offered help, support, encouragement, but it is now down to him to take some responsbility. He won't do that though when you do it for him. I'm guessing his self-esteem is quite low though, and there may be a large backstory as to why he has grown up like this and you possibly feel guilt.

You could do thought love and make him intentionally homeless - how would you feel about that?

thought love = tough love

Throw him out, seriously. He's never going to grow up otherwise. It may take him a few years of being a dosser but he should come out of the end of it. However, that's never going to happen if you're his doormat.

Time for some tough love here.

He's an adult. If he's able to source drugs for himself, he's able to ring a doctor or dentist.

You need to tune out, hard as it is. Otherwise you'll still be doing this in 10 years time.

He needs to move out. And I know how hard that is as his mum but, my Ds (20) sorted himself out (mostly) once he'd moved out. He doesn't drink though but, he does smoke weed which I am completely against. And he works (refused to go onto benefits). I do help him out with some things but, our relationship has improved so much since he moved out at 18.

These type of threads scare me, as I have a 17yr old. I honestly don't know what I'd do if my DD turned into the person you describe, OP.

It must be so hard. There tends to be a lot of 'they're an adult, time for them to step up or ship out' kind of responses to this kind of problem on here. But I don't know how you'd even make that happen. My 17 is still such a child in so many ways, even though in a few months she'll be able to vote, drink, marry, etc etc

Time for tough love.

Your enabling him to turn in to a twat.

I think there comes a point when you have to simply say "enough". It's one thing to support him or try to sort out appointments, but to be actively bullied like this whilst he won't engage is not on. Your mental health is suffering and for what? He won't change whilst he is getting everything he wants from you.

Is there anyone else he can stay with? Just to break the cycle?

You're not in the least bit unreasonable to tell him to sort his own shit out. You've been very lenient and accommodating so far and it hasn't worked, has it? Time for different tactics.

Either chuck him out, find him alternative accommodation, or go on a long, long holiday to give yourself a break.

How does he pay for his drugs, alcohol etc? Where does he go when he disappears? He is more than capable of sorting his own life out. I think you need to step back and let him get on with it. If he gets abusive and threatening, call the police. He needs to grow up

Your DS is now an adult. You would not expect to be shouted at/verbally abused by any other adult and just have to put up with it. Why do you allow your DS to do the same?

Your DS is abusing you in your own home, is not contributing to your household in any way- I.e. is an emotional and financial drain on you- and is using drugs/drinking too much. He will not sort even basics for himself. I guess you do all cooking, cleaning, housework and are also paying for food, running of the household, his clothes and toiletries (and luxuries like mobile, gaming, electronics and even taxi’s)?

I don’t know where this has come from, but it’s time you called time on it. I would give him an ultimatum- either he gets a job and starts to contribute to the costs of running the household (and takes on a share of the chores) or he goes to college to study- but he must attend and stick in (but still needs to do a share of chores). If he won’t, say 4-6 weeks to find alternative accommodation. In addition, he is to treat you with respect, be polite and he is not to shout at you. No drugs in the house and if he won’t stop using them, he needs to move out. He also needs sort out his own Dr/dental appointments. If he diesn’t, leave him to it.

But you need to stick to any ultimatums you give him.

Kick him out. It's the only way there's any chance of him choosing to act like an adult: lack of alternatives.

If I refuse, he screams and shouts and all he’ll breaks lose. He actually depresses me.

I'm concerned that you're in danger from him, frankly.

I have no idea how you safely throw him out of your house, though clearly you need to. Do you have a partner? What does/do his sibling/s think about all this?

I have a 22 year old and it took for him to move out to start sorting his own appointments etc. My bil however is 34, lives at home and sounds just like your son. I've known him 9 years and it's always been the same as mil allows it. Please for his sake and your own tell him it's time to grow up and sort things for himself. Bil rules everything from what's for dinner to fil still having to work at 69 to support him 😒

Change the locks. Put his stuff outside. Call the police if he gets violent.

And “if all hell breaks loose” then you definitely need to ask him to leave. If he is verbally or physically aggressive towards you then he cannot continue to live in your home. And i’d tell him that. If it happens again, he leaves. If it is severe aggression or threats, call the police. Maybe he needs a sharp shock to sort him out- after all, patience, encouragement and support have goy you nowhere.

My suspicion is he behaves like this because he knows you’ll always let him do it and sort everything out for him anyway.

Sorry to scare. my 21-year-old is still on with this stuff. dropped out of uni; no job will not wash up, expects cash: 'can you just...'

My own health is really poor and I still work full time. I am utterly exhausted with it all. Last straw was yesterday when he agreed for the millionth time to wash up. Got in from work and there it all was unwashed...I told him to I can no longer tolerate this disrespect and he has to live at his dads. He has not returned as yet today. Honestly, I have tried everything except this. Still, feel upset tho.

I just can’t do it any longer. His bedroom is an absolute shit hole, his bathroom is the same with puss everywhere, Mucky underwear all over the floor. Pot noodle cartons, stale milkshakes, beer cans ...
I don’t give him money so I don’t know where he gets the drugs from. I have had him arrested before and I’d do it again but it’s just so stressful and tiring.

I think the problem stems from the friends he is hanging around with.

Is there anywhere he can go away from the environment for him to start afresh without this peer group pulling him down.

Or is there anyone who is older and has gone down the same path as he is going that you can point at and show him where he could end up.

At some point he is either going to become bored with these friends and is going to see the light and get his shit together or get into big trouble or end up with major health problems.

Sometimes a gf can get boys to pull away from negative groups.

Whilst he might be an adult he is still only a teen and boys can be less mature than girls at this age so all those saying to throw him out because he is an adult sometimes age and maturity are not the same.

Now he is 18 I would ask him to get some work. Even if it is just p/t and or look at college courses.
Training for a trade (Ds has just completed his level 2 in 2 terms and now has till September off) in September he will be earning around £800 per month on his apprenticeship.
He earns around £400 per month as well doing bits and pieces.

Dds has a friend who has a bf in the same trade and he is earning £200,000 in his mid 20s although he does work 7 days per week.

I think it is a case of asking him which path does he want to follow.

Whilst he might not immediately jump at one or other of the choices the seeds of how the future might need to be sowed.

You do need to step back

I would get some professional advice personally. Unless there is some issue it does sound like you might be enabling him slightly and perhaps he'd be better off moving out and getting some independence. I think if it works it might boost his self esteem and make him realise actually he can be an adult and he might actually like it.

I also think you need to remember you're a person too. Your needs and your happiness are important.

Sorry posted too soon

You do need to step back. However what I found with Ds is asking him to make an appointment or speak to anyone on the phone it was a big deal for him to do and running through what questions he might get asked, what numbers to press etc and being by his side a few times gave him the confidence to do it on his own eventually.