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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my boss was minimising my situation with this comment

30 replies

HelloImStressed · 29/03/2019 17:58

Recently miscarried and have been signed off by the doctor for 3 weeks (I'm on week one now). I told work I would take two weeks to get my head straight.

They asked for my sick note for their records which I sent over.

My boss questioned the fact it was for three weeks not two and I answered to say that the doctor had signed me off for three but I was just taking two.

She replied 'Yes, I was going to say three would be a bit much!'

For full disclosure and to not drip feed, this is the third time I have been off work for miscarriage.

About 8 months ago I was off for 3 days, then 6 months ago I was off for a week, and now I'm off for two.

I have worked at this company for most of my adult life and have only ever had a handful of sick days in that time so I'm not a regular piss taker.

I just felt the comment was a bit shit. I'm heartbroken and she knows this as we speak quite friendly and discuss personal things quite often.

Am I being too sensitive? I know I wasn't going to take the third week anyway but it made me feel as though they think I'm just on a jolly and taking the piss with it when in actual fact I'd give anything to not have been through this and be in work!

OP posts:
Purplepjs · 29/03/2019 18:02

Yes it was really insensitive. Even if she thought it, she shouldn’t have said it to you. Grief is different for everyone, in addition to coping with the physical side of it all, and you must take the time you need. I’m so sorry for your miscarriages. I hope you have some good support around you. Be kind to yourself. Flowers

BloodsportForAll · 29/03/2019 18:02

I think it was an unthought out comment, not intended as you took it, but still insensitive.

Managerial types aren't all bad but the experiences I've had with each of my past ones have included all kinds of inappropriate comments. Including after miscarriage. I'm sorry.

19lottie82 · 29/03/2019 18:04

If your doctor signs you off for three weeks then you will need to get a “fit note” if you want to go back to work. I’m pretty sure that your employers insurance will be invalidated otherwise .

SandyY2K · 29/03/2019 18:06

I'm sorry about your miscarriage.

I do feel the comment was highly inappropriate and uncalled for.

How can she say 'it's a but much' I take it she's neither a medical doctor or midwife.

I would be very angry with that statement. Regardless of any other sickness absence...this is pregnancy related, so they can't count it as a trigger or take any formal action.

I would make a big deal of this... but I work in HR and would know exactly what to say.

I'm not sure what type of company, large/small.. public or private sector.... but I'd raise it as a formal complaint...if nothing to ensure it doesn't happen again.

Bluntness100 · 29/03/2019 18:08

I suspect she didn't mean it as you've taken it, and she's trying to balance business needs and yours, which is her job.

I'm sorry about your miscarriage.💐

Pandasarecute · 29/03/2019 18:09

I’m sorry for your loss Flowers

IvanaPee · 29/03/2019 18:13

I really hope she didn’t mean it as anything other than “three weeks is a long time to be off work.”

Some people just don’t think early (?) miscarriages are a big deal though, so if that’s her thinking then yeah that’s fairly shitty.

But you said you’re friendly so it doesn’t seem like she’d be malicious?

Dieu · 29/03/2019 18:18

I am really sorry for your loss. I too have had a miscarriage, but do agree that 3 weeks would be pushing it somewhat ... unless there were health complications.

Barbie222 · 29/03/2019 18:19

I'm very sorry to hear about your loss.
I'm sure she didn't mean it as you have taken it. People deal with grief differently and she may well have been in your situation at one point and preferred to be at work. That was the case for me anyway.

Nowthenforever2019 · 29/03/2019 18:21

Sorry for your loss.

A fit note is the same as a sick cert. The full title is a certificate of fitness for work. If you go back after 2 weeks but the sick not/fit note you have says you are not fit 3 weeks, you'll need to go back to the Dr to confirm you were unfit for work for 2 weeks only.

Driftingthoughlife · 29/03/2019 18:25

I went into work the day after I had a miscarriage. I had to go home later that day as was bleeding through to my chair. The next day My boss who has not been in the day before told me i should have worn a thicker pad!!! Bitch

Lllot5 · 29/03/2019 18:28

Take the three weeks. If your dr has signed you off take them, why wouldn’t you?

Original poster
HelloImStressed · 29/03/2019 18:40

she's trying to balance business needs and yours, which is her job

I do totally appreciate this side of it and I know she has a responsibility to do so but I'd already said I wasn't taking the last week so I just didn't think anything more needed to be said.

I'm not taking the last week as I don't want to take too much. They are extremely busy (law firm) and I feel guilty as daft as that sounds.

It may seem a lot of time but it's not so much about the physical symptoms. I'm struggling mentally to come to grips with what is happening after having multiple in quick succession, it's really taking a toll.

OP posts:
Rememberallball · 29/03/2019 18:40

Be careful you are actually covered by company insurance if you go back after 2 weeks and the certificate is for 3 weeks - you may need to get a ‘fit to work’ note after 2 weeks to replace it as, as it stands, your GP has said you are not fit to be there for 3 weeks and if something happened to you in that 3rd week your company could refuse to cover you for liability purposes on the grounds you weren’t fit to be at work.

Original poster
HelloImStressed · 29/03/2019 18:42

I didn't realise I may not be able to go back before the doctor advised. Work do not seem to have brought anything up about it either.

I'll have to check that then.

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 29/03/2019 18:44

Yanbu . Could she be advising to take extra time so you feel better? I don't think you can go back earlier without a back to work cert.
OP ignore her either way, I am really sorry for your loss Flowers

mussie · 29/03/2019 18:53

@HelloImStressed the sick note I had for a pregnancy loss, it said on it (just as normal printed text, not anything the doctor had written) that if I felt fit before the date on the sick note that I could safely return to work. I returned to work two days before the end of the sick line and it was fine. Check the wording on the sick line itself. So sorry to hear of your losses Flowers

mussie · 29/03/2019 18:54

@HelloImStressed I had to have a Return to Work meeting with my boss to discuss what I was capable of and whether I needed lighter duties, but that's policy regardless of how long you've been off

SparklyLeprechaun · 29/03/2019 19:04

If she's normally a decent person then I'd assume she was involuntarily insensitive, rather than nasty. But yanbu to be upset.

Hwory · 29/03/2019 19:05

Op I’m sorry for your loss ☹️

I work for the local council and we don’t have to get another note from the doctor if we decide to come back to work before our sicknote runs out.

Original poster
HelloImStressed · 29/03/2019 19:08

Thanks.

No, I don't think she was being nasty on purpose.

Its just worried me that this is how they are thinking about it. As though I'm taking the piss.

It's not what I want to be worrying about whilst I'm trying to get myself back together over these two weeks iyswim.

OP posts:
GoToSleepLittleBear · 29/03/2019 19:16

Hi Hello, I’m so sorry for what you’re going through.

I’m a GP and so deal with fit notes on a daily basis. There’s no need to see your GP if you decide to return to work before the end of a fit note. Years ago there may have been a required to be “signed back” to work but it is definitely not required these days. There’s guidance on the you.gov website, I’ll see if I can find it...

GoToSleepLittleBear · 29/03/2019 19:19

On page 8.

AnnaFang · 29/03/2019 19:29

Sorry for your losses OP. You don't need to see the doctor again to be signed as fit for work any more, you can go back any time in the three weeks that you feel ready. Or you can take the three weeks, as that's how long your doctor thinks you need.
Also, when you do go back, they shouldn't be doing any absence management process, as it's pregnancy related absence.