AIBU to think life is just so much harder

[user9000]

when you grow up with/live with no support at all? No one to turn to if you lose your job or end up in hospital, no one to even take your dog for one day without paying them!

I know I am going to get some responses like you should only rely on yourself and such nonsense, probably by people who have people to help them. Or I will get the response I am supposed to make my own circle of support --- which I have found impossible because everyone else already has support and therefore doesn't need to trade with me.

I am just so sick of going it alone and anytime something happens there is just me, myself and I. I moved out at 20, paid my own way through university, every job I ever got was through my own effort, not through someone getting me a job, raised my DCs without help from GPs (who were disinterested)….

And yet all around me are people who lived at home to save up money or have GPs who help out or friends that get them a job or they got their job through nepotism.

Yes this is a big whinge but I am just sooooooooo tired of feeling so disadvantaged....

If you have children you must have a partner, they must go to school, do you have other school gate parent mates? Do you have no old school friends, uni mates, work colleagues or neighbours you can turn to in a crisis?

There has to be a reason you have absolutely no friends from any period in your life. And unless it's because you've had to flee/relocate and it's really a case of starting afresh, then I always think people must have incurable shyness or a personality disorder.

We moved many times due to XH job. Last move was to a new area where don't know anyone.

I do have acquaintances, several in fact. But you cannot go to them for assistance. My current area everyone relies on family, so they don't need my support in return, you see?

I guess I have a personality disorder and you can't believe this could happen to anyone!!

If you have friends but they refuse to help you on an ad hoc basis, then I'm sorry but you have shit friends. We have family support and back-up (tho my family are in another country) and are comfortably off, own a car and in secure employment. Many of our friends are not as lucky and have no family nearby. We regularly help out various friends with bits of childcare, lifts, small loans, and petsitting. We don't expect a "trade", we value their friendship & don't want to see them struggling.

But you cannot go to them for assistance

Why not ? I recent had a dreadful illness and help came from the most unexpected sources. Sometimes from people I'd ever met, and from hundreds of miles away.

I did say - And unless it's because you've had to flee/relocate ….etc in which case its to be expected a support network isn't in place

Part of it could be where I live. I lived in an expat community once and people did help each other out, but here everyone has got established family close by. Here, I don't think people consider you a friend unless yyou have known them 20 years.

heroine where do you live? lol

How old are your children?

You either live in a shit area or appear unfriendly yourself as where I live neighbours will help you out - and yes I'm in London.

I have never had help to get a job and little help from either my parents or in laws. But I have DP which it sounds like you have too? Does he support you enough, or does he leave it all up to you?

My DC are teens. I am not talking about burnout from toddlers.

I am not married anymore, when I was it was to a workaholic who left me to do everything. That's fine, I learned I didn't need him because he was never home. But I didn't have any parents to support me emotionally, and again, all I had were acquaintances who you cannot subject them to your neediness. I try always to not be needy because that will drive people away..

No I agree with you, that sounds very difficult. I'm not in the same position but know my life would be 200% harder without financial, emotional or time help from my family and DP.

Even just down to them staying in for the furniture delivery or me not having to email someone and them doing it instead.

I commend you, you've earned every single thing you have.

I don't have any family support and I do ask friends who have their families around them to help. They know I don't have anyone else and are happy to step in. I do help them too when needed as they don't always want to rely on family.

user9000

I know where you are coming from. it's not your fault. sometimes these are the circumstances that just creep up.

I've felt isolated before, moving for DH job a lot. But luckily he a supportive. I have lots of acquaintances but only one friend here that I can ring and go for a drink with anytime, it's taken years of nursing to get to this point. It took 2 years to build a network in my last location, and had many friends but the DC were younger too, and once you move 100s miles away some seem to forget you quickly and the others are at the end of phone but are not close enough for support or that close face to face friendship that's needed sometimes.

I know it gets said quite often but find a club/hobby that gets you out and meeting people, something that has a social side to it too, as in group go to the pub after for drinks ect.

Also don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it, you will be surprised how helpful people will be. Just ask they can only say no.

It does sound like you have had a hard time of it. But look at what you have achieved despite everyone! You are amazing.

You children will soon be grown and you can all emotionally support one another. Maybe move to a friendlier town in the future?

I promise everyone I am not an anti social ogre. I do think some of it has been the luck of the draw.

I have tried hobbies, etc, but found most people are jus there for the hobby, not to make new, deep friendships?

It could be a lot of it is my luck. I know people who are openly rude and they still have support around them.

I don't know what my point is today. Been having a rough time. thought if I was suddenly homeless there'd be no one to turn to!

I guess my point is, if you grew up with parents who supported you emotionally or financially, had a supportive partner, had friends you could count on in an emergency, ever had someone help you get a job or get something important to you, you should count yourself a lucky person.

Part of it could be where I live. I lived in an expat community once and people did help each other out, but here everyone has got established family close by. Here, I don't think people consider you a friend unless yyou have known them 20 years.

I get it. Nobody was with me through emergency surgery, or the 8 weeks after where I couldn't even bend over to brush my teeth, lift a full kettle, twist, or do anything. I went for the op alone and came home in a taxi, the taxi driver carried my case in as I wasn't allowed to lift it

Not having family nearby is a killer. I’m very lucky to have a hands on husband but I’m the only one of my friends without family nearby to help out. When they talk about how difficult having children is yet have free childcare from their grandparents and someone to hold the baby while they have a shower/wee/drink it makes me want to scream. You probably have the same response when people like me say we have it tough yet have partners to help. I can’t begin to imagine how tough it is for you.

Part of it could be where I live. I lived in an expat community once and people did help each other out, but here everyone has got established family close by. Here, I don't think people consider you a friend unless yyou have known them 20 years.

Argh, accidentally hit post.

This is one of the main reasons I won’t leave London. I’m an immigrant, moved here knowing no one, and have built myself a decent support network. But I’m not kidding myself - a lot of that network only exists because so many people have no family support so we’re mutually beneficial to each other as well as friends.

I’m lucky that my family are emotionally supportive (albeit 12000 miles away) and I know they’d be my safety net if things got dire. DH’s family have never been known to help or offer help, though they’re inoffensive enough if you take them on their terms (except BIL who doesn’t like immigrants).

have a
I'm not judging you or think you are anti social. I know exactly what you mean.
not many people are looking for deep friendships though, that's were the nursing comes in, I had many years of not having anyone (friendships wise) and often thought it was pointless to keep trying.

where abouts are you roughly?

JassyRadlett

But on something though, everywhere were I have formed good friendships it's been with other "outsiders" of the community/village/area.

*hit on something. not but

I’ve moved to places where I knew no one and everyone already seemed to have their own support networks. What worked for me was to offer help first, thus making the first step in establishing reciprocal arrangements.

So on the school yard I have offered childcare to people who have sick parents or have been bereaved, offered to pick up shopping or do a school run for people laid up sick at home and just generally been a nice and helpful person. And it has been paid back when I needed it.