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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move away from family

26 replies

girlinawhirl · 29/03/2019 10:18

Just that really.

My husband and I (and one year old) have chosen to move to a nicer area, it's a maximum hour and fifteen from where both our families live.

My family are making me feel the the worst person in the world, for doing this.

Our reasons are;

I have a job that's a promotion and substantial pay increase. (Also really excited for the job, and opportunity)

He has also managed to find a job in less than two weeks, so this really feels like things are coming together.

We've always wanted to live in a better area, and never imagined ourselves where we were born for the rest of our life and don't want to raise our family here.

Are we being incredibly selfish, as my mum will no longer be able to do childcare so won't see her grandchild every week.

Has anyone been in a similar situation, and what have you done?

I'm feeling like maybe we should just forget it all and stay.

OP posts:
Nurseornot · 29/03/2019 10:41

YANBU.

You can't depend on your mum forever, what if she gets ill or just decides she's tired of watching her grandchild? You would need to find an alternative form of childcare and you would have given up a good opportunity at the same time. You would probably resent that. Plus you're not far, you're just a car ride away.

redwoodmazza · 29/03/2019 10:42

Move!!!

motheroreily · 29/03/2019 10:45

Yanbu - an hour and 15 mins really isn't far at all.
Your mum might not like the reality of doing childcare everyday. It's a real commitment. And you don't know what the future holds.

Original poster
girlinawhirl · 29/03/2019 11:18

I feel like it's really not that far, everyone drives too so it's not very difficult relying on public transport etc

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 29/03/2019 11:22

I'd go for it but, if they're against you moving they may expect you to do all the visiting.

It's wonderful living in an area you like, good luck.

JAMMFYesPlease · 29/03/2019 12:19

I moved with my family to a new country. We do a lot of Skyping. My DM always said to me not to feel obligated to stay somewhere just for other people, even her. For a new job (and one you're excited about) I'd definitely move an hour and a bit away from family.

SnuggyBuggy · 29/03/2019 12:33

It's not far at all. If anything I think an hour is a nice healthy distance

GruciusMalfoy · 29/03/2019 12:43

You have a great opportunity, I'd take it. You can't live your life to please your parents.

irregularegular · 29/03/2019 12:47

Crazy. do what you want to do. 1 hr 15 is still perfectly doable for lunch. I thought you were talking about much further than that - another country or something!

Is living very close to family the norm among your family and friends? That would make it harder for them to deal with. Very few people I know have family within an hour.

FourHigh · 29/03/2019 12:49

I don't live near my family and really miss them so we are looking to move closer - 2 hours away!! Just over an hour is really nothing at all! I think as long you you could do it in a day or a weekend than it isn't far. We live 4-5 hrs away at the moment and it just takes a bit more planning and staying over which makes it more difficult. I'd love to live an hour away! Distance and space but still close enough to visit easily, perfect!

HopefulAgain10 · 29/03/2019 12:56

Very selfish of anyone to make you feel guilty for moving away.

You have your own family- dh and DC. That's your priority. If it benefits your family then thats what comes first.

pinkdelight · 29/03/2019 13:02

Yanbu at all. Plenty of people's daily commute is longer than 75mins!

Original poster
girlinawhirl · 29/03/2019 13:09

@irregularegular apart from uni years yes we all live within five minutes drive of each other so very much against the norm.

I agree it's doable for lunch, spending the day together. There's also somewhere nice midwayish I've suggested we can meet at.

Wondering are there are grandparents who can offer their option?

OP posts:
HomeEdRocks18 · 29/03/2019 13:11

Yanbu. We moved 320 miles away from our family and friends (6 hr drive).
If your family want to see you all they can come to you or you go to them. It doesn't have to be every week. I think it's more special when you don't see them every week as it gives you more to talk about!
Don't feel bad for your choice. You must come first

GreenLabels · 29/03/2019 13:18

I don't think distance really affects a relationship. It's the effort you put in.

I grew up living half an hour away from my paternal grandparents, and two hours from my maternal grandparents.

Yet my maternal grandparents played a far bigger role in my life and I saw them far more frequently.

(To be fair to my paternal grandparents, my sister and I were their 9th and 10th grandchildren, whereas we were the 1st and 2nd (and only) for my maternal grandparents. So obviously we were more special to the latter.)

5foot5 · 29/03/2019 13:18

I'd go for it but, if they're against you moving they may expect you to do all the visiting.

Oh almost certainly - been there! But this is not necessarily a bad thing unless you really want to live in each others pockets all the time. 1hour 15 minutes is not that far really. We have always lived further than that from family but still managed visits

Drum2018 · 29/03/2019 13:28

The only people you need to consider are you, Dh and child. Given child is a baby then really it's just you and Dh as child is too young to have a say. If you are happy to move and create a new life for yourselves then go for it. It sounds like a great opportunity. You don't have to take anyone else's opinions on board. An hour and 15 mins is no length. We had that distance and would travel to visit often for a daytrip.

Miffymeow · 29/03/2019 13:30

YANBU, I moved away from mine and it's great having my own area to be honest. I visit them every few weeks and all is good.

Nanny0gg · 29/03/2019 13:34

As a grandma I'd definitely miss you all but it's no distance.

Just try and do regular visits both ways and regular phone calls and all will be fine.

Parker231 · 29/03/2019 13:37

We live in London, my family in Belgium and DH’s in Canada. We all have a close relationship. An hour is nothing.

wibbleee · 29/03/2019 13:41

1 hrs nothing! people travel that for work!

jameswong · 29/03/2019 13:53

YANBU

I live in a different continent, two flights and about 14 hours of travel away. My wife is a 4 hour flight from her family, same continent different country. I've put myself, my wife, and my newborn first and I won't be changing it to spare my parents' feelings ( nor would they want me to)

Oysterbabe · 29/03/2019 13:56

That's no distance. We're 4 hours from mine and 2 from DH's.

elQuintoConyo · 29/03/2019 14:32

Checking in from Spain. I have a sibling in NZ. Parents both in UK.

If they cannot be happy, they should be silent.

makkmiss · 29/03/2019 16:02

My DM and her family have all lived within 10mins of each other in London, when DH and I got married there was lots of drama about me moving to a city 3 hours away. It was the best decision though, we aren’t living in their pockets and nobody can just turn up when they want. We don’t have any DC yet but if we lived closer and had DC I can guarantee someone would be turning up of their own accord every five minutes.

Do what’s best for you OP!

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